If we didn’t grow up…

If I could have one wish, it would be going back to my college times and never grow up.

Keep repeating the times of having fun, skipping classes, eating without getting fat, and dancing all night.

Those are the times when you’re old enough to be in love and yet too young to be responsible.

Ironically the times when you cannot wait to grow up.

You could love as much as you want, and you could lose as painful as you let it.

Those are the nights of hazy drunk calls, sleepovers with girlfriends, and limitless energy to be up all night.

Those are the days of tireless campus events, restless minds of debating your idealism and really did something.

The last chance to invest true friends who doesn’t care what color is your skin and what your parents do.

The last possibility to find a true love, who loves you of what you are, not how much money you have or how big is your boobs.

You were assured that you can do ANYTHING, and you can be ANYTHING you wanted to be.

The times when everyday is perfect.

I wish we didn’t need to grow up…

But we did.

And we made the best out of it, didn’t we? =)

Love, May

The Guy With The Scarf

Here I am staring at the moving clouds through this airplane’s window, moving further away from you, leaving you alone, as lonely as my soul now.

You are as free as your green boots could step, I’m a flightless bird. Try living in a conservative culture with a pressure as a man, which you call it privilege while I perceived as a curse.

I remember you kissed my lips while we were arguing about that. You said our time was too short to be used for arguing.

Arguing the things which used to be very important for us. But not anymore since our future is not ours anymore. Now it’s your future. And my future. In two different sentences.

Your face appears vividly in my mind, every single seconds that I’m alive.

Your voice calling my name keeps repeating itself, convincing that I’m crazy.

I swear I would kill just to kiss you right now.

The memories of undressing you, kissing your neck and touch your skin are killing me slowly.

I love you so much I could kill to have you back. I love you that way. You told me it’s wrong. But if it was wrong, then it was wrong all along.

I know you were lying. It’s just something you had to do. I hate that.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. My life after this is just a social responsibility for my culture and my family. My life was with you, your cheeky smile, your snorty laugh, and your memorable green boots. And my life ended yesterday, at the Orchard Road, by a goodbye kiss and a tear.

I am not a person anymore. I am dead. I am left nothing, but this scent of you on my scarf.

May, Above the Clouds, On the Airplane, January 27th 2012.

That obsessive girl on a green boots need coffee so bad.

Here I am, standing tall in the crowd of the Orchard Road on the Saturday Night feeling lonelier than ever.

I can’t remember when was the last time I walk slowly, when was the last time my hands being held sincerely, when was the last time being sane, and being whole.

I want to dance freely, in the rain, if I could. I wanna feel loved again. I want a cup of ice coffee with just a drop or two of hazelnut syrup and two spoons of milk. That’s a latte. It’d just be easier if I ordered a latte.

I’m heading to the nearest coffee shop now. There are about 7 coffee shops in this one big street but I can’t seem to find it. I’m chasing my comfort and my relaxant from caffeine coz you don’t give them anymore.

I’m broken hearted, more than I have ever been before.

I, myself, broke my heart. Again.

I’ve walked this street for the hundredth times, memories juggling through my mind. You, that scarf of yours that made me warm, myself in your arms and those little sweet pinches on my cheek.

I was a fool of giving my heart away. Of trusting people too much and of a thought that I could actually love someone.

The fact is, I don’t have the capacity to love. I don’t have ability to share my life with someone. or anyone.

Shit! Where is this coffee shop?!

I’ve been going round and checking the directory of this fu**ing building twice but I can’t find it!

I’ve been counting my steps and I hate to stop to check the directory when my step stops at odd numbers. I also hate you.

I also hate the fact that memories of you is more rigid than the picture of you, of us. There are no picture of us.

There’s only this mental picture in my head. keep rolling like a sixty’s movie.

There goes my coffee shop. I can catch my breath now. I can drink my comfort, I can get lost in my fake daydream and I can pretend I’m in love with you again.

 

May, Orchard road, 14th January 2012

 

Your time is now.

Good times is when you read a good book with a good cup of coffee and a good bowl of honey almonds.

Better times is when you play The Sims on holiday without going out of bed and your man cooks for you.

Bad times is when you need to wake up but you’re still sleepy like hell. Worse is when you have the urge to do number two on the long toilet-less road trip.

Happy times is when you achieve things you never thought you could. Happier is when you achieve thing people doubt you would.

Sad times is when your flesh and blood hurt you. sadder is when you cry yourself to sleep, alone.

Lucky is when it is sunny on the day you go to field trip. Luckier is your flight is delayed when you’re accidentally late.

Throw all those times together and that’s life. One time is not worth without the other. One time completes the meaningfulness of the others.

Life is about all those times. The times we might not always cherish, but will always remember. Time will never go backwards, thus all we can do is cherish what we have NOW. Coz your time is now.

 

Have an amazing 2012.

Love, May.

This is how I’m missing you.

As the leaves fell and the wind crackled them,
I smiled to myself remembering you.
How we used to walked hand in hand,
While we tiptoed on the leaves.


I couldn’t remember your face.
But I could smell your scent still lingers on me.
And I could picture your smile and somehow hearing your weird way to laugh.


I don’t miss you.
But I miss your company.
I miss to have a trolley full of chocolates and potato chips on the supermarket.
I miss to be stared unbelievably by the waiter when we ordered four sets of meals for two people.
I miss to do every stupid bets involving yucky gross things on Sunday afternoon.
I miss to just simply watch movie with you or dance with you or ride a bike with you,
Coz somehow those things don’t feel right without you.


I don’t need you.
But I need your spirit to strengthen me.
I needed to share my fear, my tears and my laugh with somebody.
I needed to give my affection and my emotion to somebody.
And in some point, I’d need you to be here with me again.


I eventually forgot your details.
But yet I remembered how it felt.
And how real those all were.
I forgot your hands, but remembered how it perfectly fit mine.
I forgot your lips, but remembered how soft it was when it touched mine.
I remembered how your heart beat when I laid my head against your chest.


So, every time I walked by the falling leaves,
I just needed to imagine you beside me.
Believing that someday, you will actually there.
Because you will always be where I am.

With Love,

May.