That little push

Today I browsed around the travel websites to find a cheap air ticket for Cinnamon and Apple Pie’s Wedding. I managed to find a perfect timing and price for the ticket yet I didn’t hit the book button.

Yesterday I received phone call from an NDP committee telling a good news that I’ve passed my audition and would be eligible to join a team to perform at NDP this year. I was excited yet there’s this weird feeling when she said “Will you be able to commit a practice every Wednesday and Saturday onward?”

THEN IT HIT ME. I am afraid of commitment. I know it’s an old news but it’s kind of sad to know that I still am. I thought I’ve taken care that. I thought I’ve grown up. I thought I’m settling down.

Why am I still hating the idea of committing and staying put for something? If I bought an air ticket, I knew that I MUST go to Medan on that day, and I was afraid that maybe… MAYBE I’m not in Singapore anymore at that time.

I still love the fact of me living a life of wondering of tomorrow, that next week I will wake up in a different part of the world, or tomorrow I’ll fall in love with a total stranger, or next month I’ll be bungee-jumping off a bridge. I’m still waiting for the impromptu. And I hate it.

I want to settle down. I want to be committed.

I remember the day when Bandi bought our Europe ticket, it was after days of me saying “maybe we’ll do this tomorrow.” Bandi said, “I know why you don’t want me to buy this ticket today. Because you’re afraid that for the next 10 months, you have no other choice than to stay with me.”

I said, “No waaay!”

He said, “Why would it be then if it wasn’t because your silly commitment issue. Geez May, I’m buying you a ticket, haven’t asked you to marry me.” Then he chuckled and hit the book button.

And guess what, now I am so excited about the trip. Sure I was petrified on the day he bought that ticket. It was like a VERY BIG commitment. To save money and keep track for the saving, to keep my job ( I surely can’t resign), to never take leave, and to REALLY fly to Europe eventually, with him. If I wanted to just keep thinking about it, I will never buy that ticket. But Bandi did a little push, and he did the right thing.

So yeah, maybe all I need is a little push.

It’s like when I learned how to ride a bike. I never wanted to let go off my foot from the earth because I was scared.

It’s like when I jumped off the cliff at Boracay. I never wanted to jump ever because I was scared.

It’s like when I learned how to swim, how to drive and how to love… unconditionally. It all was scary at first. Even though I knew it’s gonna be amazing, I was still scared. So I had that. I had a little push.

And I’m glad I had it.

So again, maybe I just need that one push.


Like this one?

Like this one?


May, who is obviously talking about marriage.

Blabbering about wedding, Disney’s princes, Euro Cup final, and a chance of getting knocked up.

This is a blabbering post. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn ya!

So yesterday I tweeted that it’s been 6 years and 6 months together with Bandi. Apparently some people found it weird that I don’t do anything about it. They expected me to plan my wedding by this time of relationship and again, “in this crucial age” of a woman, of all the “We, women must have kids before 30 blah blah blah”.

Apparently readiness of having a kid is not the first priority. They were so scared that having a kid after 30 years old will turn the kid to be autistic. Well people, I tell you something. I also don’t want to have an autistic kid. I wish my kid to be healthy mentally and physically. Universe is so kind to me, I believe I will have the best kid possible. But people, do you prefer to become a parent when you are not ready to pass down value, when you don’t even know what’s your purpose of life, when you’re still as selfish as Kim Kardashian? NO! Your kid will turn out to have mental problem, a lot of psychological disorders and maybe, *knock on wood* will be a teenage slut because apparently she doesn’t get attention from her parent. WHAT JUDGES THAT IS BETTER THAN AUTISTIC?

When I was a teacher, I taught autistic kids. They are difficult. I know. But they will be easier when the parents are willing to communicate and cooperate with us, the teachers, than those normal kids who like to talk bad words and push other kids to bleeding (who are ALWAYS the ones having dysfunctional parents).

I’m not a parent, who am I talking about dysfunctional parents? I don’t know how hard it is to be parents. BUT I WOULD LOVE TO BECOME A PARENT SOMEDAY. A GOOD ONE.

Not when my age hitting 29, but when I am ready. If I turned out to be ready before 30, then it is a bonus. If I got knocked up before 30, then it’s a luck for Bandi. (LOL. Ignore the last sentence)

Ok, let’s go back to the main idea of this post (the ones typed in black font).

Then people frowned upon my travel guts. That I’m willing to save money to travel but I’m no at all closer to wedding. I know what makes me happy, and if it’s not a wedding and a house, does that make me a social criminal?

(AGAIN, I would love to get married (chillax Bandi!)) I am not resenting wedding. NO, that’s not true. I love weddings. It’s just that it’s not my priority now. It’s like I want Macbook and travel to India. Then I prioritize India first before buying a Macbook. So, after I travel to India, then I will think to buy the Macbook again. But right now, I don’t want to buy the Macbook because my mind is filled with India. GOT IT?

Then again, what’s with the “Oh Poor Bandi, he had been waiting for May to be ready for too long…” WTF, people? Bandi is not waiting for me to get married. Remember the Italy vs Spain EURO CUP FINAL?

The Italy vs Spain EURO CUP FINAL side story

Bandi and I are tifosi numero uno of Italy National Team. We have different team on the Serie-A though. He’s worshiping Juventus while I’m forever with Parma. But when it comes to national team, we pour our heart out for Azzurri. In 2006, when we first got together, Italy won the World Cup. We were so happy we thought we are meant to be together forever, but everything went down hill ever since. Italy performed worse and worse. EURO CUP 2012 is a shock, including Balotelli’s performance. AND THEY WENT TO SEMI FINAL!!! We were so surprised, in a good way though. We never expected them to go this far.

Then Bandi said, “If they won the Euro Cup, We’ll get married the next weekend.” And I said yes.

Italy went to FINAL FOR GOD’S SAKE! They freaking defeated Germany!! Then I prepared myself to write a simple guest list, and to buy a cheap simple white dress. I was thinking to buy 7 stalks of Lilies for my hand bouquet and picked the church across our flat for the simple ceremony. I told Bandi that any rings will do.

It’s good to know that getting married in Singapore is damn easy! Government dying to have the citizens to be married and producing babies, thus getting married here is a piece of cake. I just need to bring 2 witnesses and then sign the paper.

But then, I’m ringless now. All because of that too-good-Spain national team!!!

My point is… I’m a girl who lives with impulse dramatic moments. I know I will marry Bandi eventually. (Come on, what’s about him not adorable?) but I just have to wait for the moment to happen. That moment of “This is it. Let’s do it.” People may not understand what I mean because wedding should be planned right?

But I know what I want. Again, I’m a person who really knows what I want. And for now, I don’t want wedding. I want to travel the world. And that’s not a sin. That doesn’t make people right to perceive me as immature and irresponsible. I’m just getting what I want, like all of those women looking for any guys to grab as long as they can get married.

Oh yeah about that, what’s wrong with that women? It’s really pissing me off!!!

Nowadays, with the ticking clock, women would grab any men they saw and got married. Just because they needed to be impregnated. THAT IS SO STUPID OH MY GOD I WANNA SHOT MYSELF.

Try falling in love, ladies. It’s worth the wait.

4151332269_554c6d57fb be patient good things come to those who wait by Mykl Roventine at flickr

Let me tell you about my Shoe Philosophy.

A woman going shopping, she finds a nice wedges shoe. She tries it on. Oh, too big, there are no other numbers left. She puts it back and walks to another store. Wow, a very striking red stiletto.  She tries it on and it’s too small. She thinks, “I can live with it. I probably won’t find any shoe better than this.” So she buys it! And she lives with that painful foot all of her life.

If only she could be patience and walked to another store, she probably would find a fit winter boots that would be very comfortable for her.

Of course you can’t compare men and shoes. You can always throw away the stiletto and buy a new one. But this is just a way to perceive relationship. Usually the shoes that are being forced into your feet will hurt you, even though it looks good on the outside, you’re dying on the inside.

Don’t just grab the stilettos nearest to you, walk around and find the perfect one. It’s worth the wait and worth the effort. I believe that there is one perfect person custom made by god for anyone. I never doubt this, because I have found mine. And it feels soooo good in every way. And if only everyone wanted to wait to find the perfect ones, there will be no war.

I hate when women give excuses like, “All men are jerks”, “I’m on my thirties, it’s easy for you to say that coz you’re young!” or “I have already waited for too long.”

BULLSHIT. You’re just too lazy or too scared or too self-centered or too pessimistic. (Oh I have pessimistic people, they are the worst!)

Women can not always blame men when the relationship ends. Even if your men cheat on you, you must have blamed your judgement by choosing him at the first place.

Don’t swear on me for having a lucky life. I PERCEIVED MY LIFE AS LUCKY, THUS I BECOME LUCKY.

I was growing up in a very suicidal family, I wished everyday for my parents to be divorced, but they had worse, they must live with each other and tried not to kill each other everyday. I was always depressed about it back then, but now I laugh on it, sometimes I joked about it with my sister.

I blamed my parents for my skeptical perception of love and marriages, for my mental disorders and my suicidal attempts. I blamed my brother for taking all the attentions from me, for going to jail so I had to work my ass off for money so he won’t be killed by the other prisoners, for all the hatred I had created for myself, for my parents and for society. I cursed my friend for having a good parent, for having a caring brother and flawless skin. I was one hell of angry person. (I am still anyway. (LOL)) I closed my heart so tightly I was afraid a simple shake would kill me.

But then I met Bandi, and everytime I rest my head wrapped around Bandi’s arms, all the hatreds magically dissolve to be love, the world stops turning and it’s only me and him. It’s a very wonderful feeling and it’s true that they said Love Conquers All. It really does. It conquers all the differences, the fights about who should compromise to whom, the debate of whether Jesus Christ is just a really cool guy but not a messiah, a screaming over a smelly sock, a headache of managing our money, the lost house keys, or should we watch Juventus or Parma’s game or which cities should we visit first.

What I was trying to say is… Falling in love like in the Disney’s movie is real. The prince might not be riding the white horse, but he could still treat you just the same like the real prince.

And that being married doesn’t necessarily equal to being happy. This is the correct equation:


So if that guy makes you happy, then get married, make babies, repopulate the earth, I will be so excited to attend your wedding. But if he still treats you like shit and you’re still marrying him, then shame on you, woman! Shame on you!

I guess this is the end of my blabbering today.

Be happy people! Life is too short to be grumpy!



Look Closer to Apple Pie and Cinnamon

Nope this is not a culinary post or a recipe blog. Sorry to disappoint hungry people though.

This post is about a  story of a girl. Let’s call her Apple Pie. Apple Pie has been in a long term relationship with her boyfriend, whom would we call Cinnamon, since they met in college, here in Singapore about 5 or 6 years ago. They’ve been together ever since. Apple Pie then had everything she wanted. A good settled life in Singapore, with so many great friends around, a good career, even an offer to be a public teacher (which is sooo amazing in Singapore), but she turned down the offer, and she must quit her job that she liked and she would sadly leave all of her friends and she must leave Singapore.


She did them all in the name of love.

Because her boyfriend (was then in a long distance relationship with her) proposed to her. Then she must follow her boyfriend (then became future husband) to where he lived, which is a city that if compared to Singapore is much less developed. And the most horrifying thing was, she didn’t know anyone in that city. She must restart her life. She leave everything she has just because of a guy.

In this paragraph, you probably would think “This girl is so stupid.”

I would too…

That, until I knew what her reason is, and that this is not “just a guy”.

I was in the same condition with her when Bandi was talking about going back to his hometown and I straight away told him “No way, we’re breaking up.” So I was blown awayyy with how universe works. Universe arranged my encounter with this girl and we talked and talked and talked until midnight and she opened my eyes of how idiotic love can be. And love should be that way. I requested Bandi to be idiotic, while I stayed sane. That wasn’t fair.

Now let me tell you the other side of the story of Apple Pie and Cinnamon, and let’s take a closer look.

Apple Pie and Cinnamon had the amazing two years relationship when they were in college. Spent so much time together and later found out that they were made for each other. Apple Pie learned a lot from Cinnamon, especially of how Cinnamon treated his family. He was the family guy every girls dying to have to be their husband. Cinnamon was not like that at all, then she learnt how to call her mom and asked her how she is and stuffs. That was one of so many things Apple Pie learnt from Cinnamon.

Long story short, after graduated, Cinnamon moved back to his hometown, a city in the other part of Indonesia, far from Capital city Jakarta, and not Apple Pie’s hometown either. Cinnamon had to move back because he had to inherit his father’s local business. His father was getting old and that was something he must do. Apple Pie tried to understand that but she still stayed in Singapore, for another 2 or 3 years and for that period of time, they were in a long distance relationship.

I know Apple Pie loves living here and it must be so hard for them to decide what to do for their future. They must decide something or otherwise they would be in an LDR for the rest of their lives! (And trust me that’s not a wise idea!) So I met Apple Pie, about 3 months ago. She told me she would go back to Indonesia for good. I asked her why and she said because I wanted to be with Cinnamon.

I asked why again, and she explained.

In the first two years of relationship, when they were still in college, it was all about her. She was the center of the universe. Cinnamon did everything for her. Because it was only the two of them. There were no parents or family involved. Apple Pie knows that Cinnamon would do anything for her. If he could, he would stay with Apple Pie in Singapore, and continue to treat Apple Pie as the center of the universe.

But Cinnamon has a family and he must take care of them and that is something that a man must do. And this is the time for Apple Pie to pay back the favor. Now she wants him to be the center of the universe. She would do anything to make him happy. And she knows he’s happy when he’s with her and his family. So she would move in with him, to an unfamiliar town, which language she couldn’t talk.

I, before knowing her personally, would never ever ever understand why a woman would make a sacrifice for a man like that. That is so degrading for a feminist like me. I would probably call her names like dumbo or stupido or anything.

But then I knew her, and she was not at all stupid or delusional or weak. She was just in love. And she proved me that love does conquer all, my friend.

I am so touched with her bravery and her big heart. It surely wasn’t an easy thing to do, but remember this:

“Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing.” (Liz Lemon – 30 Rock)

I’m sorry I didn’t know her sooner. But I’m glad in that short period of time, I met her and got to know her better. We could’ve been BFF if she didn’t move out, but however I’m grateful that I met her.

She made me reflect about my relationship with Bandi which is more or less in the same situation. Bandi is just as worth to sacrifice as Cinnamon and there’s nothing I should hesitate that he will take care of me like he takes care of his sisters and his mother. He’s a family guy that every girls dying to have to be their husband.

But, my heart is not as big as Apple Pie. I am selfish and for these 6 six years of our relationship, not even once I put Bandi as the center of the universe. It’s been always me, me, and me. I have to be the center of his universe, now and always. I have to be spoiled in every possible way. And I don’t feel bad, because I love that.

God knows how much I love Bandi.

I told Apple Pie that. And she said, people speak different love languages, like in Gray Chapman’s book. And I shouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone express love in different way, different language. (You can find more about this in Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages).

Universe works in a strange way. I met Apple Pie in a cycling event, got to know her over a Pasta cooking session and talked to her til passed midnight, and finally realized how love conquers all over a short coffee in Cafe Cartel. Yet this lady made a difference in my life.

The wholemeal spaghetti that we cooked.

I hope I can deliver the message of love and sacrifices in this post. I hope there are no more stupid judgments over the things people do in the name of love. I used to be that person and now I’m not anymore. Love is the most important thing in life. Everything is worth sacrificing for love.

Hey there, Apple Pie. Thanks for inspiring me, and changing my perspective about love and sacrifices. Have fun on your next adventure with Cinnamon. And see you on your wedding day! So excited!!!

Cinnamon’s niece drew this for their wedding day.



P.S. All photos are taken from Apple Pie’s instagram.

P.P.S. I use fake names just for fun purposes. :p

P.P.P.S Update: Apple Pie’s reaction of this post!

The Vision and The Expectation

I received this message this morning:

He cancelled his wedding.

Well, it’s not the first time I receive an ‘exciting’ news about wedding cancellation. Nowadays people just don’t perceive marriage like they used to. Marriage and wedding are no more scared, no more personal, becoming shallow and cheap. It’s a sad truth.

I understand being 26 years old and unmarried in Asia could be depressing when all your peers keep posting photos of their babies in facebook. Peer pressured might be the primary reason why people got married out of rush. They get married because other people do that. So they follow.

The ones who cancel their wedding, I consider as the lucky ones. Because they were brave enough to cancel. But hey, that doesn’t mean you’re not wrong! YOU ARE WRONG! If you weren’t ready or you weren’t sure, why did you say yes at the first place? Don’t talk trash about how the diamond rings were sparkling or the moment was right. Fuck it! Just admit that you were WRONG.

So my bestfriend whastapp-ed me this morning, talking about this ‘big’ news, how on earth somebody cancel their wedding? In this case, the reason was “She’s not ready.” Well, I might said it before girl, but if you weren’t ready why did you say yes FOR GOD’S SAKE?

Then it got us to a long conversation that lasted the whole lunch,

Then, how would we know we are ready for a marriage?

Sure, wedding would be fun. All the free drinks, white pretty dress, and all the attention to you would be a great reward for a woman. But wedding wasn’t just a one night thing, it lasted your whole life!

My bestfriend and I share the same feeling about our parents’ marriage. Their marriages failed. And we found out why.

So, basically, we both compare two guys, which I would call as a candidate.

Candidate A is the guy that you could hang out as friend, having fun with and of course a very nice guy. Let’s call him “Nice Guy With him, you could create a perfect future. He likely to put your name in his imaginary future. Thus, he is your vision.

Candidate B is the guy that you wanted passionately, comes and goes to your life, and of course the jerk who we’re deeply falling in love with. Let’s call him “The Jerk”. With him, you have a bunch of expectation, and the imagination to achieve those expectations keep you going with him. Because the feeling of achieving something is good, but the fact is you haven’t had achieved it. Thus, he is still ONLY your expectation.

So, when we are facing options with this two guys, we would choose The Jerk over Nice Guy. Why? Because women are idiot. We make decisions based on feeling. AND FEELING IS A BAD GUY!

So, we decided to be with The Jerk and we keep putting our expectation that someday he would change for me. This expectation is a time bomb. Because guess what? He will never change. And the expectation would never be achieved and what’s left is disappointment.

Starting a marriage with expectation is WRONG. You suppose to start it with vision. And only with the Nice Guy you could share this vision. Get it? So 10 years from now, you are divorced with 2 kids and 1 big disappointment. You look back and see this before your eyes:

Nice Guy = Vision / The Jerk = failed expectation.”

My bestfriend and I see this in our parent. The failed expectations. And that is so unhealthy.

It’s just our simple theory about failed marriage. How would we know, we are never married. But we have this big hope that our marriage won’t be like our parents. We are trying everything we could so we would marry the right guy, with the right reason.

We are 26 years old. Unmarried. Not even plan to. So I can’t make sure the theory is correct.

You see, I receive news of cancelled wedding and even one news of not-even-one-year-anniversary-marriage’s divorce and that made me think… a lot.

I don’t want to get married just because I have been in this relationship for so long, just because thousand of people have been asking ‘when’, just because his mom, his grandmom, and his uncles said so, just because he proposed, just because wedding seems pretty.

I want to get married when I want every morning of my life feeling “Being Mrs. Cahaya is what I want for the rest of my life.” Sounds a little inception, huh? But it’s true. I will get married when I want it just right.

I might still will be unmarried when your kids go to primary school. I might still don’t want it. But life is only once, and I want to do this right, my way.

Me and him might walk so slow in our relationship, but as Confucius said, it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop. We don’t stop, we’re just walking slow. And we’re enjoying every steps.

I hope people ‘walk’ more slowly and enjoy the scenery. Don’t rush on something. Take your time for every thing. Who would have thought you’ll find a coin on the floor? =)



P.S I wrote about marriage before. In here. And in here.

P.P.S. Hey you, if you read this, please bear with me. Some people might be fast learner. But I’m slow in this thing. I want you. Just you. I know you want marriage. Me too. Just be patience with me.

You shouldn’t get married!!!

I know, as someone who doesn’t believe marriage, I talk about marriage a waaayyy too much, but whatever, this is my blog. :D

Two days ago, one of my best friends called me in the middle of the night and mumbled in her crying, “I broke up.” And after long conversation about how she wasn’t supposed to be with him at the first place, she yelled at me, “Gosh! Everyone said that! And why didn’t everyone tell mew long time ago?”
“Coz you were still with him. And it’s not appropriate.”
“But friends should tell everything.”
“Nope, friends tell you what you want to hear. Friends support you even it was impossible thing to do. Friends always believe in you. And we somehow wished that we could believe you.”
I knew that she was a lucky girl who happened to be brave enough to cut off her relationship even though everyone said “Your boyfriend is so nice. He’s a good guy, etc, etc…” I understand that we don’t love somebody because they’re nice or good. We love somebody despite of!
So, that call reminds me of the book/movie “He’s just not that into you!” which show how naïve women are, and we really should change, girls!!
It’s time for tough love!

You shouldn’t get married, if these words ever occurred to your mind at least twice:

  1. Does he really love me? If he really loves you sincerely, you won’t ever question him or his love. Trust me. I’m very sure about that.
  2. We’ve already been in this relationship for too long. I’m too lazy to start over a new relationship.
    Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you have to stay in it even though you knew you didn’t love him anymore. You’ve tried so hard to make yourself fall in love with him again, but you keep failing, but you deny it to leave your comfort zone. If it wasn’t working then, and it’s not working now, then it will NEVER work. Leave your comfort zone (relationship) for good.
  3. Will he ever cheat again? (If your boyfriend ever cheated.)
    If you’re living with a paranoid mind that he will cheat again if you didn’t call him 24/7 or be with him 24/7, then you’ll live with it for the rest of your life. You’ll always be nauseous every time he goes with his friends or meet new clients, and girls, it’s not healthy at all. And the more you imagine it, the real it’s gonna be. Shame on him if he fools you once, shame on you if he fools you twice! So, if you think that you won’t ever trust him again, leave him.
  4. Everyone would be so jealous to know I marry a rich/handsome guy!
    Get real, He won’t always be rich and he won’t always be handsome. But YOU could be always smart! So, start being smart now by leaving him.
  5. I know that he would change when we get married.
    Whatever he does, is it hitting, abusing, cheating, lying, possessive, and other things he said he would change.
    No, he won’t! And you will say “I married with the wrong reason” some years from now if you’re still marrying him for that reason.
  6. I’m old. I have too tie the knot soon. Then you will grab anybody who’s also looking for marriage and get married and later you will keep questioning, “Why did I get  married?”

I know this kind of marriage work for some people, but I think 99% of them just keeping their marriage for their comfort zone, coz a kind of people who married with this reason, also kept the marriage with the same reason, “I don’t wanna be a widow when I’m this old”.

And 1% of them are just gorgeously lucky to find a true love in this way. :)

So far, those are what I have in mind. Feel free to comment, and if you think to add the list, just spit it out. :)

I will add some other too later, but now I’m hungry and my niece waits for me. :)


Maybe this is why people got married.

Long time back then… I never wanted to get married, til some months ago, I still didn’t want it, surely.

The reasons are common. I watched failure marriage, and later on in my teenage years, boys were jerks. So, I just couldn’t imagine to live together with somebody for the rest of my life.

I fell in love, you guys know with whom, and I still thought falling in love doesn’t mean getting married. And I watched Oprah show. Janet Jackson was in there, they had talk about her new film, “Why did I get married?”

She said, she thought she could “change him” (Chico Debarge). And it was a wrong reason to get married. And she didn’t tell, if it was wrong, then what is right??

So… I kept wondering until it automatically faded away with newer things to think about.

Today, I talked with my boyfriend. I kept saying I’m afraid that I’ll lose seconds and minutes with him for unimportant things. Coz I only have 4 days left with him, and when you know you have limited times, you’ll live to the fullest.

I said, I’m afraid to sleep coz it takes lot of times and i’ll lose so many hours just to see him or touch him, feel him and kiss him. I’m too obssesed with calculating times.

Until he said, you will never ever get enough of us.

Then I realized when I was praying. Yes, I will never get enough of us, of him. Even though I have a full 4×24 hours with him, it won’t be enough.

And it occured to my mind, Maybe this is why people get married. Becoz they never get enough.

Becoz forever is the exact amount of time to spend with somebody you love the most.

And you get married to get law-security so there will be no one to get you separated from each other.

All I know is, living life with him is easy. He makes everything hard become much easier, simpler and more fun. So, I just want to be with him always and always, share every moment with him.

So, maybe I should get married with my own reason. =)

I just want to be with him… for the rest of my life.

And decided to get married can be that simple.