I bet a lot of people who are newly married have this question in their mind. Because I did too. You might notice I use past tense because I have found the answer, thus I am no longer questioning.
But for those who are questioning about the answer…. let me start a (quite) long post.
Let me tell you a story first about my conversation with my mom that happened long time ago. It was when I was 15 or 16 years old and I didn’t have many relationship experiences, most of my experiences were bad, in a way that I was mostly hurt.
My mom and I were not close, however on that particular day, she decided to have a little talk about relationship and marriage. She said, “when you get married someday, keep some of your secrets for yourself. Don’t share EVERYTHING to your husband. Always keep some secret.” She even emphasized the word don’t share everything. She even said it twice.
Do you think I agreed with her?
If you know me well, you would know by now that I never agree with my mom about everything. LOL.
I didn’t agree with her on that very moment, but I knew I didn’t have any arguments to defend myself so I chose to shut my big mouth up.
Now that I’m married (tough luck, eh, Mom? LOL) I still disagree with her. But I don’t think she’s wrong.
I don’t think it is wrong not to share everything with your spouse.
But I know for a fact that for me it’s not gonna work. If I didn’t share everything with my spouse, my marriage would fail. That’s me.
So, let’s come back to present moment. I am happily married for 8 months now. I’ve been living together with my husband for 4 years and been together for almost 9 years now.
I do tell my husband EVERYTHING. Seriously, EVERYTHING. So to you, my good friends, when you told me “Don’t tell Bandi!” after you told your story… I never promised. If it was a very secretive thing and I did promise, there is a very small chance I didn’t tell Bandi. (But if someday Bandi asked about it, I would tell him in a heartbeat.)
The thing is…
I’m not good with secrets. Secrets tend to be tied with lies and I am a TERRIBLE LIAR. Seriously I prefer to do anything other than lying. Lying is like a snowball. Once you lie, you have to cover your lies and so on and so on. (I don’t have spare rooms in my brain for this kind of thing!)
The biggest lie in my life is probably when I live together with Bandi. We have to cover the situation to some people and it was THE WORST! I hated it so much so in some point, I decided to just tell my parents that I lived together with Bandi. There, out of the chest.
For you, male population, who read this, you’re probably wondering how stupid I am, that I am so delusional and I might not know that my husband actually doesn’t do the same thing, which he is NOT telling me everything.
Well… Truth be told, what I’m saying is purely from my side of coin. Yes, I won’t know the fact if Bandi did the same thing to me. But dear… if you don’t trust your spouse, you might as well call a lawyer now and get divorced. Marriage won’t work without trust. This one, I’m 100% sure.
So, I trust him. I trust Bandi is also telling me EVERYTHING.
Bottom line, we tell each other everything. We always thought that healthy relationships have the same thing with us, that the couples tell each other everything, until one day… we found out that it was not the case.
I found out that very moment that the husband lied to the wife about something, even though from my personal opinion, the lie wasn’t even that important! It was a silly lie but he lied anyway and he insisted us not to tell his wife.
But then after a long conversation with Bandi, we realize that… There is not such thing as a rule of thumb for a perfect relationship. Everyone can design their own relationship and feel perfect about it.
I was so judgy I didn’t know maybe he was protecting her feelings, maybe he knew it better that his wife was better off with lies.
So, let’s go back to the question that made you guys click this blog at the first place. So…
SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR SPOUSE EVERYTHING?
The answer is Yes and No.
It goes back to the purpose of your marriage. This is something that you should discuss with your spouse before you actually got married. So let me put on Dr. Phil mask and do some analytic.
Yes, if you…
- Are the type of person that value honesty and openness.
- Are better hurt knowing the truth than not knowing at all.
- Think it’s about the journey, not the destination.
- Are a risk taker.
No, if you…
- Are a goal oriented person.
- Think ignorance is a bliss.
- Are practical.
- Are the type of person that value pride and privacy.
- Are easily insecure.
So, at the end of the day, it goes back to what type of person you are and what kind of relationship you want. Both are perfectly fine. I have only one thing to underline here… if you have doubts with your spouse, ASK. Never assume. Assuming is the most stupid thing you do in marriage.
When you ask, always believe what your spouse tell you. That’s just how it works.
If you don’t trust your spouse, again, please seek professional help. Something is very wrong.
I hope this post clears any doubts because Valentine’s day is coming!!! I love Valentine’s day! It’s a one-day pass to be mushy mushy in social media! :D
>> What’s your Valentine’s day plan?! Let me know! I love sweet stories!<<
May, assisting Dr. Phil. :p