The paradox of my life

I never finish my novels before. I had written a loooottt of unfinished novel and had so many stocks of plot. I am a quitter, I know that. That is why I never finish my novel.

Until one moment, 7 years ago, I didn’t know why, I finished my “Paradoks”, a teenlit novel in Bahasa, with a very horrible ending. I sent it to a publisher and got rejected. I was so bumped and kept the script somewhere. I ‘ve showed it to some close friends and they said they loved it but then I thought they were just being nice.

The main character of the novel, Raisa, was actually reflection of me. (I was 19 years old, writing my first novel, of course I must’ve written something self centered.) Although the whole story is totally fiction, I took a little of my character and my personal problem to be Raisa’s.

This novel is cheesy, yet I really love. Because I am really cheesy.

Seven years later, a best friend of mine told me that I can publish my book using the own publisher way, through a website she’s found. I dug up my old harddisk and read “Paradoks” again. I fell in love again with Raisa character and I still love her story. a grown up me, still loving a cheesy love story I’ve written years ago. Only this time, I changed the ending.

Three days ago, it is finally published and can be bought online (here). It’s a self-published though and bought by order but I am so proud of myself, for finishing that 200 over pages novel, written with heart and soul, and 7 years later finally publish it. =)

It’s like having a baby. The feeling is foreign, new and overwhelming.

I couldn’t stop smiling when I held the book. It felt surreal and it was probably the most exciting thing I have ever touched.

This is the “thank yous” part:

Then last night my sister texted me and she said she told my Dad and Mom about this. She said my dad was dancing like a kid hearing about this. I told her coolly, it’s not a big deal. But actually I was freaking happy. I could actually make my Mom and Dad proud of me. That’s a strange feeling. Again, something new in my life.

I am so overwhelmed by everyone’s sincere congratulations and their wishes for me.

I don’t know why I have to wait so long to finally make my writings published. I used to think that I’m afraid of criticism, but then why am I such an active blogger? But maybe, seven years is worth the wait.

I remember my boyfriend asked me one time after he was watching me skype-ing with Renny, my publisher and my cousin, “You are one brave person, aren’t you?”

I asked why he said that. He said, “Have you never felt scared of everything you do? You had a band when you were twelve and you let people laugh on you, you made handmade things for people and you’re not scared they laugh about it? You kept telling people you’re gonna meet Cannavaro and you let people mock you, and shit, you really met him. And now you publish your novel, don’t you scare? Don’t you scare people mock you it’s a bad novel? Why are you so daring to dream?”

That is when I realized, I lived my life with my dreams. I may look so skeptical on the surface, having the sour loveless childhood and mental disorder, don’t believe in marriage or those things, but yeah, I’ve dreamed all my life.

I have always dreamed that I’m gonna have a fairy tale true love, and I’ve found that in Bandi.

I have always dreamed to meet Fabio Cannavaro in person, and fuck yeah, I did. (Who would’ve thought that happened, righttt??)

I have always dreamed to go to Europe, to really visit Ennio Tardini, always dream and always try, I’ll never give up on anything, or on whatever people said.

And I have always dreamed to publish a novel someday. And that someday is today.

So let me tell you, Bandi… I’m never scared because, the worst case was only that all the dreams didn’t happen, that won’t kill me. So yeah, people would mock me, bully me, called me idiots and stuff, but again it won’t kill me. But if it happened, that was the second best feeling in the world (after falling in love with you of course) and I didn’t want to let all the fear of rejections, embarrassment stop me for keeping me away from that awesome feeling. And if you planned to stay with me for the rest of my life, I’m gonna pass this value of life to our children too. (And you need to start to learn being expressive and giving more compliments :D)

The paradox of my life, that beyond all my skeptical realist comment, I am a very dreamy person. I never stop believing.

Life without dreams is so boring that they call it death. So as long as I’m still breathing, I always dream high.

I wouldn’t wanna trade my life with anyone else.

Cheers and drink up!

May