Should you tell your spouse EVERYTHING?

I bet a lot of people who are newly married have this question in their mind. Because I did too. You might notice I use past tense because I have found the answer, thus I am no longer questioning.

But for those who are questioning about the answer…. let me start a (quite) long post.

Like usual, let me give a cute GIF to start the post!

Let me tell you a story first about my conversation with my mom that happened long time ago. It was when I was 15 or 16 years old and I didn’t have many relationship experiences, most of my experiences were bad, in a way that I was mostly hurt.

My mom and I were not close, however on that particular day, she decided to have a little talk about relationship and marriage. She said, “when you get married someday, keep some of your secrets for yourself. Don’t share EVERYTHING to your husband. Always keep some secret.” She even emphasized the word don’t share everything. She even said it twice.

Do you think I agreed with her?

Answer is so obvious!

If you know me well, you would know by now that I never agree with my mom about everything. LOL.

I didn’t agree with her on that very moment, but I knew I didn’t have any arguments to defend myself so I chose to shut my big mouth up.

Now that I’m married (tough luck, eh, Mom? LOL) I still disagree with her. But I don’t think she’s wrong.

I don’t think it is wrong not to share everything with your spouse.

But I know for a fact that for me it’s not gonna work. If I didn’t share everything with my spouse, my marriage would fail. That’s me.

So, let’s come back to present moment. I am happily married for 8 months now. I’ve been living together with my husband for 4 years and been together for almost 9 years now.

I do tell my husband EVERYTHING. Seriously, EVERYTHING. So to you, my good friends, when you told me “Don’t tell Bandi!” after you told your story… I never promised. If it was a very secretive thing and I did promise, there is a very small chance I didn’t tell Bandi. (But if someday Bandi asked about it, I would tell him in a heartbeat.)

The thing is…

I’m not good with secrets. Secrets tend to be tied with lies and I am a TERRIBLE LIAR. Seriously I prefer to do anything other than lying. Lying is like a snowball. Once you lie, you have to cover your lies and so on and so on. (I don’t have spare rooms in my brain for this kind of thing!)

Not enough brain cells to lie.

The biggest lie in my life is probably when I live together with Bandi. We have to cover the situation to some people and it was THE WORST! I hated it so much so in some point, I decided to just tell my parents that I lived together with Bandi. There, out of the chest.

For you, male population, who read this, you’re probably wondering how stupid I am, that I am so delusional and I might not know that my husband actually doesn’t do the same thing, which he is NOT telling me everything.

Well… Truth be told, what I’m saying is purely from my side of coin. Yes, I won’t know the fact if Bandi did the same thing to me. But dear… if you don’t trust your spouse, you might as well call a lawyer now and get divorced. Marriage won’t work without trust. This one, I’m 100% sure.

So, I trust him. I trust Bandi is also telling me EVERYTHING.

Bottom line, we tell each other everything. We always thought that healthy relationships have the same thing with us, that the couples tell each other everything, until one day… we found out that it was not the case.

I found out that very moment that the husband lied to the wife about something, even though from my personal opinion, the lie wasn’t even that important! It was a silly lie but he lied anyway and he insisted us not to tell his wife.

Eh, wait! Blackmail idea!

But then after a long conversation with Bandi, we realize that… There is not such thing as a rule of thumb for a perfect relationship. Everyone can design their own relationship and feel perfect about it.

I was so judgy I didn’t know maybe he was protecting her feelings, maybe he knew it better that his wife was better off with lies.

So, let’s go back to the question that made you guys click this blog at the first place. So…

SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR SPOUSE EVERYTHING?

The answer is Yes and No.

It goes back to the purpose of your marriage. This is something that you should discuss with your spouse before you actually got married. So let me put on Dr. Phil mask and do some analytic.

Yes, if you…

  • Are the type of person that value honesty and openness.
  • Are better hurt knowing the truth than not knowing at all.
  • Think it’s about the journey, not the destination.
  • Are a risk taker.

No, if you…

  • Are a goal oriented person.
  • Think ignorance is a bliss.
  • Are practical.
  • Are the type of person that value pride and privacy.
  • Are easily insecure.

So, at the end of the day, it goes back to what type of person you are and what kind of relationship you want. Both are perfectly fine. I have only one thing to underline here… if you have doubts with your spouse, ASK. Never assume. Assuming is the most stupid thing you do in marriage.

When you ask, always believe what your spouse tell you. That’s just how it works.

If you don’t trust your spouse, again, please seek professional help. Something is very wrong.

I hope this post clears any doubts because Valentine’s day is coming!!! I love Valentine’s day! It’s a one-day pass to be mushy mushy in social media! :D

>> What’s your Valentine’s day plan?! Let me know! I love sweet stories!<<

Cheers,

May, assisting Dr. Phil. :p

“The rest of our life”

It was a warm evening on the bus ride from a local Supermarket to our hdb flat when Bandi suddenly said, slowly and dreamily, “Do you realize it? We’re finally living the rest of our life…”

You probably don’t get it. At first I didn’t get it either. What did he mean by that?

“You see, I’ve been saying I wanted to marry you for so long, I’ve been striving to the day I could finally marry you and I’ve been wishing to spend the rest of my life with you… And now it’s happening… You’re already my wife. And we…”

“We are already spending our lives together. We’re already there.” He lifted up the grocery bag on his hand, smiling happily.

Was that contentment I saw in his eyes? I hope so.

Yes, it’s true that we’ve only been married for 3 months but we’ve lived together for the past 3 years. But somehow… I know that he needs security. He needs to title husband to feel content, to know that he is living the rest of his life now.

The phrase “The rest of my life” sounds very long, forever even. It is until the day you die. When we said “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, we didn’t really realize that the “rest of the life” could actually come.

Now.

The rest of the life is now.

Now is already part of the rest of the life.

The rest of our life has already started.

It contains of sharing dreams, cooking meals, cleaning the house, traveling on new adventures, visiting family, working for personal growth, and a lot of grocery shoppings.

It didn’t start merely on the day we said “I do.” It wasn’t like in a movie where there’s a grand orchestra as the background on the first day of the rest of our life.

It was on a bus ride, with sweats on our shirts and grocery bags on our hand… when we finally realized “We are living the rest of our life.”

And he finished it with a happy smirk on his face while saying, “Oh my god, you are finally my wife.”

MayBand 002-RCheers,

May, the wife.

 

Preparing to be Mr and Mrs Cahaya

Ten months to our wedding day… Beside picking the perfect flowers, the perfect gown and the perfect entrée, there is one thing I consider to be the most important thing for preparing myself to be Mrs. Cahaya, that is: having the talk.

The talk, when we discuss about how our finances would be planned, how we’re gonna raise our kids, how important sexual relationship would take part, where are we gonna be retired, who is gonna take care of our parents, and so on and so on.

I read this blog about a week ago and I have waited for a perfect time to ask Bandi to do the 100 questions. He had been busy with work lately so I asked him to spend the whole Saturday with me. He thought that we would only talk about the London itinerary which was half true but I had an ulterior motive too.

Actually I told him about the book on Saturday morning and that I had the extracted 100 questions that I wanted to discuss with him, but he went suddenly defensive and said something like “Why are you still questioning me? I thought we’re passed that.”

I told him not to judge before he even read the questions. This book was supposed to help us to prepare for marriage. He insisted that he was ready and he didn’t need any shrink to tell him about marriage. I kept arguing with him that I believe in human brain and logic for preparing the marriage. I know heart is number one to follow when you wanted to marry someone, whether you love him or not, but brain is what keeps you IN THE MARRIAGE.

In the end, I decided to not argue more and just dropped it.

We went to Starbucks for another brainstorming session of our Europe Trip. After we finished our UK itinerary, he apologized for being such an ass earlier, I said I’m not in the mood anymore for discussing the book’s question, but then Bandi bought us a Les Miserablés tickets for our London trip so yeah, I was suddenly in the good mood. LOL.

We moved to a restaurant and ate and started the first question. It was quite fun, and then we continued to the next question and the next question and the next question and Bandi admitted it, this is fun.

Here’s the 100 questions from the book, if you want to download it and do it with your fiance/fiancée.

Now, let me sum up the best long talk I had with Bandi last weekend. (We actually paused the questions because there wasn’t enough time on Saturday and we continued on Sunday) We spent about total of 10 hours discussing the questions, moved from Dim Sum Restaurant to Ramen place to Fruit Tart. So yeah, it was one sweet (and fattening) weekend.

First of all, it hit me that there were things that I didn’t expect Bandi would say and it calmed me down that there were things that Bandi knew about me so well that he could speak my words. It was like a fun rollercoaster ride.

We argued a lot in a part of how we are gonna be raising our kid(s). He kept saying like “If he skipped school..” or “I will ask him to…” and then I snapped, “Why do you keep using male pronouns?”

“Because I want a son!”

“That is so not fair! So if we had a daughter, you would so gonna resent her?”

“Of course I won’t….” silence, “BUT, I would love a son.”

“SEE? You want a son because you want to play football with him. You thought girls can’t play football!” And then there was a never-ending argument about a child that wasn’t even born yet.

And there was this question:

“Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?”

We both said “No.” And I love that. =)

Bandi and I never had any issue for going out with opposite sex. I have a lot of guy friends and he has a lot of female friends and we love how we are totally comfortable with each other’s friends.

And there was this question:

“How are we different? Could this be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?”

We took so long to discuss this one because sometimes our differences are the source of conflict while the other times, they complement each other. So this is tricky, however I suggest not to stop the discussion and jump to the next question if we were not fully satisfied with the outcome. In terms of characters, we complement each other. When we travel, Bandi is good with maps, I’m not. Bandi can’t plan, I can. Bandi is messy, I am organized. Bandi is physically strong, I am not really. I always think that we are perfect as travel buddy. When we cook, Bandi is usually the executor, he was the one who cooked while I prepped. When he finished with knife, I would at once washed it. It’s just automatic in everything we do like we’re in a team.

However we are different in our logic. There were so many times when our logical differences caused a big argument and often a fight. Come to think of it now, I can’t even name one… I have this tendency to forget what we were fighting about. So I guess, no matter how different we are, we would always find ways to compromise and meet in the middle.

And there were more questions:

“Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?”

Before I answered it, Bandi spoke for me, “you would prefer city. You’re a city girl.” and then he grinned. He’s right. “So we settle for that now.”

“If we are unable to have children, should we adopt?”

Both answered without hesitation, “YES.”

“How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?”

We actually talked about this before and we both tried to accept it for the sake of our kid.

“What are your views on pornography?”

Bandi answered easily, “I love it.” LOL.

I was okay with that anyway.

There were a lot of questions related to how our parents treated each other. Sadly in this part, we both didn’t have a lot of things to learn from but it was nice for us to figure it out ourselves. Like how are we gonna ground our children, what justifies our kid to be grounded and how much freedom we would give our children, etc. It’s good to know that Bandi and I are prepared for this, even though we don’t have that much references.

We talked a lot in this area, especially when this question came: “How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? what will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?”

We disapproved most of the method that both our families used to resolve the conflict and we were thinking what was the better way to do it and discussed the sample case.

And then there was this question:

“Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?”

Bandi said “No.” And I answered, “The concept that I must live together with only one person for the rest of my life.”

He asked again, “That frightens you? And don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“Here’s the thing. I also always feel that I can never get enough of you. I always want to be close to you. Never once in my life I want to be somewhere else but to be here with you. So the concept of living together with ONLY WITH you for the rest of my life really excites me. That’s a paradox, right?”

This morning, a close friend texted me, “Now that you’re getting married, are you ready?”

I answered, “100% ready. Can’t wait to be Mrs. Cahaya.” And then we talked about how this is so funny. Two years ago, with the same guy, the same condition, I said I’m not ready. Then why am I ready now?

Then the paradox concept becomes clearer. Let’s say there is an apple, half rotten, half juicy, sweet and ripe. Two years ago, I saw the apple from the north side, where I could only see the rotten part, and then I was moving slowly towards the south side so I was leaving the rotten part and started to see the juicy part. Now, I’m fully standing in the south and looking at the juice, sweet apple. The apple never changes a bit. The apple is a marriage.

There are always bad and good things about marriage. Two years ago, I preferred to only see the bad side, thus the concept of living with only one person frightens me. Now, I prefer to see the good side, so I think not only the concept is frightening, it is also exciting.

The concept of marriage itself never changes. I change my point of view.

The apple itself never moved. I moved my position.

Enough with that, let’s move to the other question, this one’s a funny one:

“What is nagging? Do I nag? How does it make you feel?”

I answered first, “Nope, you almost never nag.” And then Bandi showed his smug face “You nag almost all the time. Here’s an example. Bandi I’m hungry, come home fast.

“Then just tell me you couldn’t come home fast.”

“Then you would say… It’s okay then, I would just starve… with your dramatic voice,”

And after I laughed so hard, I told him, “Seriously, next time you could just say no and go hang out with your friends.”

“I don’t want to do that because I promised long time ago that you’re my top priority.”

Awwwwwwww!!!!

And then, here’s the last part of the summary:

“What health problems do you have?”

Bandi asnwered, “I have a heart problem.”

And I was shocked.

“My heart is full of you, that’s the problem.”

HAHAHAHAHA! Nice move, Bandi! But you’re still paying the Ramen! XD

After we finished the 100 questions, now Bandi wants it more so I placed an order for the book in bookdepository.

I can’t wait for the book to arrive!!! I will post again when the book arrives, okay?!

For all the bride and groom to be, I may not be able to share tips for choosing wedding venue or wedding favors and stuff but I hope this question would do you good. This is one of the best preparation for your marriage. Don’t skip this part. Enjoy that deep conversation with the love of your life! ;)

Cheers,

May, the happy fiancée.

Be a woman who…

This is a post about a dating/relationship tips coming personally from me. For those who know me well enough, would know that this post is not trustworthy. LOL.

People tend to talk to me about love because I’m romantic (at least I think I am) and the fact that I survived a long term relationship. (They just didn’t know that all the credits go to Bandi. LOL) Take note that this is about relationship in general, not about romance. Romance and relationship are not always related. However, I have learned that woman expects too much from guys that she doesn’t even know that she’s the problem.

Don’t demand to have a perfect man of your version (whether he’s rich, handsome, Korean, or smart) when you are obviously not pursuing yourself to be a better woman.

Don’t just demand, demand and demand! Relationship is not only about you. It takes two to tango. And first of all, don’t be a bitch of everything. Don’t just expect to take, try to also give.

Be a woman who is/does…

Independent

Not only financially independent, but also socially independent. Don’t use excuses such as “I can’t go there by myself” or “there’s no one who accompany me.” Whether you are single or having a boyfriend/husband, DO NOT depend on your spouse for little things. Yes, you may depend on him when there is a fire or when you need comfort in the funeral, but don’t depend on him to find you a job, to pick you up from shopping or worse, depend on him FINANCIALLY. Wtf, woman, get a grip!

Laugh a lot

Men like a lady who covers her mouth when she laughs? Louis VI probably does but he’s a chauvinist dumb anyway.
True lady laughs when she hears something funny, I mean like literally laughing. And it is a bonus if you have a good sense of humour. After all, we, women like a man who makes us laugh, don’t you think man wants the same?

Have the power

I don’t mean for every woman to be alpha female. I don’t think it’s necessary to be an alpha female unless you’re a single mom raising 4 kids but woman cannot be powerless. If you are powerless, Ibu Kartini will seriously cry.
Have the power to say no to a guy, for everything he asks if you’re uncomfortable with, say no. Have the power to, in return, say what you want. Don’t just say no and then full stop. Say no and then say what you want. Men can’t read your minds.

Confident

You owe this to yourself. DON’T EVER CHANGE the way you perceive things just because people say so (or that particular guy hoped to.) Be confident not only in the way you dress, the way you do your hair, but also most importantly in the way you think. For whatever weird/silly/different the way you think or dress is, you will still look awesome when you are confident about it. Don’t ever change.

No matter how bad your past is, how horrible people say about you, don’t bother. (But don’t be so delusional too lah. :p) You need a true friend to tell the thin line sometimes.

But always remember this:

Say what you mean and mean what you say, for those who mind don’t matter and who matter don’t mind.

Honest and kind

There is nothing ever goes wrong with being honest. For all my life, only one thing that stays constantly with myself, that is being honest. You may encounter problems for being honest, but it will always be right.
Being kind is hard, but it also will be always right.

Able to do guy’s work.

“I can’t change the light bulb because my dad used to do it for me all the time.” Well, sweetie, you won’t live with your dad for the rest of your life. “Then my husband will do it.” Well, that’s true. But your husband might do other women too because you’re such a spoiled brat.

Doing guy’s work doesn’t change you to be a butch, it just shows that you are independent. It is true that man loves to feel needed (it’s their nature to be a prince/superhero) but prince will be tired too if the princess is asked to be saved again and again and again. Sometimes you must show him that you are capable to take care even guy’s work. It’s matter of fact a turn on for guys.

Full of Surprises

Don’t be a woman who flashes out all your positive values in the beginning of dating/relationship. Keep some for the guy to find it himself later. “Wow! You can paint?” or “Wow! You can play skateboard?” will give you another boost of confidence. His surprised face is a nice bonus.

Pays her own things

DON’T LET A GUY PAY FOR YOUR BAGS, or clothes or watches or any goods in the beginning of the relationship or dating. Remember this: in the first date, let him pay for everything. It is A MUST. (I’m a feminist! I won’t let him pay. STFU, I’m a feminist and I still think guy must pay the first date.) Bandi didn’t even let me pay for my angkot fees in our first date.

You may offer to pay politely but when he refuses, drop it off. He’s being a gentleman. If you like him, you may say “Next time is on me.” (This shows him that you want another date). So basically in first date, guys will pay for your meal, your entertainment fee (like movie tickets, fair tickets, skating fees and stuffs) and your transport (if both of you take public transport) or he will need to drive you home (if only him driving a car) or he will walk with you to the carpark and watch you go (if you’re driving). If he does less than that, it is okay to reconsider second date or have a girly talk with your girlfriends to decide the verdict.

But do remember this: DON’T BUY ANYTHING in the first date. First, because it is about getting to know each other and second, you shouldn’t let him pay for your things. If you let him, he will get the idea that he can buy your happiness. And trust me, you don’t want guys who think that making girls happy equals to showering her with gifts.

In a long term relationship, don’t let him pay for your phone bills and/or other personal bills, and for me, I don’t let Bandi pay for my things when I go shopping (but this is individual preference, however it’s up to you.) He may give you birthday/valentine/anniversary or no occasion present no matter how expensive but don’t let him pay for your shopping expense that you initiated.

Have friends

I always tell my guy friends this “Don’t ever date a girl who doesn’t have best friends.” Why? Because once she become your girlfriend, you will be needy, whiny, clingy, you name it. She will need you to be with her 24/7 and suddenly you will be sucked into her depression.
Be a woman that has a good friendship with girls. If you don’t like friending girls because of their dramas and complications, then at least have a lesbian friend. But trust me, Girlfriends are great. =) It’s worth all the drama and sweats and tears. Haha

Stand up for herself

Don’t cry just because of small fights like he does things you don’t like. Woman up and tell him you don’t like that. If any other people tried to bully you, don’t go to your boyfriend and be a wimp, stand up for yourself! Unless Chuck Norris is the one who bullied you, then call your boyfriend lah.

Prefer to be single than in an unhappy relationship

Well, I don’t understand what’s so hard to be single, why people is so afraid to be single they chose to be in an unhappy relationship. Maybe it’s not relevant since the last time I was single is when I still had number one in the first digit of my age. Oh wait, I was technically single in my two years of LDR. And all I did (beside being a bitch to my Long Distance Boyfriend) was being a gym freak, had too much sleepover with girlfriends and went to awesome concerts. So yeah, your life is not over just because you’re single. Get over it.

If were born as a man would love to date herself

Let me ask you something, if you were born as a man, would you fall in love with yourself? If you do, then you are a narcissistic bitch. LOL. No lah, it means you are confident and you love yourself and that’s good. =)

Smart

Doesn’t need to be book smart, but street smart. But it won’t hurt to read more books and broaden your knowledge once in a while. You don’t need to act smart though, if you don’t know something, admit it, it would probably lead to an interesting topic and conversation. And the bonus is, you get to know something.
And this is important: Don’t be delusional. If a man cheats on you, don’t make an excuse “But he still loves me.” If you still insist, then close my blog please.

Be herself

This is the most important, number one, super cool trait of a woman… to be herself.
Either you are a psychotic bitch, a tomboy with daddy issue, or a creative slacker. Nobody’s perfect but as long as you love yourself, proud to be yourself and bring the best out of yourself, then nobody can resist that charm.

So yeah, at the end of the day, just be whoever you want to be and be comfortable with it. Let people fall in love with who you really are. But don’t be a spoiled brat lah. LOL.

This is just what I have been observing for a while… that only smart, independent and confident woman get to live her life to the fullest, either being single or in a relationship. So, be that kind of woman.

Be the happy one.

Happy woman is the most attractive woman.

Don’t you think so, guys?

Cheers,

May, the smart-ass.

When a man loves a woman

Actually I have been wanting to post this since two weeks ago but I just seemed never in the perfect mood.

Well now I am. I am in the perfect mood to be a feminist who defends a man!

As much as I wanted ladies to read this and understand this, I also wanted men to comment their thoughts about it. So here we go…

With growing number of jerks in this world, it’s very hard to find a real man who really is a gentleman. And when we finally meet a nice gentleman, what do we do? We dump him!

Yeah, Girls tend to dump nice man!!!! (I know, I know, not all girls, I actually meant this statement to one girl only)

*sigh* I don’t know how to start this post.

Why? WHY??? Why we dump nice men and go after jerks? I have a lot of friends who are in a relationship with man who doesn’t treat them right and yet they stay. And when you’ve found a man who’s actually nice to you, you’re questioning them. “Why is he so nice? Does he want something from me?”

We, women, think that men are heartless, cruel, insincere and selfish so when they’re acting like one, we’re okay with that because we think it’s normal. And when they’re doing something sincerely nice, we question them!

In this post, I just want to emphasize one more time that NICE GUYS DO EXIST.

Let’s just get to the point why I make this post in the first place. I have a bestfriend who had a nine years relationship and ended up in a trash (I wrote a letter once to the girl here). A year later, he still hasn’t moved on, so he flew to Singapore and crashed at my place, drinking the pain away. (Literally)

I don’t have many male friends who talk about love. I think he’s the only one who really talks about love so deep with me. I never thought men can talk about love that serious.

I always talk about love with my female friends, using the reason that “Men don’t understand our feelings!”

And guess what? Men think the same too!! That is why I was being ditched out during those 3 nights for sharing the drinks and the love talks. He and Bandi talked alllll night WITHOUT ME! They wasted time and money to buy cans of beers just to talk and talk and talk. (This is one side of Bandi and guys in general I never knew about)

When I asked them about the details, they didn’t want to tell me. I only know they were talking about love and how it hurt.

Really??? Guys could feel hurt?! YES!

(Seriously there was the time when I thought men couldn’t feel pain. There was the time when I was so cynical about love too.)

So, let me tell you something, ladies… (I am not a man, but I hope I could talk on behalf of them)

When a man loves a woman, he is really capable to actually love! (I know we women tend to think they are not capable, but they are!)

When a man loves a woman, the only mission he’s doing everyday is just to make you happy. Seriously, I was laughing on it for 10 seconds hearing this from them but then they looked damn serious. While we, women, always demand the guys to be more romantic, to be more initiative, more blah blah blah, what they wanted all along is… to make us happy.

When a man loves a woman, he thinks about the woman more than we thought he would. He’s probably not as expressive as we are, writing on facebook or post his photos in instagram, but he really does think about his girl, almost all the time.

When a man loves a woman, he puts her in his future dream. This one is for sure.

So when a man has been having this girl in his future dream for 9 freaking years, he’s crushed when she’s suddenly not in his life anymore!

So yeah, men is more difficult to move on than us, women. My friend broke up with his 9 years girlfriend last year. She’s now in a relationship with someone else while my friend is still stuck trying to drink the pain away.

Ladies, don’t hurt men. Don’t think that their hearts are hard as rock. They are as humane as we are. If you don’t intend to marry him, don’t tell him that you love him that much. It works both way right?

If you demand gender equality, to be equally placed with men in work and politic, we should start to see men equally vulnerable with us too.

There are a lot of stories about men hurting women, but not much for the opposite because of the strong exterior of men. They tend to look not to care but they do.

It’s true that we can’t easily trust men based on the growing number of jerks, but don’t let the paranoia slips the right one away.

And YOU! Yes YOU! You got the right one slipped away. How could you just move on from a guy who has been in your life for freaking 9 years???!!!!

(Arrgh, now it sounds just like an angry post. T.T)

I just hope this world is filled with people who’s perfectly happy with the one they’re with. If Kim Jong Un has found the one he’s in love with, maybe none of the silliness happened.

Ah, who am I to know, right? I’m in love but once in a while I still want to send nuclear to some people. Yeah, we’re human afterall. Heartbreaks are inevitable.

Have a good long weekend!

(I know I will since I am picking up Strawberry at the airport! Yippee!)

Cheers,

May, still a feminist.

When I have a boyfriend

Photo 2-4-13 7 05 39 AM
When I was single, I always thought, geez what’s wrong with these ladies? When I have a boyfriend one day, I’ll let him play FIFA (or WE for that matter) as long as he wants, I even will play with him all night and I’ll be the coolest girlfriend ever.

When I have a boyfriend, I will never interrupt his buddy boy time, he can be out as long as he wants.

When I have a boyfriend, I will hang out with his guy friends talking about football and girls.

Well, single May, those are bunch of horse craps!!!

No women would let the man just sitting around do nothing but play fifa. No hell way! Yes you can do that with your male buddies which I had a lot back then and all we did was hanging around all day do nothing but play games or play card games or sing along with guitars and just haaanggg, talking about football and chicks. I was  the coolest female friend any men could ever had.

But once the man turns to be your boyfriend, he is set to be some awesome grandeur hero that you want. AND IT’S OKAY, LADIES! It’s okay to set certain expectation for your boyfriend, especially when it is a serious relationship and you vision him as your future husband.
If he doesn’t wanna live striving for your expectations then screw him!!! (Well as long as the expectations are real, m’kay?)
Yeah you can have your FIFA time but not ALL DAY!!! two or three hours are okay but not prioritizing the game over us! That’s not right!

I hate it when men said we, women, don’t understand them. You freaking chauvinist dumb, if we don’t understand you, we won’t ever want to tolerate your stinky socks, your stupid jokes, your messy cereal crumbs, and all your other bad habits. We weren’t built for living with those craps, but we do compromise!

We always ALWAYS try to understand men, but do men try hard enough to understand women? No, I don’t think so. And we’re pushing you to be better is not because we hate to see you’re having fun with your games, but we want you to be better. Not only be a better and more responsible man for us, but also for our future kids.

Men expect women to accept them in bad times, when men didn’t have a single cent on their pockets. Men wants women who see them when they had nothing. I agree with that. But please don’t stay there. When a woman, one special woman has come to your life when you had nothing, don’t you want to strive everything for her? Prioritize her above anything, even above your stupid game? Be somebody that she will be proud of, not just some lame lazy gamer?! Man up!

I’m a gamer myself. I do sometimes play game on my free time, and let Bandi did the same thing too. But I don’t and NEVER put my game above him. That’s just plain stupid. I hate when men make chauvinist joke about how women are easy and games are hard. I hate douches like that! And it doesn’t make you cool!!! Defending your game over your girlfriends and showing off to your friends doesn’t make you cool. That makes you A JERK! (And that goes to you Balotelli, whether your twitter accound is really verified or not.)

So, if I could tell single me years ago, I would tell her…

When you have a boyfriend, you’ll make him understand that it is not cool to treat girl any less important than games.

When you have a boyfriend, you’re gonna be cool with his friends but not necessary means always hang around with them.

When you have a boyfriend, he’s gonna be that man you’ve always wanted, not LESS. You deserve the BEST for you, not the second best.

You don’t settle for the second best, ladies. You deserve the best for you. The one who finds any game lost its interesting point once you enter the room. =)

(Please do understand the best in this case is always different for everyone. If he’s the best for you, doesn’t necessarily mean the best for me. You know, that one custom made person by god especially for you.)

I know I probably took the Balotelli’s joke too seriously. However he’s Balotelli for god’s sake, he does stupid things in his own childish ways (But I must still have to support him as long as he’s in Italian National Squad). Anyway, it’s not only because of Balotelli’s joke itself, it’s just too much chauvinist jokes in the internet and I feel like I should make a post. You don’t need to be a feminist to be offended anyway.

For a relationship matter, I’m an idealist, and I will always be.

P.S: I just put a new link titled “My Personal Favorite Posts” which is compilation of my favorite posts that I put a lot of mind into and also the ones I love the most. =)

Cheers,

May, tantrum-ing on words.

In a (serious) relationship

How many of your friends are in a relationship on their facebook page? Must be hundreds. But how many of them are in a serious relationship that’s actually going somewhere? You know, not the lovey dovey “Honey I love you mwach2”-wall posts but the meet-the-parents kinda relationship.

A friend asked me, if Bandi was just a fling, how did you manage to have a freakin seven years fling?

Well, my friend, of course now he’s not a fling anymore. He’s my boyfriend and we’re in a relationship. Ahem, in a serious relationship. But then I remember that Bandi supposed to be just a fling, how on earth I’m still with him now?! And when was the moment of transition from a casual dry-hump (pretend this is a very funny joke) to a “where do you want to live after graduation?” talk?

I don’t wanna talk about the moment when I knew he’s the one or that I wanted to marry him because that gives me creep . This is the a-ha moment when I knew that he is serious with me, that this is going somewhere (hopefully going to Paris. hahaha. pardon my obsession.)

The A-ha Moments

I asked couple of bloggers and friends and I love how it turned out. They all started to write essays of how the a-ha moment appeared. I agree with every points I’m writing below and I can really relate to every one of them. Every moment will strengthen your feeling towards your partner.

However I also receive a lot of emails saying that they don’t have their a-ha moment, that it is actually a series of personal confirmation of the feeling itself. I guess that makes sense too because everyone has different characters and way of thinking. I, myself, haven’t found a real a-ha moment that could really confirms that he’s the one, and maybe I never will because for me it’s also a series of serendipity. =)

I think that some people only need one a-ha moment for a confirmation, while some others are so self centered they ask for series of confirmation. Hahaha. relax, me too.

So, these are some of the most chosen a-ha moments:

  1. When we believe in the same thing. May it be a religion, a political party or a marvel superhero, people who believe in the same thing usually works for long term, whether it’s a romantic relationship or friendship.
  2. When we shared our dirty laundry. Not literally (Although it also might work literally). This is also the moment when you know it’s a serious relationship because when you share your darkest secret, you knew you can trust this person you share to and what’s better than always having someone you can trust around you? =) That will lead to the future projection of spending the rest of your life with him/her or even serious, marrying him/her.
  3. The sacrifice. This applies both for the sacrificer and sacrificee. (If there were even those words.) Have you ever found out you’re doing something you wouldn’t do normally or something you didn’t like, without even broken a sweat? You’ve done it happily with thoughts that you’re doing it for him/her. You would send her home no matter how far her home is (the further is the better so you can spend more time with her.) Or even more serious, some men would actually die for the women they love.
  4. When we travel together. Always ALWAYS go travel together (just the two of you) before you decided to get married, and not the honeymoon-y kind of travel when you stay at 5 stars hotel and have tour guides all the time but the backpacking kind of travel. Stay in not so good hotel, find out your own path to the museums in the middle of nowhere that you can’t even read the map because it’s written in foreign alphabet. Fight and make up and keep traveling. I have so many friends telling me that they got the a-ha moment when they travel together. SERIOUSLY a lot of blogger friend telling me this. To quote from a man who’s gonna celebrate his 50th Marriage Anniversary soon, “A couple that survives a holiday can survive anything.”
  5. When I’m sick. That is when you wear no make up, grumpy and probably showerless for quite some time. The a-ha moment would probably appear between the times of cleaning up your vomit and feeling happy to see you finally get well.
  6. Distance. I don’t wanna ever encourage this, but sometimes Long Distance Relationship could be your awakening moment when you realize that your life is still going on, but would be much MUCH better with him/her around. And that’s the a-ha moment when you know you want spend more time (or the rest of your life) with him/her.

It gives me hope that now I realize so many people still believe on their guts, and I’m so happy that this question opened a gate of great conversations and great love stories that people shared with me. I’m so touched with how fellow bloggers would love to spend their times writing me long emails about their love story. Thank you Dian, Dea, Wu, Arman, Tantri, and Jerry for the well-written essay attachment. =)

At first I only hoped they would reply me for such short and simple sentence because I guessed they would be too busy or something, so I was so overwhelmed with everyone’s nice replies. And reading their love stories brought smiles on my days.

I ALWAYS LOVE TO READ LOVE STORY. So, random people, you are always welcomed to email me your love story, any kind of story, just to make my day. =)

My stupid a-ha moment

I don’t wanna talk about the scary stuff like whether he’s the one, or something like that. You know I don’t take relationship too seriously so I guess I’ll pick this particular moment as my a-ha moment.

For me, I knew that I started to be in a serious relationship when I first farted in front of him. I think it was about around the 9th or 10th month of the relationship. I did it and he asked, “Did you just fart?” and I was so embarrassed I put a pillow on my face and said “yes” very softly. He laughed his ass off. He later confessed that he was so relieved that I initiated the first fart so now he didn’t need to hold the gas and went to the bathroom everytime he wanted to fart.

And until now, everytime my friend talked to me about their relationship, I would ask, “Have you farted in front of him?” because that’s how you set the bar of how serious your relationship is.

I had a friend who got married only after 6 months of relationship, she hadn’t even farted in front of her husband and I was strongly against the wedding. I told her that you should ever marry someone who never farted in front of you! But I think that came out wrong because she did marry him anyway. =(

When I talked to Bandi about a-ha moment, he would automatically sit up straight and look serious. (Like that would make a lot of difference.) Being the contrast of me, he is very stable with his feeling. He always knew that this relationship going somewhere and he never backed out even I acted all drama about it.

It was when I bought a one way ticket from US to Singapore.

That is why he never doubt about us, that is why he is the stronger one. Because he had his (probably more exploding than a-ha sound) moment when he knew that I’m the one.

Compared that to my farting a-ha moment, I’m so screwed!!!

So, here’s a sharing wisdom… If you have a crush on a non-single guy, try to find out whether he already farted in front of the (stupid) girlfriend, if he hasn’t, you still have a chance!!! Don’t give up! *throw confetti*

Cheers to all the farting couple,

May.

I don’t know anything about death.

All my friends and my blog reader know that I’m not close with my family, mentally and emotionally.

I love my Mom and Dad, but thank god they’re still alive until now.

I have this tendency not to so attached with anyone, including my parents and my siblings. I have never talked about my family in this blog, haven’t I? I wasn’t close to my grandparents either, so when they died, there was no apocalypse-like in my life.

I lost a good friend once, which I made a post about her here.

I liked her very much and it was so sad that she went away so fast.

I also lost my doggies couple of times, and I should tell you, it was the hardest time for me of accepting death.

I learn so many things about death from Mitch Albom’s books, such as Tuesday with Morries, with the famous quotation:

Death ends life, not relationship. — Morrie Schwartz

And also “Five people you meet in heaven” and “Have a little Faith”.

Albom is the only writer that perceive death as a celebration, not a tragedy. And I love him for that.

As beautiful as words could be arranged by Albom, death is surely a tragedy for some people. I want to talk about one particular tragedy that happened in my closest person’s life, Bandi last week. He just lost his Grams, whom he’s very close with, who technically raised him to be what he is now today. His Grams was perfectly healthy and was taken away all of sudden, in the morning, during her usual chores. Nobody knew she would go away so fast.

I was the one who deliver this message to him, which I got from his uncle. He left his office at once and met me at home, to buy tickets to his hometown. He took his two little sisters with him and off we go to his hometown, the longest journey ever because that restless feeling.

I didn’t know losing someone important can really hit your life to the rocks bottom. I really didn’t know, so I did’t know what to do or what to say to him. How broken hearted I was to see him broke down like that, and there was nothing I could do. I was just being there, without doing anything.

Until now, I never talk to him about death because I don’t know anything about it. The same thing when my bestfriend lost her father. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. But that didn’t mean I don’t care at all. I just didn’t know what it was all about. Who am I talking about death? I don’t know anything about it. That’s the only thing that scared me to death, no pun intended.

So, when is this tragedy turns to be this celebration like what Albom has written?

When is this all finally explain the “everything happens for reason?”

;

May.

A Blast from the Past: Long Distance Relationship Ideas.

Just when I thought I will never make any more post about LDR, here I am, reminiscing my own memories with my LDR and my tricks during the whole shits, hopefully can help any of you who are in the Long Distance Relationshit. So, after those hundreds of whining LDR posts (Ok, I’m exaggerating) here goes the last one (finally, hopefully).

I was in LDR for 2 years 1 month, between Texas and Bandung-Jakarta-Singapore. However, unlike some of you, I can’t just do impulse things like maxing out my credit cards by buying tickets and visit each other, because even though I did buy tickets, I couldn’t enter without visa. So, all I could do was just accept the fact that I’m in a fucking LDR. And in order to make it work, we did couple of fun things together online and here are some of my LDR Ideas that hopefully can help you all.

  1. Pizza Night

Pick up your favorite pizza parlor, order while Skype online, so you can see each other. After you order, bet whose pizza will arrive first. Maybe you could bet for whoever lost, must strip. LOL

So anyway, after the pizzas arrive, you can have a pizza time just like normal couple, expect the fact that your other half is inside the fucking monitor. But hey, you still have the conversation, the pizza and the soda. So why complain? ;)

  1. Play chess online

Bandi and I did this all the time. You can google online chess game or just play it through yahoo messenger’s game tools. It might be a little personal for me because Bandi and I like to play chess and mock each other everytime we do wrong steps and one will beg the other one to undo the step. For a while I could fee like we were actually playing together.

  1. Watch movie together

This one is also my personal favorite because god knows how much we love watching movie together and comment a lot during the movie. We loved snuggling while watching DVDs, so because we were in the LDR, so I would just snuggle with pillows, with him online through phone. I used headset during the whole movie.

Both of you must download the chosen movie the night before, preferably from the same website/torrent, and then click play in the same time. Therefore, both of you will watch technically together, the exactly same movie.

This might a little costly since you must use phone call the whole movie, but since you’re in the LDR, I believe you reserve quite amount of money for this phone bill crap.

So, enjoy the movie and happy commenting!

  1. Messenger doodle

Do you know Yahoo Messenger have this doodle tools? It’s so fun to do. You could draw together, playing hangman, writing “I love you” and so on. You could also take out the girl and boy creature and kiss or hug each other. You could say, “That’s me, kissing you, in a parallel universe. =)

  1. Karaoke Night

Another favorite!!! Download a ‘music only’ song from youtube or any other website, connect Skype and play the song on the Windows Media Player or something. Then sing together like you’re in the karaoke!

Anyway this activity needs a headset to be plugged into your CPU. Our favorite online karaoke song was “Don’t wanna miss a thing” by Aerosmith. =)

  1. The “What would I do” game.

I can’t guarantee a suicidal feeling during this game, you know, because since you can only touch the monitor. So, this game is basically just telling each other and making the list of “What would I do once you’re here”. You can start with simple things as “kiss your eyes” or “take you to the beach” and it would just go on and on and on until you two start to be depressed. Well, don’t tell you I didn’t warn you. But however this game also made quite positive impact for my LDR. After we play this game, I always this “looking forward” feeling for everything in the list to be finally happened. It’s probably a good motivation for you not to give up.

  1. Letters and Cards

Not email and ecard, but real mail and real card! I looove writing letters to Bandi. It felt Jane Austen-like and it was so romantic! I would spray my perfume on the letter so he could have my smell for some times. The feeling of receiving letters and cards were as amazing as writing them. I love the feeling that the card I’m holding was actually touched by Bandi! Oh that’s how much I miss him!

I think it’s one of the MUST MUST do during LDR, because sending letters and cards take much more effort than email and ecard. Believe it or not, during the whole LDR, Bandi never even once, sent me ecard. He’s just as classic romantic as me. We love real cards. =)

  1. Le Sexy Time

Well, I hope you all who’s doing the LDR is at least 18, because hey, before 18 is waaaaay too young for a committed relationship, especially if it’s LDR!! No way! What? What did you think I will say?

So anyway, Sexy time during LDR is both tricky and lucky. Tricky because well, you know how sad it is not being kissed an touched by the person you love when that person is just right in front of you, but separated by that fucking monitor fake glass. Lucky because it’s impossible to do more sin and harm. LOL

Le Sexy time won’t be as intense as normal relationship, because most of the time you do via Skype is talking and flashing boobs. And when it’s the guy’s time to flash boobs, it’s just unfair!

I won’t teach you creative idea for Le Sexy time in my blog (trust me I have a lot LOL), because I have minor readers (really?) but from my point of view, it’s very necessary in an LDR.

Don’t ever think by being in an LDR, your relationship is paused. It’s still progressing just like any other normal relationship, so don’t stop or decrease the thoughts of spending time together. You guys will spend time together just like usual, you guys will have dates just like usual. The difference is just you two are not in the same place geographically. My case with Bandi was even shittier because we have a huge time difference. Every night I will call him to wake him up. Sometimes it’s even dawn at his hour, if I was too tired for a late night chat. However, keep spending time together even though it’s just 5 minutes!!

Keep arranging dates, game nights, movie nights, etc, just like normal couple do. Don’t put your life on hold just because you’re in an LDR. Don’t keep the grudges during LDR and thought you will pour out later. Trust me; there will no later for that case. Just pour out via skype, honey.

And one last very important tagline from my LDR:

Keep the faith, avoid the drama.

Alright so that’s a warp. This post is probably the last post about LDR I will ever make. (Knock on wood I don’t want any more LDR) My LDR was hard and it sucks big BIG time. But it’s not impossible. Remember this glorious feeling you’ll have once you got through it. However LDR is still the biggest tag in my blog and I met a lot of friendly blogger during that LDR blogging times. ;)

So, Have a fun LDR (oh come on, who am I kidding?!)

Have a passable LDR!

I hate LDR so don’t come for me asking for advice!! LOL just kidding.

Love,

May

We should’ve never questioned True Love

I just watched this movie, “Letters to Juliet” and it was fascinating! The plot was actually very common for a Hollywood love story. I mean, I watched tons of these kinds.

But somehow this movie stole something from me. Maybe it was the setting (the world’s capital love story: VERONA), maybe it was the soundtracks (couple of Colbie Caillat’s, Italian Orchestra and Taylor Swift’s Love Story) or maybe it’s simply because believing True Love isn’t that naïve anymore.

The opening of the movie itself amazed myself that I needed to hit ‘pause’ button and wrote it on my twitter. :p

Well, I’m not writing a review for this movie. I just felt the urge to write right after I watched the movie, coz Sophie (the leading lady) wrote a story from a scratch on her little notebook (not the electronic notebook!) and I felt I was a bitch when I said I didn’t write much just because I haven’t got my new notebook (the electronic one!) From now on, I’ll start a book from a scratch, on an actual notebook. ;) Yes, I’ll sell my PC at this end of the month coz I’m moving abroad. I’m not gonna tell you where to yet, but I was pretty stressed about the whole moving thing. Working permit, will my saving be enough, where to stay and everything. I kinda lost my faith a little bit… well I’m not gonna bore you with this irritating problem, coz it’s not the point anyway.

The thing about Sophie I love the most is she believes true love from the beginning to end, without even questioning a little bit.

Naïve? Not Really.

Why? Because when you really believe in something, it will eventually become real.

I grew up believing true love from Hollywood movies, a stack of Danielle Steel’s novels, along with MTV’s top forty love songs. If I think about it now, I would totally think the teenager me is going to die alone. LOL.

But somehow, however impossible it may seem, when you believe it so hard, it will be real eventually. I believed it hardcore. I should’ve never questioned it.

I never witness true love myself, yet I still believe it. My parents are… well, they are great, but they don’t fit each other. It’s a miracle to see them not fighting and blame each other for a day. I get used to it now, I think it’s kinda pathetic but I concentrate more to the fact I didn’t turn out to be one of those cold woman who doesn’t believe in love. I just don’t believe in marriage. I have my reasons, but somehow now I’m open with that option. :)

As Sophie said in the movie, ’What’ and ‘If’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

Always have

Name all the bravest things you’ve done! Bungee jumping, traveling alone to the stranded country where you don’t understand the language, riding the fastest roller coaster, or whatever. But the bravest thing I’ve ever done is following my heart and believed in it. You’ll be surprised how great the courage you’d take when you love someone so deeply.

I’m a hardcore dreamer. And I’ll always be. But you should know that dreams are evolving too. They are compromising you each day.

My dream proposal is: Paris + diamond ring + romantic walk along the Seine river. My dream honeymoon is: Santorini, Santorini and Santorini.

But somehow, I know that it’s not the what, where and how that matters. As long as it’s with the WHO I love, then I’m living my dream.

So?Always will

Let’s BELIEVE! It’s happening!

May