Should you tell your spouse EVERYTHING?

I bet a lot of people who are newly married have this question in their mind. Because I did too. You might notice I use past tense because I have found the answer, thus I am no longer questioning.

But for those who are questioning about the answer…. let me start a (quite) long post.

Like usual, let me give a cute GIF to start the post!

Let me tell you a story first about my conversation with my mom that happened long time ago. It was when I was 15 or 16 years old and I didn’t have many relationship experiences, most of my experiences were bad, in a way that I was mostly hurt.

My mom and I were not close, however on that particular day, she decided to have a little talk about relationship and marriage. She said, “when you get married someday, keep some of your secrets for yourself. Don’t share EVERYTHING to your husband. Always keep some secret.” She even emphasized the word don’t share everything. She even said it twice.

Do you think I agreed with her?

Answer is so obvious!

If you know me well, you would know by now that I never agree with my mom about everything. LOL.

I didn’t agree with her on that very moment, but I knew I didn’t have any arguments to defend myself so I chose to shut my big mouth up.

Now that I’m married (tough luck, eh, Mom? LOL) I still disagree with her. But I don’t think she’s wrong.

I don’t think it is wrong not to share everything with your spouse.

But I know for a fact that for me it’s not gonna work. If I didn’t share everything with my spouse, my marriage would fail. That’s me.

So, let’s come back to present moment. I am happily married for 8 months now. I’ve been living together with my husband for 4 years and been together for almost 9 years now.

I do tell my husband EVERYTHING. Seriously, EVERYTHING. So to you, my good friends, when you told me “Don’t tell Bandi!” after you told your story… I never promised. If it was a very secretive thing and I did promise, there is a very small chance I didn’t tell Bandi. (But if someday Bandi asked about it, I would tell him in a heartbeat.)

The thing is…

I’m not good with secrets. Secrets tend to be tied with lies and I am a TERRIBLE LIAR. Seriously I prefer to do anything other than lying. Lying is like a snowball. Once you lie, you have to cover your lies and so on and so on. (I don’t have spare rooms in my brain for this kind of thing!)

Not enough brain cells to lie.

The biggest lie in my life is probably when I live together with Bandi. We have to cover the situation to some people and it was THE WORST! I hated it so much so in some point, I decided to just tell my parents that I lived together with Bandi. There, out of the chest.

For you, male population, who read this, you’re probably wondering how stupid I am, that I am so delusional and I might not know that my husband actually doesn’t do the same thing, which he is NOT telling me everything.

Well… Truth be told, what I’m saying is purely from my side of coin. Yes, I won’t know the fact if Bandi did the same thing to me. But dear… if you don’t trust your spouse, you might as well call a lawyer now and get divorced. Marriage won’t work without trust. This one, I’m 100% sure.

So, I trust him. I trust Bandi is also telling me EVERYTHING.

Bottom line, we tell each other everything. We always thought that healthy relationships have the same thing with us, that the couples tell each other everything, until one day… we found out that it was not the case.

I found out that very moment that the husband lied to the wife about something, even though from my personal opinion, the lie wasn’t even that important! It was a silly lie but he lied anyway and he insisted us not to tell his wife.

Eh, wait! Blackmail idea!

But then after a long conversation with Bandi, we realize that… There is not such thing as a rule of thumb for a perfect relationship. Everyone can design their own relationship and feel perfect about it.

I was so judgy I didn’t know maybe he was protecting her feelings, maybe he knew it better that his wife was better off with lies.

So, let’s go back to the question that made you guys click this blog at the first place. So…

SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR SPOUSE EVERYTHING?

The answer is Yes and No.

It goes back to the purpose of your marriage. This is something that you should discuss with your spouse before you actually got married. So let me put on Dr. Phil mask and do some analytic.

Yes, if you…

  • Are the type of person that value honesty and openness.
  • Are better hurt knowing the truth than not knowing at all.
  • Think it’s about the journey, not the destination.
  • Are a risk taker.

No, if you…

  • Are a goal oriented person.
  • Think ignorance is a bliss.
  • Are practical.
  • Are the type of person that value pride and privacy.
  • Are easily insecure.

So, at the end of the day, it goes back to what type of person you are and what kind of relationship you want. Both are perfectly fine. I have only one thing to underline here… if you have doubts with your spouse, ASK. Never assume. Assuming is the most stupid thing you do in marriage.

When you ask, always believe what your spouse tell you. That’s just how it works.

If you don’t trust your spouse, again, please seek professional help. Something is very wrong.

I hope this post clears any doubts because Valentine’s day is coming!!! I love Valentine’s day! It’s a one-day pass to be mushy mushy in social media! :D

>> What’s your Valentine’s day plan?! Let me know! I love sweet stories!<<

Cheers,

May, assisting Dr. Phil. :p

Preparing to be Mr and Mrs Cahaya

Ten months to our wedding day… Beside picking the perfect flowers, the perfect gown and the perfect entrée, there is one thing I consider to be the most important thing for preparing myself to be Mrs. Cahaya, that is: having the talk.

The talk, when we discuss about how our finances would be planned, how we’re gonna raise our kids, how important sexual relationship would take part, where are we gonna be retired, who is gonna take care of our parents, and so on and so on.

I read this blog about a week ago and I have waited for a perfect time to ask Bandi to do the 100 questions. He had been busy with work lately so I asked him to spend the whole Saturday with me. He thought that we would only talk about the London itinerary which was half true but I had an ulterior motive too.

Actually I told him about the book on Saturday morning and that I had the extracted 100 questions that I wanted to discuss with him, but he went suddenly defensive and said something like “Why are you still questioning me? I thought we’re passed that.”

I told him not to judge before he even read the questions. This book was supposed to help us to prepare for marriage. He insisted that he was ready and he didn’t need any shrink to tell him about marriage. I kept arguing with him that I believe in human brain and logic for preparing the marriage. I know heart is number one to follow when you wanted to marry someone, whether you love him or not, but brain is what keeps you IN THE MARRIAGE.

In the end, I decided to not argue more and just dropped it.

We went to Starbucks for another brainstorming session of our Europe Trip. After we finished our UK itinerary, he apologized for being such an ass earlier, I said I’m not in the mood anymore for discussing the book’s question, but then Bandi bought us a Les Miserablés tickets for our London trip so yeah, I was suddenly in the good mood. LOL.

We moved to a restaurant and ate and started the first question. It was quite fun, and then we continued to the next question and the next question and the next question and Bandi admitted it, this is fun.

Here’s the 100 questions from the book, if you want to download it and do it with your fiance/fiancée.

Now, let me sum up the best long talk I had with Bandi last weekend. (We actually paused the questions because there wasn’t enough time on Saturday and we continued on Sunday) We spent about total of 10 hours discussing the questions, moved from Dim Sum Restaurant to Ramen place to Fruit Tart. So yeah, it was one sweet (and fattening) weekend.

First of all, it hit me that there were things that I didn’t expect Bandi would say and it calmed me down that there were things that Bandi knew about me so well that he could speak my words. It was like a fun rollercoaster ride.

We argued a lot in a part of how we are gonna be raising our kid(s). He kept saying like “If he skipped school..” or “I will ask him to…” and then I snapped, “Why do you keep using male pronouns?”

“Because I want a son!”

“That is so not fair! So if we had a daughter, you would so gonna resent her?”

“Of course I won’t….” silence, “BUT, I would love a son.”

“SEE? You want a son because you want to play football with him. You thought girls can’t play football!” And then there was a never-ending argument about a child that wasn’t even born yet.

And there was this question:

“Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?”

We both said “No.” And I love that. =)

Bandi and I never had any issue for going out with opposite sex. I have a lot of guy friends and he has a lot of female friends and we love how we are totally comfortable with each other’s friends.

And there was this question:

“How are we different? Could this be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?”

We took so long to discuss this one because sometimes our differences are the source of conflict while the other times, they complement each other. So this is tricky, however I suggest not to stop the discussion and jump to the next question if we were not fully satisfied with the outcome. In terms of characters, we complement each other. When we travel, Bandi is good with maps, I’m not. Bandi can’t plan, I can. Bandi is messy, I am organized. Bandi is physically strong, I am not really. I always think that we are perfect as travel buddy. When we cook, Bandi is usually the executor, he was the one who cooked while I prepped. When he finished with knife, I would at once washed it. It’s just automatic in everything we do like we’re in a team.

However we are different in our logic. There were so many times when our logical differences caused a big argument and often a fight. Come to think of it now, I can’t even name one… I have this tendency to forget what we were fighting about. So I guess, no matter how different we are, we would always find ways to compromise and meet in the middle.

And there were more questions:

“Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?”

Before I answered it, Bandi spoke for me, “you would prefer city. You’re a city girl.” and then he grinned. He’s right. “So we settle for that now.”

“If we are unable to have children, should we adopt?”

Both answered without hesitation, “YES.”

“How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?”

We actually talked about this before and we both tried to accept it for the sake of our kid.

“What are your views on pornography?”

Bandi answered easily, “I love it.” LOL.

I was okay with that anyway.

There were a lot of questions related to how our parents treated each other. Sadly in this part, we both didn’t have a lot of things to learn from but it was nice for us to figure it out ourselves. Like how are we gonna ground our children, what justifies our kid to be grounded and how much freedom we would give our children, etc. It’s good to know that Bandi and I are prepared for this, even though we don’t have that much references.

We talked a lot in this area, especially when this question came: “How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? what will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?”

We disapproved most of the method that both our families used to resolve the conflict and we were thinking what was the better way to do it and discussed the sample case.

And then there was this question:

“Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?”

Bandi said “No.” And I answered, “The concept that I must live together with only one person for the rest of my life.”

He asked again, “That frightens you? And don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“Here’s the thing. I also always feel that I can never get enough of you. I always want to be close to you. Never once in my life I want to be somewhere else but to be here with you. So the concept of living together with ONLY WITH you for the rest of my life really excites me. That’s a paradox, right?”

This morning, a close friend texted me, “Now that you’re getting married, are you ready?”

I answered, “100% ready. Can’t wait to be Mrs. Cahaya.” And then we talked about how this is so funny. Two years ago, with the same guy, the same condition, I said I’m not ready. Then why am I ready now?

Then the paradox concept becomes clearer. Let’s say there is an apple, half rotten, half juicy, sweet and ripe. Two years ago, I saw the apple from the north side, where I could only see the rotten part, and then I was moving slowly towards the south side so I was leaving the rotten part and started to see the juicy part. Now, I’m fully standing in the south and looking at the juice, sweet apple. The apple never changes a bit. The apple is a marriage.

There are always bad and good things about marriage. Two years ago, I preferred to only see the bad side, thus the concept of living with only one person frightens me. Now, I prefer to see the good side, so I think not only the concept is frightening, it is also exciting.

The concept of marriage itself never changes. I change my point of view.

The apple itself never moved. I moved my position.

Enough with that, let’s move to the other question, this one’s a funny one:

“What is nagging? Do I nag? How does it make you feel?”

I answered first, “Nope, you almost never nag.” And then Bandi showed his smug face “You nag almost all the time. Here’s an example. Bandi I’m hungry, come home fast.

“Then just tell me you couldn’t come home fast.”

“Then you would say… It’s okay then, I would just starve… with your dramatic voice,”

And after I laughed so hard, I told him, “Seriously, next time you could just say no and go hang out with your friends.”

“I don’t want to do that because I promised long time ago that you’re my top priority.”

Awwwwwwww!!!!

And then, here’s the last part of the summary:

“What health problems do you have?”

Bandi asnwered, “I have a heart problem.”

And I was shocked.

“My heart is full of you, that’s the problem.”

HAHAHAHAHA! Nice move, Bandi! But you’re still paying the Ramen! XD

After we finished the 100 questions, now Bandi wants it more so I placed an order for the book in bookdepository.

I can’t wait for the book to arrive!!! I will post again when the book arrives, okay?!

For all the bride and groom to be, I may not be able to share tips for choosing wedding venue or wedding favors and stuff but I hope this question would do you good. This is one of the best preparation for your marriage. Don’t skip this part. Enjoy that deep conversation with the love of your life! ;)

Cheers,

May, the happy fiancée.

Be a woman who…

This is a post about a dating/relationship tips coming personally from me. For those who know me well enough, would know that this post is not trustworthy. LOL.

People tend to talk to me about love because I’m romantic (at least I think I am) and the fact that I survived a long term relationship. (They just didn’t know that all the credits go to Bandi. LOL) Take note that this is about relationship in general, not about romance. Romance and relationship are not always related. However, I have learned that woman expects too much from guys that she doesn’t even know that she’s the problem.

Don’t demand to have a perfect man of your version (whether he’s rich, handsome, Korean, or smart) when you are obviously not pursuing yourself to be a better woman.

Don’t just demand, demand and demand! Relationship is not only about you. It takes two to tango. And first of all, don’t be a bitch of everything. Don’t just expect to take, try to also give.

Be a woman who is/does…

Independent

Not only financially independent, but also socially independent. Don’t use excuses such as “I can’t go there by myself” or “there’s no one who accompany me.” Whether you are single or having a boyfriend/husband, DO NOT depend on your spouse for little things. Yes, you may depend on him when there is a fire or when you need comfort in the funeral, but don’t depend on him to find you a job, to pick you up from shopping or worse, depend on him FINANCIALLY. Wtf, woman, get a grip!

Laugh a lot

Men like a lady who covers her mouth when she laughs? Louis VI probably does but he’s a chauvinist dumb anyway.
True lady laughs when she hears something funny, I mean like literally laughing. And it is a bonus if you have a good sense of humour. After all, we, women like a man who makes us laugh, don’t you think man wants the same?

Have the power

I don’t mean for every woman to be alpha female. I don’t think it’s necessary to be an alpha female unless you’re a single mom raising 4 kids but woman cannot be powerless. If you are powerless, Ibu Kartini will seriously cry.
Have the power to say no to a guy, for everything he asks if you’re uncomfortable with, say no. Have the power to, in return, say what you want. Don’t just say no and then full stop. Say no and then say what you want. Men can’t read your minds.

Confident

You owe this to yourself. DON’T EVER CHANGE the way you perceive things just because people say so (or that particular guy hoped to.) Be confident not only in the way you dress, the way you do your hair, but also most importantly in the way you think. For whatever weird/silly/different the way you think or dress is, you will still look awesome when you are confident about it. Don’t ever change.

No matter how bad your past is, how horrible people say about you, don’t bother. (But don’t be so delusional too lah. :p) You need a true friend to tell the thin line sometimes.

But always remember this:

Say what you mean and mean what you say, for those who mind don’t matter and who matter don’t mind.

Honest and kind

There is nothing ever goes wrong with being honest. For all my life, only one thing that stays constantly with myself, that is being honest. You may encounter problems for being honest, but it will always be right.
Being kind is hard, but it also will be always right.

Able to do guy’s work.

“I can’t change the light bulb because my dad used to do it for me all the time.” Well, sweetie, you won’t live with your dad for the rest of your life. “Then my husband will do it.” Well, that’s true. But your husband might do other women too because you’re such a spoiled brat.

Doing guy’s work doesn’t change you to be a butch, it just shows that you are independent. It is true that man loves to feel needed (it’s their nature to be a prince/superhero) but prince will be tired too if the princess is asked to be saved again and again and again. Sometimes you must show him that you are capable to take care even guy’s work. It’s matter of fact a turn on for guys.

Full of Surprises

Don’t be a woman who flashes out all your positive values in the beginning of dating/relationship. Keep some for the guy to find it himself later. “Wow! You can paint?” or “Wow! You can play skateboard?” will give you another boost of confidence. His surprised face is a nice bonus.

Pays her own things

DON’T LET A GUY PAY FOR YOUR BAGS, or clothes or watches or any goods in the beginning of the relationship or dating. Remember this: in the first date, let him pay for everything. It is A MUST. (I’m a feminist! I won’t let him pay. STFU, I’m a feminist and I still think guy must pay the first date.) Bandi didn’t even let me pay for my angkot fees in our first date.

You may offer to pay politely but when he refuses, drop it off. He’s being a gentleman. If you like him, you may say “Next time is on me.” (This shows him that you want another date). So basically in first date, guys will pay for your meal, your entertainment fee (like movie tickets, fair tickets, skating fees and stuffs) and your transport (if both of you take public transport) or he will need to drive you home (if only him driving a car) or he will walk with you to the carpark and watch you go (if you’re driving). If he does less than that, it is okay to reconsider second date or have a girly talk with your girlfriends to decide the verdict.

But do remember this: DON’T BUY ANYTHING in the first date. First, because it is about getting to know each other and second, you shouldn’t let him pay for your things. If you let him, he will get the idea that he can buy your happiness. And trust me, you don’t want guys who think that making girls happy equals to showering her with gifts.

In a long term relationship, don’t let him pay for your phone bills and/or other personal bills, and for me, I don’t let Bandi pay for my things when I go shopping (but this is individual preference, however it’s up to you.) He may give you birthday/valentine/anniversary or no occasion present no matter how expensive but don’t let him pay for your shopping expense that you initiated.

Have friends

I always tell my guy friends this “Don’t ever date a girl who doesn’t have best friends.” Why? Because once she become your girlfriend, you will be needy, whiny, clingy, you name it. She will need you to be with her 24/7 and suddenly you will be sucked into her depression.
Be a woman that has a good friendship with girls. If you don’t like friending girls because of their dramas and complications, then at least have a lesbian friend. But trust me, Girlfriends are great. =) It’s worth all the drama and sweats and tears. Haha

Stand up for herself

Don’t cry just because of small fights like he does things you don’t like. Woman up and tell him you don’t like that. If any other people tried to bully you, don’t go to your boyfriend and be a wimp, stand up for yourself! Unless Chuck Norris is the one who bullied you, then call your boyfriend lah.

Prefer to be single than in an unhappy relationship

Well, I don’t understand what’s so hard to be single, why people is so afraid to be single they chose to be in an unhappy relationship. Maybe it’s not relevant since the last time I was single is when I still had number one in the first digit of my age. Oh wait, I was technically single in my two years of LDR. And all I did (beside being a bitch to my Long Distance Boyfriend) was being a gym freak, had too much sleepover with girlfriends and went to awesome concerts. So yeah, your life is not over just because you’re single. Get over it.

If were born as a man would love to date herself

Let me ask you something, if you were born as a man, would you fall in love with yourself? If you do, then you are a narcissistic bitch. LOL. No lah, it means you are confident and you love yourself and that’s good. =)

Smart

Doesn’t need to be book smart, but street smart. But it won’t hurt to read more books and broaden your knowledge once in a while. You don’t need to act smart though, if you don’t know something, admit it, it would probably lead to an interesting topic and conversation. And the bonus is, you get to know something.
And this is important: Don’t be delusional. If a man cheats on you, don’t make an excuse “But he still loves me.” If you still insist, then close my blog please.

Be herself

This is the most important, number one, super cool trait of a woman… to be herself.
Either you are a psychotic bitch, a tomboy with daddy issue, or a creative slacker. Nobody’s perfect but as long as you love yourself, proud to be yourself and bring the best out of yourself, then nobody can resist that charm.

So yeah, at the end of the day, just be whoever you want to be and be comfortable with it. Let people fall in love with who you really are. But don’t be a spoiled brat lah. LOL.

This is just what I have been observing for a while… that only smart, independent and confident woman get to live her life to the fullest, either being single or in a relationship. So, be that kind of woman.

Be the happy one.

Happy woman is the most attractive woman.

Don’t you think so, guys?

Cheers,

May, the smart-ass.