The Glitch

You weren’t suppose to fall in love with me, the pattern has been broken. You should’ve stayed in and have a normal life. I should’ve flown alone.

I don’t understand it logically. It’s love, isn’t it supposed to be illogical?

It’s true what they said that someday we would break, because you and I can’t collide. You had a pattern and you should’ve followed it. I was not in it.

But then… Maybe it’s not me who broke the pattern. You did.

It’s illogical.

Because you’re a glitch.

I was too wild to settle down and you were too domestic for my kind of adventure. I moved away from you, but you broke the pattern and you flew with me.

You didn’t let that pattern define you.

You’re the glitch.

No matter what

This is the happiest moment in my life, right here right now, in your arms, she said. She tightened her grasp on his back and felt warmth in her heart. Nothing would ever feel as good, not even close to what she was feeling then. And then she kissed his lips and everytime it felt like the first time, which happened eleven years ago. She couldn’t understand, every single day of her life, she kept wondering, how could she love someone this much? How was this even possible, to keep loving someone so hard so extreme every single day?

Isn’t something like this crazy won’t last long? Isn’t it too good to be true? She thought to herself. The ecstasy of being in his arms wiped away those questions. We will stay like this forever, her illogical side told her.

She tilted her head to see his eyes, closed. He smiled cheekily and rubbed his stubble beard on her forehead, something that she always complained about. She touched the stubble and asked him to shave the next morning and she said, I’m very proud of you, randomly.

He was her star, her inspirations.

***

This is awful, why do I have to feel this sadness, she said. She tightened her grasp on his back and felt warmth in her heart. You have one bad day down, he said and then kissed her forehead. She looked up, his face was blurry covered by her own tears. He slurped her tears and she chuckled, it was something that he did to cheer her up whenever she cried. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was, to have someone who would always fight alongside her. No matter what happens, no matter how hurtful people could be to her, she would always have him, as her sidekick.

He took a glass of water and asked her to drink up, replenished the energy, re-hydrate the frustration. Yeah it was sad what happened to her, but sad won’t last forever, just like joy, anger and other hundreds of adjectives in the dictionary. But I bet this will last forever, she thought to herself. Right here right now, the moment when she was feeling grateful to have someone to share burden with, to vent frustration to, to just be with.

She loves him whenever she’s happy, she loves him whenever she’s sad. She loves him no matter what.

From now til the end of time.IMG_7852.JPG

“The rest of our life”

It was a warm evening on the bus ride from a local Supermarket to our hdb flat when Bandi suddenly said, slowly and dreamily, “Do you realize it? We’re finally living the rest of our life…”

You probably don’t get it. At first I didn’t get it either. What did he mean by that?

“You see, I’ve been saying I wanted to marry you for so long, I’ve been striving to the day I could finally marry you and I’ve been wishing to spend the rest of my life with you… And now it’s happening… You’re already my wife. And we…”

“We are already spending our lives together. We’re already there.” He lifted up the grocery bag on his hand, smiling happily.

Was that contentment I saw in his eyes? I hope so.

Yes, it’s true that we’ve only been married for 3 months but we’ve lived together for the past 3 years. But somehow… I know that he needs security. He needs to title husband to feel content, to know that he is living the rest of his life now.

The phrase “The rest of my life” sounds very long, forever even. It is until the day you die. When we said “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, we didn’t really realize that the “rest of the life” could actually come.

Now.

The rest of the life is now.

Now is already part of the rest of the life.

The rest of our life has already started.

It contains of sharing dreams, cooking meals, cleaning the house, traveling on new adventures, visiting family, working for personal growth, and a lot of grocery shoppings.

It didn’t start merely on the day we said “I do.” It wasn’t like in a movie where there’s a grand orchestra as the background on the first day of the rest of our life.

It was on a bus ride, with sweats on our shirts and grocery bags on our hand… when we finally realized “We are living the rest of our life.”

And he finished it with a happy smirk on his face while saying, “Oh my god, you are finally my wife.”

MayBand 002-RCheers,

May, the wife.

 

Two weddings and one funeral

I don’t remember having a normal night when I don’t have any plans for the next day. My life has been in a fast lane this past one month.
I don’t remember waking up late because I have been putting all my energy for the most important day in my life: wedding days. In my case I have two wedding days. So please double all the rempongness and the energy consuming.
7 June was the best day ever in my life and then followed by the hangover and the prep for the next wedding (exactly one week after that)
Then, 14 june was a blast for both of our family. They called it as the happiest wedding of their lives. Well, Bandi and I were under influence of course and we went along with it. It was a typical Chinese wedding with so many people we didn’t know, but well, as long as both parents were happy, we were happy too. The next day after the second wedding, I woke up at 5 am in the morning to watch Azzuri’s first match against England and we won!!! I thought to my self, could my life be anymore awesome?! Yes it could!!! Because we were flying to Maldives in 2 hours!!! Woot woot!!!
Bandi had prepared our honeymoon: one week in Maldives.
Our route was: Palembang – Batam -Singapore – KL – Male – Maldives (Medufushi Resort)
It was still a long way and we were so tired, but we sucked it up because we knew we would have one week to just lazying around in our private water villa. I already packed sunglasses, sunblock, novels, and new bikinis. I was sooooo thrilled that we could finally spend some alone time together and oh how I planned to f**k hard. Lol. (FYI I was on my period on my wedding day 7th june and all along we always spent the night with either friends or family, so yeah we never had sexy time)
When we landed in Batam at 10am in the morning, Bandi called home because he had a bad feeling. And he was right…. His grandpa just passed away. 12 hours after the wedding.
I’m a bad person because the first thing crosses my mind was… I was upset because obviously the honeymoon was cancelled.
Bandi told the cab driver to return back to Batam airport after we dropped Angel (my bridesmaid) to the ferry harbor. We bought a ticket back to Palembang later that night.
He told me that he was sorry that we had to cancel our honeymoon and that he knew I was physically super tired and obviously needed rest and we both know how tiring Chinese funeral could be, but he said we had to do the right thing. Life is only once, and if we do it right, once is enough.
It took me only a couple of minutes to remember why I married him in the first place. I married him because he’s kind and wonderful and I realize I just wanna be with him, whether it’s in maldives or in a funeral home. I married him because he puts people he loves first before himself, and I love him for that.
So we flew back to Palembang that night and we went straight to the hospital. He broke down and cried. I just held his hand and I thought to myself, from this day forward I would dedicate my life just to make sure he’s fine and he would never face anything alone anymore.
Suddenly losing Maldives didn’t feel so hurtful anymore. Because I would never lose this amazing man beside me, who would sacrifice anything and do anything for his family.
Maldives will always be there. But we can never turn back the time to the day we say our last goodbye to the people we love. To the day he say goodbye to his grandpa, a man who technically a father figure in his life since Bandi’s dad passed away.
Life is short and it is funny and ironic sometimes.
We just danced happily on our wedding, and we received so many flower arrangements saying “congratulation on your wedding” and now just 24 hours later we cried and received another flower arrangements saying “deep condolences”
Ain’t life funny?
We could laugh sarcastically, but why should we be bitter, when we could just laugh along with it?
Yesterday afternoon his grandpa was finally buried and he said his last goodbye. It was very emotional for him and all I could do just be there… Just to hold his hand.
Tonight we will fly back to Singapore to take Bandi’s brother to hospital because he’s sick.
I hope everything will be fine eventually. So we made a vow to always be with each other for good times and bad times, and the bad times stroke first, so what?
As long as we’re together, nothing seem so bad anyway. :)

Death ends life, not relationship – Mitch Albom

Kisses,
May, Palembang 19 June 2014.

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Are you with your mediocre love?

This morning, I saw a quote on my path, saying:

Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life; Love shouldn’t be one of them.

I’ve been looking for the right way to express “settling down for less” and this morning, I finally found it. From now on, I will call it mediocre love.

What is a mediocre love?

Well, I don’t know how to express this, because I have never had any mediocre love. I’m one of those persons who loves hard, even to my friends and family.

But I tell you what’s not mediocre. It’s that feeling of loving someone so deep, you could actually feel your heart crunch a little bit when you think about them. When you think about how happy they make you, you will feel something warming up in your belly, when you worry about them, maybe they’re sick or something bad happened to them, you will feel your heart aches. I don’t talk figuratively, I meant literally. Because when one of my loved ones were sick, I could worry til my heart really hurt.

When you first met a guy you liked, you would have what we call “butterflies in your stomach”. This was really exciting. It meant you liked him, there were chemistry between you two. When you talked to him, the butterflies just couldn’t wait to fly, your stomach felt funny; fun funny.

When you got together, you guys were passionate, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You wanted to heat his heartbeat, you wanted to feel his skin, you wanted to bite his nose. You just couldn’t have enough of him. He was addictive!!!

When you had your first unsettlement, you fought, you got bored with him, anything about him looked dull and annoying. But… you just couldn’t be without him, with no logical reason explainable.

When you knew him even deeper and you knew his family and his friends and even you didn’t like some of them, you decided to stay. You found out his weird bad habit, you found out his sad past, yest you stayed.

When you couldn’t wait to see him, just to get cozy with him, wrapped your body on his arms and just talked all night. For you the best place on earth is anywhere as long as you’re in his arms. And suddenly all of the love songs you’ve heard made sense. :)

When you were busy at work and then you stopped for a while for coffee and then you caught yourself smiling thinking about him and how he was cute on his spongebob boxer dancing to a Barry White song last night.

When you received a very exciting news and you cannot wait to tell him.

When you realized that he’s your best friend in the whole world and you could count on him and he would do anything for you.

:)

Those whens don’t always have to come in that order, but those whens are necessary for a love story. Medicore loves don’t have those things.

Why mediocre love?

Medicore loves happen when two persons have goal to get married, so they just find some candidates and whoops, this candidate looks okay, and my parents agree, oh well… let’s get married and have babies and repopulate the earth! Yaiy!

I would prefer live my life alone and happy than settling down with mediocre love. NO HELL WAY. My mom and my dad are two amazing people, but they are mediocre love to each other and for everyday in my life, I regret that they got married.

I know society sucks, they push you and you delude yourself into a made-up romanticism that you created in your head and then you settle down for less… much less… For mediocre love.

Don’t.

For this one person, you might be his mediocre love, but for somebody out there, that one particular person, YOU ARE HIS WORLD.

Why shouldn’t we have mediocre love? (It’s easier, huh?)

Life is only once.

You could have a mediocre house, drive a mediocre car, work in a mediocre company, watch a mediocre movie, eat a mediocre hamburgers, but.. you should not settle down with a mediocre love. NO. A gazzilion million times NO.

Love is sweet, it’s comforting, it’s liberating, it’s everything that a cotton candy should have. :)

Cheers,

May, the romantic one.

 

#30daysblogging Epiphany

Day 19

Post is an idea from Erry.

From someone as ngocol as Erry, it was kinda surprising when she gave me a serious topic to post about. She told me that she had a turning point in her life when her Mom passed away and not long after that she conceived Fathir. I don’t know if her turning point changed her life so much, and I don’t know if it was also called Epiphany, but I guess I will talk about my Epiphany now.

I don’t know what is turning point… so maybe I haven’t had any. I know something about Epiphany. Based on dictionary, Epiphany means a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization. So it’s like an eye opener, a moment that makes you realize something that has been clouded all of this time.

This happens last year on February. Bandi missed a flight back home to Singapore, so I had to flight home alone. I’ve already written the story here, so I will not repeat again, but I will tell you why this Epiphany changed my life.

Before that day, I was this girl who never wanted marriage. I did turn down Bandi’s first proposal attempt to marry me and I was so close to let him go (not because I didn’t love him, but because I wanted to set him free.)

I tried so hard to open my heart and love fearlessly, but somehow I just couldn’t. Bandi was frustrated with me. He felt that he already tried everything to assure me that his love is true and that we were made for each other but somehow… somehow… I just couldn’t open my heart. I could say that… I loved Bandi with insurance. I did love him, I wanted a privilege to be his girlfriend, but I still wanted a ticket to go out from the relationship whenever I wanted. I needed an insurance. So whenever I felt like leaving him, I could.

(I know I know, what a bitch, right?)

You guys would probably think I’m a bad person. I could accept that. I was.

But that night, I changed.

I had the epiphany. I was so close to let him go and with all the missing-the-flight things and all the signs from the universe (FYI I believe in signs) I really really thought that I had to let him go.

And then there he was… knocking the door at midnight. He came home. And he brought back all of his legal documents that I’d left at the airport and he also brought my luggage that was left at Soe-tha airport. He was like trying to assure me that he was a superhero. Everything he did was like saying there you go, universe. I made it. Nothing can make me stop coming home to her. Nothing.

It seems silly, I know. But it’s something that’s hard to explain. It’s something that’s really really personal actually and here I am sharing with you.

That moment might not instantly make me want to marry Bandi, but it was the moment I started to think about what I really want in my life.

And him was the only one appeared everything I thought about it. It was kinda scary because I have never put anyone in my life as my priority before and suddenly I realized I have invested so much feeling on somebody it was overwhelming and scary and new for me. And deciding to carry on was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life.

Dreams changed and he was my new dream. And I didn’t mind.

Cheers,

May, feeling content.

My fiance is not THE prince charming

No, he’s not the prince charming who rides a white horse and brings me to his kingdom. No, he’s not driving Ferrari and pick me up anywhere when I call him. No, he’s not cleaning my debt, or buying me handbags I can’t afford. He’s not anybody from the hollywood love stories nor fairy tales books.

My fiance is just a regular nice guy who loves watching football while drinking beer and eating pizza. He’s just a hardworking auditor who’s very dedicated to his job. He’s just a normal guy who’s happened to be adventurous, kind and loving.

He didn’t save my life. Where or whom he was saving me from?

He didn’t make me happy. I was already happy.

He didn’t change my life. What should it be changed?

So when I was being asked, “How do you feel? In a week your life is about to change!”

I felt that I had to write this…

Oh… I hope it won’t change. Oh god, I hope marriage doesn’t change my life.

Because I’ve already loved my life. I love it that I’ve been sharing the last 8 years with him and it’s been nothing but great. So I don’t want my life to change. Sure we hit rock bottom now and then but we hit it together. The point of living this life is not avoiding the pain, but having someone to share the pain with.

My life is not painless, but it’s just perfect… now, It was perfect eight years ago, and it will always be perfect til we say goodbye on our death bed… (and being reunited in our next life).

He’s not a prince charming, to me he is perfect.

He’s not driving Ferrari, to me he is perfect.

He’s not cleaning my debt, to me he is perfect.

He’s not anybody from the fairy tales, to me he is just perfect.

I hope nothing will ever change because to me, “us” is just perfect.

~~~

Love always,

May, who will be walking down the aisle in a week.

~~~

Dear you, it was a great talk yesterday and yes things are not the way it used to be, but it doesn’t mean our feelings changed. I love you even more each day. I know you know that.

Loved. Blessed. Inspired.

Before Bandi proposed to me, he had already told me that he wanted a church wedding, so when I said “yes”, I knew what I said yes too. I knew I had to go through all the catholic administration hassles because well… I’m a non-catholic.

When Bandi and I met the priest for the first time asking for a marriage, he told us to pick either a marriage preparation course or a weekend retreat for couples. And oh I’m so glad Bandi picked the second one.

This Catholic Engaged Encounter was supposed to be just “a thing we had to do in order to get married” but then it turned out to be so meaningful that it was probably one of our turning point as a couple. :)

I can’t blabber the details of the EE (engaged encounter) because they advised us not to blog about it for personal stories they’ve shared and also it is better for anyone to come there clueless and open minded.

The environment is non-threatening and safe for the non-catholic partners. I met a lot of interfaith couple and it was soooo comforting to know there are a lot of couples out there who are struggling like us. The best thing was… The priest and the mentoring couples assured us that inter-faith marriage is just as lovely as same-faith marriage and that we should see the inter-faith marriage as a blessing instead of hindrance. That’s so heart-warming. (In your face, people who said inter-faith marriage won’t work!)

Bandi and I were free from handphones and we focused completely on each other. We were communicating so intensely and intimately. We poured our hearts out in writings. It’s so amazing how Bandi could be so different to tell his feeling when he was writing instead of talking.

I can’t say a lot about the details but I really recommend every catholic/inter-faith with one catholic couple to attend this retreat before they get married. Bandi and I love this retreat and we’re glad we did it. =)

If anyone googled about CEE and directed to this post, listen…

Come with open mind and positive attitude and you will benefit so much from this retreat. =)

One or two things to share with everyone (and also a reminder for me in the future)…

  1. When you feel something’s wrong, always ALWAYS communicate with your partner. Don’t assume. Talk.
  2. To love is a decision. It is a verb. You have made a decision to love. =)
  3. Say “forgive me” when you know you’re wrong and mean it. Lower your ego.
  4. If you can’t solve a problem talking, try writing to each other. It’ll work.
  5. Be the person who always sees good in others.

And this is from a girl who didn’t believe in marriage. How ironic is that? But I’m so glad I erased my doubt because I believe marriage could be wonderful. :)

Cheers,

May, leaving the cynicism. 

 

Is everybody capable of falling in love?

I was sitting in the MRT train, on my way home from work. I was tired and it bugged me that I still had to do some house chores when I reached home. I sighed and then I received a text from someone and it instantly put back a smile on my face. I giggled because he gave me a reason to.

I looked up and there was somebody who stared at me, unhappily. If you don’t know this, in Singapore, people like to stare at other people who laugh, giggle or joke with their friends. I always remind myself not to care because we can’t always understand what other people have gone through on their life that they decided to become unhappy.

I get it. This world consists of so many types of people. Happy people, unhappy people, sad people, cheerful people, grumpy people, strong people, weak people, optimists, pessimists, realists, idealists…

But I was wondering… “Is everybody capable of falling in love?”

If love is a universal language, is everybody in this world capable to speak love?

If love is the most powerful thing in the Disney world, does everybody have the chance to acquire it?

I’ve known some people who have never fallen in love in their entire life. Is it because they didn’t find the one, or is it because they are not capable to love?

I didn’t mean “not capable to love” as a bad thing. It’s not because they have bad characters or attitudes because trust me, I’ve known a loooot of bad people who fell in love. By “not capable to love” I meant they don’t open their heart.

Imagine this scenario:

A man, let’s call him “A” has an introvert character. He didn’t like to go out and socialize. He lived his life studying and then graduated and then worked and then in some point his parents found a woman for him to marry and he married that woman. He had kids and then he grew old and he died. But he probably never fell in love, not because he was a bad person or anything. He just didn’t have the chance to fall in love.

Let’s change the scenario to this one:

After graduate, A worked in a office and his colleague was a sweet girl who had the same hobby with A. They talked all the time and they decided to hang out after work and since forever, A finally felt comfortable to talk with someone. He shared so many things with this woman and he fell in love. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. And they shared their lives.

See the point? Your life can be changed with just one moment.

But my question is… is everybody capable of falling in love?

What if A found this woman attractive but in the end he didn’t fall in love because he thought it would be easier just to marry the woman his parents chose? Because he thought falling in love was messy and full of trouble, so he chose not to. How if he resisted to love and spent the rest of his life not to ever love again?

He is NOT unhappy. He might be happy. But he also could be happier. Or is he?

I don’t know. I will never know.

But I really really wish that everyone in this world has the same chance to fall in love. It’s up to them to choose love or not to choose love, but at least I wish everyone has fair chance.

Because to fall in love is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Because to fall in love is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

And I wish wish wish wish wish everybody has fair chance.

Cheers,

May, the hopeless romantic.

When this blog returns to its blabbering habit

Hey cherry pies! Happy new year!

Photo 1-1-14 7 51 02 pm

Today I woke up in the morning thinking to write one honest post in my blog. I guess it’s been a while since I blabber about my crappy awesome life, that’s weird because I love talking about my life! Lol

I think I’ve been so busy with post-europe stuffs, wedding prep, xmas and new year (both real new year and chinese new year) oh well, I’ve just been busy with life actually. I didn’t really have spare time to write anymore. I read some blog posts from my favorite blogger on my phone inside the mrt train and didn’t leave comments because writing comments in mobile phone sucks.

I hope after all the year-end fiesta ends, I could live my slacking life again. I kinda love it being a lazy ass. I did write some stuffs inside my drafts but I didn’t know why I didn’t publish it. I guess I want to have a clean posts in 2013 that don’t suck. 2013 was actually a good year for my blogging life. :)

But from today, I guess I will revert back this blog to be full of craps again. Lol. Just kidding, I will try to write some unedited honest post some time.

How’s your countdown and your first morning in 2014? Mine started exactly the same like last year… Cleaning up the house full of spilled alcohol, confetti and crashed m&m’s, not to forget to brush off toilet full of pukes. Eww… what a glamorous way to start a new year, right?

Talking about new year, people like to tell about their new year’s resolution. I think I’m one of those people who is goal-oriented so my resolutions were usually well done in the past years. My 2013 resolutions were to sit up everyday and I’ve done it until I went to Europe, so I’d been doing sit ups everyday for 10 months.

What about this year’s resolution? Well, I decided not to make one. I will stick to that “sit up everyday” thing but I won’t call it a resolution because I want to make it my permanent lifestyle. I really want to have a great abs again. And to complete that… I think I have to stop drinking. I hate the feeling of waking up remembering blurry night and having spinning morning. Ok, that’s crap. I won’t totally stop drinking, but I will drink less. I promise I won’t drink during weekdays anymore because it was so tiring to wake up early and work the next day. I also promise not to do any excessive drinking at least until my wedding, or my bachelorette party (if that’s happening-ahem, hint to the bridesmaids!) But well, promise is a big word….. Hmm… Ok now I’m being indecisive. But I do really want to drink less! Ok but maybe not a promise. :p

Anyway, I don’t want to leave an impression as if I’m a loser drunkrad. I’m not, ok? It’s just that last year I had a lot of drinks maybe because I was stressed out and tense. Hmm… That’s a lie, I wasn’t stressed out! I just like to drink! Lololol.

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I should start being serious, shouldn’t I?

Ok, enough talking nonsense, let’s talk about what has been going on in my life lately…

Well life’s been good. I made peace with my brother and that fact put a smile on my face everytime I remember it. I’ve been missing my friends so much but now that Strawberry is visiting, it cheers me up. :) I don’t have any travel plan for 2014, I guess Bandi and I are focusing the funds for the wedding. Oh boy wedding is costly! But again, that depends on who spends it. Some people spent 10 times more and they would probably think it was a cheap wedding. Well for me, I would want to spend my wedding funds for another Europe trip, but Bandi always reminded me that the money will be well spent because he promised that it’s going to be the night when we celebrate love. And that sounds pretty awesome.

I try not to write my wedding prep in my blog because the wedding is very very small and I don’t invite a lot of people (bcoz it’s small, duh!) so I don’t wanna be like those annoying kids who show off their new toy but wouldn’t share to play together. LOL.

I just want to say that everything goes according to plan, yeah of course there are some hiccups here and there but hey who doesn’t, right?

Thank you for the kind encouragements I’ve received, I didn’t know before that planning a wedding took times and energy so an encouragement did cheer me up. :)

Hmm, what else… Oh! 2014 will also be full of bandi’s friends’ wedding so I will need to travel back and forth to Indo a lot of times. That’s tiring but Bandi always say yes to invitation, he’s a people pleaser. So I guess I have to tag along.
For me, I usually don’t go to friend’s wedding unless they’re very close to me. It’s not that I’m rude or anything but I would want to come to a wedding where I know the love story of the people who weds, I’m a romantic! But in my inner circle, I’m the first who get married and that’s pretty annoying because I’m the one who always said “don’t get married too fast” but here I am, 27 years old and freaking engaged! (Just kidding bandi! You know I love you, right?)
Did I have the regret to be engaged young? Hmm, sometimes I do think about it… I think 28 years is too young to be married (my opinion) but then I always tell myself that I’m marrying a very wonderful man whom I’ve known so well and he wouldn’t abuse me or sell my kidneys once we got married. Lol.

I think that’s enough for the first blabber in 2014… I wouldn’t want to spill all the craps now. I will go to KL tomorrow with Strawberry and will be back to Spore on Sunday, so until then, be good! =D

But one thing for sure... 2014 will be the awesomest year ever because I can't wait to marry my bestfriend. =)

But one thing for sure… 2014 will be the awesomest year ever because I can’t wait to marry my bestfriend. =)

Cheers,

May, isn’t really sure if she’s sober.