Why Christmas is so important for a Buddhist like me?

Lately been busy doing stuffs… *ahem* who am I kidding, okay, I admit, this past one month I’ve been busy playing GTA V. Yes, I know as I feminist I should’ve been offended by a misogynistic game like GTA, but oh maaaan the gamer soul inside of me enjoyed it very very much. I have completed GTA V last week and I still love doing the after-main story activities so that’s the main reason why I’ve been so lazy to blog lately.

But after GTA has been completed, I got so busy with my wedding thingy. Arrrghhh doing wedding preparation while you’re on PMS is a bad combination. I cried for such a stupid problems and come to think about it now, I feel embarrassed.

I don’t have any interesting things to talk about but because I have an oath for “post a week”  (thankfully the oath will end on this end of the year so I can write anytime I want again start next year) so I “recycled” one of my favorite post.

Christmas is very near,  so I re-post a Christmas post I’ve written two years ago. I hope it brings smile on your face as it did to mine. =)

I did spend Christmas’ eve with Bandi in the church ever since. =)

Happy Christmas to all! Be merry!

***

23rd december 2011.

I grew up having Christmas in my school every year since I went to Catholic school from… err, basically for the whole of my school year, even my college year. I knew best about the story of how Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a home for a shelter when Mary needed to deliver baby Jesus, I took part of the Christmas show every year when I was in elementary, I forget whom I played as though.

I love going to Catholic Church especially on Christmas’ eve just to listen the carols and feel the holy night atmosphere. Not once, I likely to shed a tear (yes I’m that drama queen.) Thus, I received this question a lot, “If you really love Christmas and Church, and plus your boyfriend is a Catholic, why don’t you convert to one?”

Because I don’t believe in god.

I appreciate people’s relationship with their gods. I appreciate my man’s relationship with god. I love to see him praying. I know he believes in god. He has this close relationship with his god that I could never interfere and will never understand, not because it doesn’t exist, but because I don’t believe in god. But doesn’t mean something doesn’t exist just because you don’t believe in it.

If you believed in something, it is what it is you believe. And if you didn’t believe? It will never be existed in your mind.

For a record, no one believe my LDR will work, but ta-daa, it does!

As Buddha ever said,

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

I believe my relationship with this universe and Buddhist philosophy. I believe I am stronger each day because of yesterday. I believe in love and human’s relationship between each other. I cherish what I could feel, such as joy, contentment and comfort.

Everyone has their own joy, contentment and comfort. Some finds in their gods. And a lot of people believe a lot of gods. Why bother to insist someone to believe your god? It’s like insisting someone who can’t paint to take fine art major.

Christmas is an event. For the Christians, it’s the day when Jesus was born. For me, it’s a memory, of my fun childhood, of the warmth of my tiny school, of having an unforgettable Christmas’ Eve Mass with my man before he left to USA, of having hopes and wishes.

He is the only Catholic in his family, while the others are Buddhist. He used to spend Christmas alone, went to Church alone and didn’t get used to having presents on Christmas day. I have a Catholic Dad even though he wasn’t so festive about Christmas. So, five years ago, my man and I went to Church on Christmas’ Eve and since then, I whispered to Mother Mary in his god’s house, “I would like to do this every year with this guy, which ‘this guy’ refers to the guy beside me kneeling towards you, praying. And I hope he prays the same thing.”

The Christmas after was bittersweet. He was about to leave the next week, and that time, I hope his prayer was to come back to me. I was so afraid that it could be our last Christmas together.

Years after that were hard times for us, but having the thoughts of spending Christmas with him somehow got me through everything.

It’s so amazing how memory could make people stronger.

So, this Christmas, after 2 years absent from Christmas’ Eve Mass, I would listen those carols and hold that candle again. After the last two Christmases were spent playing “Merry Christmas Darling” on the ‘repeat one’ mode, buying Christmas card and went to post office and skype-ing and wishing to have the next Christmas with my man, the wish finally comes true this year. (<– I smile while typing this.)

I wish everyone to have a jolly Christmas this year and years after. I wish every wish came true. I wish Christmas Miracles happen to everyone. I wish for more candy canes, louder carols, Santa’s tighter red legging, wetter kisses, warmer hugs and creamier cakes. Coz that’s what Christmas is all about!!!

Can’t wait for Christmas day!

Be merry!

Love, May.

***

Bonus photos from the past Christmases!

Christmas 2011

Christmas 2011

Christmas 2012, Boxing Day!

Christmas 2012, Boxing Day!

Can't wait for Boxing day this year! Yaiy Yaiy!!!

Can’t wait for Boxing day this year! Yaiy Yaiy!!!

Cheers,

May, on festive mood.

Today is the day I’ve been talking about

Looking back to the past one year when Bandi and I first really planned about this. We’ve been talking about this plan since forever but last year we talked about really doing it.

October 2012

Bandi started to browse for cheap tickets… for months.

November 2012

Bandi took me to the Library and we browsed for hours. We borrowed some of the books back home and started to sort out the cities.

After hundreds of arguments, we finally agreed with multi-destination ticket. Even though it would be more expensive, we would save time. So we decided to arrive at London and leave from Athens.

31 December 2012

Bandi paid for the tickets. I couldn’t believe he did that. He paid the tickets with the money he’d saved from working part-time in USA back then.

After the ticket was bought, we planned the budget together and agreed to contribute equally. :)

January – February 2013

We I read all the books from Rick Steves. Seriously. I’m a prepared traveler. LOL

March 2013

Bought flight ticket from Rome to Athens.

April 2013

Nothing really happened. LOL

May 2013

Bought our Railpass.

June 2013

Booked half of the B&B’s

July 2013

Booked all the B&B’s, bought overnight train tickets, bought Santorini tickets, Bought Insurance, and applied for Visa. Horribly failed to apply the Visa because Italian Embassy requested for the complete point-to-point reservation ticket.

Itinerary is finalised.

August 2013

Got the UK Visa, reserved all the train tickets.

September 2013

Bandi accidentally washed his passport, so he needed to change his passport and re-apply UK Visa. After he got the new passport, he applied the Schengen visa with me and applied UK Visa again for himself.

We booked the Mt. Titlis Tour.

The host from Amsterdam suddenly cancelled then it was a bit difficult to find a new host whose room is available in short notice and of course which the room we could afford. Thankfully airbnb was so cooperative about this. =)

October 2013

We booked all the museums we wanted to visit.

We lost the most expensive documents that we needed for the Europe Trip just two weeks before our D day. We almost cancelled our trip but then we decided to just get the hell with it. We re-purchased the lost documents and accepted the fact that for this trip, Universe really wanted to test us, and I hope we passed. =)

11th October 2013

Today… I can finally start to see the dream is getting real. I’m kinda terrified, the exciting-terrified. I am a proud person now. I can’t explain with words how I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming that it consumes me.

Why I am so proud of my Europe Trip?

I didn’t come from a wealthy family, you see, it is nearly impossible to go to Europe if I look back to ten years ago. I believe in my dream. I believe there will be a way for me to go to Europe. Even though it takes years to save money, I would do it. Even though people said it is silly to blow a huge amount of money for one trip, I don’t care. Even though I’m considered irresponsible to spend so much money on a trip when it should’ve been paid for more responsible things like… house, I don’t care. It’s a matter of priority. You can’t say I will be happier buying house than going to Europe.

What I know is, while other girls buy bags every payday, my only bag is the almost-torn Mango shoppers bag that I bought so many years ago. (And thank god strawberry bought me a new bag. LOL) While all my colleagues are eating out, I spent more time the night before and cooked for my lunch. I went out less, ate out less, drank out less. I’ve saved more money than I supposed I should. It’s not that much that I can buy a house or a car, but enough to send my mom for her dream holiday and my dad to check up to doctor, and I still save every cents left…

To go traveling. See the world.

I don’t go traveling with a high end tours which my parents paid for me. I paid every cent of my airfare, hostel cost and the backpack myself. Every city I will be traveling to has meaning and reason why it’s been chosen so yeah, I’m control freak that way.

And yes, I’m proud of it. I am so freaking proud of it like it’s a very big achievement. And yes, IT IS A BIG DEAL.

So I have different priority from normal people, so what?! I don’t have a house, but I have a home, who goes traveling with me always. My home is with me wherever I go.

This is me living my dream. And I am so very very PROUD that I paid every cents with my own sweat and tears.

If you’re proud of your branded bags, your new job, your new house or car, why can’t I be proud of my adventure?

Europe, in particular, is my dream land. So many history, so many masterpieces and so many pieces of my dreams took place there. I’m going to conquer it. =)

If I could go back and tell the 9 years old May…

I would tell her not to worry, eventually everything would go according to her plan. Universe would conspire and made all of her dreams come true.

Never, NEVER let anyone’s words went into your head, little May. You were right when you were little and you would still be right even 20 years later… that it is OKAY to dream big, dream silly, and dream a lot. You’re gonna be just fine, May.

And yes, you would find that one person who you could spend all of your happiness with, earlier than you thought you would. You two would be best buds and he would share your dream.

So, don’t worry, dear… Never worry.

What happen to my blog when I’m in Europe?

It will be pretty much dormant. I was thinking to set some auto-post, but then there are nothing much of interesting things in my drafts. :p

I’ll try to blog once in a while through wordpress app but we all know it sucks big time with the photo editing. So don’t count on it.

I will share my dreams-come-true adventure on my instagram with hashtag #BayEuropeAdventure and will post regularly every night before I go to sleep. Please do follow my instagram @jaunemai for super awesome stories!

I promise it won’t be just a photo. It would be a story in every photo. It would be like taking you with me in my adventure.

Ready for an adventure?

Cheers,

May, the dreamy one.

A letter to Universe

Dear Universe…

It took me two days to finally have accepted the fact that what happened to me was indeed not a nightmare. It was unfortunately real, which I later call as a lesson, sadly I must learned it the hard way.

What happened was a proof that you control every single thing in my life. The air I breathe, the water I drink in, the wifi signal, everything! And oh, the wind… Don’t forget you control the wind, and the rain, and apparently my window handles.

I have lost some things because you meant it to happen. And the first thing I must remember is… when you meant something to happen, it will happen no matter what. Sometimes, I, as a human, forgot that you had a better plan for me. I would just get angry and complain. How could the documents put secured inside a box got carried away by the wind? If I told people about this, they would think I used the “my dog ate my homework” excuse. And don’t start with the insurance company.

But again, I know you did this to me because you have a better plan.

I have always asked you for a life that is so interesting if it was a movie, and you did give me the Oscar winning one.

It wasn’t a sarcasm. I meant it. It’s just the way I talk.

Dear Universe…

Thank you for the lesson. I can assure you that the learning is in progress. For now I haven’t really understood the purpose of the lesson, but fear not, I eventually will.

Thank you for only taking the least important thing in my life, my belongings that could be measured by money; and keeping the most important things in my life, my future husband and my friends safe. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have such supporting and comforting friends and a wonderful man who would go upside down for my sake and whose only mission in life is to make me happy.

Dear Universe…

I will never forget what happened last Sunday, the day I lost something and gain back my consciousness that I’m truly blessed, that nothing… nothing could break me, because people around me kept me strong.

I will always remember that in this life, some things that were meant to happen will happen no matter what, and that’s never my fault or anyone’s.

I will always remember that I can always find the money I’ve lost but I can never  find back the time I’ve lost. I can never turn back time.

I will always remember that no matter how difficult the circumstances are, there is always a way.

There is always a way and I’m going to find it. Because I’m a believer.

Dear Universe…

You didn’t make me reconsider about marrying him. You just made me wanting to marry him more.

There’s saying about “the darkest hour is just right before dawn.” I guess you’re so kind to let us walk through our darkest time hand in hand. It was dark but at least I have the love of my life holding my hand.

With that kind of intensity, I guess it would be one hell of remarkably beautiful sun-rise.

Dear Universe…

I hope this letter doesn’t sound like complaints, because it is truly not.

It is a thank you note for trusting me that I could stand tall against the hurricane. Yes, it is a long and winding road to the dream comes true, but nothing can turn me away. I’m a believer.

I will be the most optimistic girl you will ever know. I will stand tall against all odds. After eveything we’ve been through, I believe you know me. =)

Sincerely yours,

A girl who will always have faith in you no matter how hard you shake it.

So you thought this only happens in movie?

Disclaimer: Open your mind before you read. Everything happens for reason. This is one of them.

This post has been in the draft page for a year. Seriously. A year. I am so scared of people’s judgemental comments and the fact that Bandi’s sucky friend would start to talk about me behind my back again. But then I thought, hey, I’m not 20 years old anymore. I’ve grown up, they’ve grown up. I must publish this post just for the sake of closure.

I wanted to name this post “September Roller Coaster: Season Finale” for some reason but then I went with ” So you thought this only happens in movie?” for a funny catch.

So here it is…

[All the words in green below is written on July 2012]

We will have to go back to a post that was originally posted on 4th September 2006, but then being asked to be removed by some people (not Bandi) because, well they simply couldn’t handle it. However, I left the other short post alive.

This is a beautiful love story. Why we need to erase this story and pretend this never happened?

Bandi was okay when I asked, can I post that story again? He said, nobody will ever question or doubt your love to me as your facebook is full of “dishes that I cook for Bandi”, “Bandi’s breakfast”, “Bandi’s lunch”, and “Bandi’s dinner.”

“Come on! You love me too much. That’s just history.”

So, first of all, you all need to read this post I made back then in 2006. I didn’t edit any of the words AT ALL so we all can feel the juvenile atmosphere. So pardon some of my misspelling. :p

[All the words in purple below is written on September 2006]

Our Love story is OURS…

1 September 2006

Gw tepuk bahunya dua kali, “Boleh kenalan gak?” trus gw julurin deh tangan gw.

Dia kaget setengah mati. Dalam keadaan yang penuh keringat dia jabat tangan gw. Masih terlalu senang karena masuk final sekaligus amazed ada cewe segila gw yang berjalan melewati GSG yang crowded dan nyamperin dia yang lagi celebrate victory bareng temen2nya.

“Alex.”

“Maytri. Boleh minta nomor Hpnya?”

It was just a joke. It was a bet that I made with my friend. Yes! Gw dibayarin makan gratis di sentra! Linni, Cipen, Litta, en semua yang ada di GSG ternganga liat kejadian itu. Karena emang cuma orang gila yang berani malu kuadrat hanya untuk tarohan makan gratis di Sentra.

Unpar baru aja kalah dari Binus,, en gw malah ngajakin kenalan anak Binus karena tarohan makan di Sentra???

But I did it! And I’m so thankful that I did it.

Karena kalo engga,, gak akan ada dua hari penuh magical itu.

~~~

Gak nyangka pas sorenya gw ke Sentra atas, gw ketemu segerombolan tim Binus yang lagi makan. Anjiiir, gw malu! Koor ‘cieeeeh’ langsung terdengar gitu.

Gak lama ada cewe yang nyamperin gw bawa digicam dan nanya, “Boleh minta fotonya gak?”

“Hmm… Boleh, tapi gw mawnya foto berdua!”

What the hell I was thinking???

Anak2 Binus ngompor2in Alex untuk foto sama gw, akhirnya dia nyamperin gw dan duduk di sebelah gw, dan acara foto-foto pun dimulai.

I still can’t believe that happened.

Setelah itu, temen2 gw en temen2 dia ninggalin kita berdua.

Gw dan Alex… Alex dan gw…

Ternyata kita itu…. orang yang pernah ketemu di kehidupan yang dulu??? Bisa dibilang gitu? Hmm,, kayanya….

Semua keluar dengan mudahnya… Gw cerita segala hal, semua prinsip hidup, apa yang maw gw accomplish dalam hidup, kuliah gw, novel gw, SEMUA!

Dia juga… tentang komiknya, seberapa cinta dia sama voli, darah rendah-nya, nyokapnya, temen2nya, impian dia…

Percaya gak sih kita ngobrol hampir 4 jam padahal gw baru aja kenal dia???

He keeps saying, “Hmm… Lucu… Lucu…”

Emang, semuanya lucu banget yah, Lex?

Then, dia anter gw pulang… yang lebih anehnya lagi, gw tanya, “Maw mampir dulu?”

“Boleh… liat-liat…”

Dan gw ninggalin dia di kamar gw sendirian!!! Gila kan?! Padahal gw baru kenal!!!

“Lo tunggu di sini dulu yah, gw maw cuci muka.”

How could you be so comfort with someone whom you just met?

Di saat itulah dia bilang, “Kalo suka sama seseorang, kita harus bilang perasaan kita.” Prinsip yang sama dengan gw!

Dia liat-liat nametag gw, origami gw, foto-foto gw, mengenal gw lebih dalam hanya dengan hitungan menit.

Gw kasih dia origami bikinan gw. Bintang warna-warni yang segede kepalan tangan. Disimpen yah, Lex!!!

Terus edwin dateng ngejemput. Gw, Linni, Cipen en Edwin maw pergi jalan2, so sekalian anter Alex ke wisma tempat dia nginep.

Hmm,, say goodbye is always the hardest thing to do. Tapi gw taw bakal ketemu lagi besok pas final.

Baru aja sampe tempat makan bubur, sms bunyi, “ALeX”

Malem itu kita ngobrol, kalo kita kayak udah kenal lama banget… We said sweet things. Dan gw tidur sambil senyum…..

2 September 2006

Ketemu Alex lagi!!! Mukanya lagi stress berat karena tegang maw final lawan atma jaya. Dengan sepenuh hati gw teriak2 waktu dia tanding, sampe pita suara gw rasanya maw putus.

2 set pertama Atma menang, 2 set selanjutnya Binus menang, set ke-5 jadi penentuan… Skor ngalamin deuce beberapa kali, sumpah tegang banget!! Huhuhu, sayang banget akhirnya Atma menang… Rasanya gw maw nangis… Padahal dia cerita kalo dia pengen banget ngalahin Atma karena temen deket dia yang dulu satu klub Voli bareng dia waktu SMU ada di atma, namanya Patrick. Mereka temen baik, tapi pas di lapangan, tetep aja rival. Yoi gak, Lex? (That’s what you said)

~~~

Alex shock, dan karena darah rendahnya, dia pingsan. DANG! Sumpah, gw takut banget, mungkin that was the moment that I realize that He meant something!!

Gw ikut waktu dia digotong ke Korgala, dan dengan segenap keberanian gw masuk ke Korgala,, ketemuin dia. Gw nemenin dia sampe dia bangun, en balik ke GSG.

Sampe pintu GSG, I said goodbye. Dia masuk ke GSG, ada acara serah terima piala, dll…

Gw jalan ke sentra, karena ditunggu Linni, Cipen en Litta di sana… Sesaat gw mikir… “IS THAT IT?” Udahkah? Ini endingnya? Apa iya abis ini gw gak ketemu dia lagi???

Koq dada gw rasanya sesak yah?

Duduk di Sentra, nemenin anak2 makan, gw kayak mau nangis… pengen liat dia lagi…

Tiba-tiba, HP bunyi… “ALeX” CALLING

WAAAAA!!!!

“Maytri! Lo dimana?”

“Di Sentra bawah… kenapa?”

“Gw mau ngenalin lo sama Patrick.”

“Kapan? Sekarang?”

“Iya…”

Gak lama kemudian dia samperin gw di sentra, en ngajak gw balik ke GSG, maw dikenalin ke Patrick.

Gw nanya, “dapet medali gak?” karena dia ngoleksi medali hasil tanding Voli.

“Enggak, dapet piala…”

“Oooh… sayang yah. Tapi gak apa-apa, cuma lo satu2nya pemain yang dapet bintang.”

“Hah, bintang?” dia bingung.

“Heeh, bintang warna-warni yang gw kasih kemaren.”

Sampe di GSG, gw dikenalin sama orang yang udah dia anggep kembarannya. Hmm,, gw juga jadi pengen kenalin dia ke Ucup, my best friend.

Setelah itu, we were unseparatable. Kita makan di sentra, dia cerita macem2 dari jokes2 goblok, cerita hantu, masa kecil, mantan2 pacar, en ngajak jalan.

Trus kita ke kost gw dulu, baru deh jalan (dalam keadaan gw gak mandi, en dia juga settingan abis tanding Voli. Hahahaha), rencananya maw ke de Kosmo en ke IP. Waktu nunggu angkot, dia suruh gw pake jaket dia, karena dia tau gw gampang masuk angin. Dan dia bilang, “Gw suka liat cewek pake jaket cowo…” So sweeeet… Karena udah malem, akhirnya naek St.hall-Ciumbuleuit yang belok, nah… gw kan gak taw harus naek apa pas turun di gandok, jadilah gw minta Alex bwat sms cipen. Pas itu ada cowok en cewek yang duduk di depan kita di dalam angkot. Cowoknya nanya, “maw ke IP?”

“He-eh.” Gw jawab.

“Nanti bareng saya aja… maw ke IP juga koq…”

Jadilah orang itu ngajak ngobrol. Ternyata yang cowok itu anak Hukum ’89 en ceweknya Ars 2002. Yang bikin gw seneng, mereka pikir gw en Alex itu teman satu SMU, padahal baru aja kenal… hehe.

Sampe di De Kosmo, kita cuma muter2 doang liat makanan, tapi gw gak taw maw makan apa, jadi kita langsung ke IP. Dari situ dia udah mulai sering nurunin bando gw. Nyebelin… tapi ngangenin. :p

Dari de Kosmo ke IP kita jalan… talked about stuff like falling in love and so on…

Pas di ditulah gw bilang, “Lex… lo muncul di saat yang tepat banget yah…”

Sampe IP, Alex terus2an becanda, Gosh, he was so funny! Kita ke food court, akhirnya gw laper… gw pesen McD deh. For the first time of my life, rasa fillet o fish datar banget!!! Aneh…

Di food court itulah pembicaraan tentang ‘apakah kita berdua ini mungkin?’ dimulai.

Bisa gak kita long distance?

Apa iya kita itu jodoh?

Blah3x… Yang pasti saat itu, I didn’t give a damn, gw cuma maw nikmatin apa yang ada sekarang… That I’m with him… And I’m extremely happy in an actual definition.

“Maytri… fotobox yuks!”

Hahahaha! Gw seneng banget waktu dia bilang itu!!!

“Yuks! Cepetan sebelum tutup!” krn skrg emang udah jam 9! Buru2lah kentangnya diabisin en ngacir ke M Studio. Pas jalan ke M itulah dia bilang, “Seandainya kita berada di kota yang sama… gw pasti udah nembak lo…”

seandainya… seandainya….

“Lex… lo taw perasaan gw ke elo, kan?”

“Taw kok… gw juga suka sama lo… gw happy sama lo.”

“Gw gak suka sama lo kok… mungkin bakal kdengeran stupid, tapi… gw udah jatuh cinta sama lo…”

To qoute “A Lot Like Love”…

If you’re not stupid, then you don’t deserve to be in love.

Dalam waktu kurang dari 2×24 jam, May??? How come??? Gw sendiri masih belum percaya,, tapi gw yang ngerasain!!!

Ini fotobox-nya!

Ini fotobox-nya!

~~~

Beres fotobox,, dia ngajak gw ke GAME MASTER!!! Uuuuh! Buat orang2 yang mengenal gw dgn baik,, pasti taw kalo gw maw banget ngedate maen game! Gw kaget banget!

I always wanted to go to this kind of place on my date!!!

Damn you Alex, for making tonight so perfect!

Di game master kita maen macem2, dia ngajak gw maen DDR Drum machine itu loh! Gw kan gak bisa, “Gak maw aaah! Gak bisaaa!”

“Gw juga, udah, coba aja!! Apa sih yang gak bisa?”

Bener…. bener banget!

Truz maen racing, truz kita maen PANIC PARK!!! Oh I love that game!!!! Lucu banget! Semua orang HARUS, WAJIB nyoba maen game itu!!! Gw maen ampe dengkul gw biru en keringetan… Hosh… Hosh… And he did sweet thing that moment :)

Liat gw keringetan, dia nyeka keringet gw pake tangannya!!! Mampus gak tuh! Anjiir lu, Lex! Dasar buaya darat!!

Kita di game master sampe game master tutup, en pas keluar game master, IP udah gelap. Hahaha!

Gw inget pas turun eskalator, Alex ngomong, “Seandainya lo cewek gw…”

Huaaaaaaaaaa!! Iya… seandainya…. T.T

“Umm… sebenernya bisa koq, kalo emang lo maw…”

“Emang lo maw coba LD??” DANG! Bingung dah gw ditanya begitu. Prinsip gw tuh, amit2 gw sampe LD! Gak sanggup gw…

“Lex… kalo gw bilang gw maw… gw gak yakin bisa, gw gak maw nantinya ngerusak 2 hari yang perfect ini. Tapi kalo gw bilang gak maw… gw gak maw kehilangan lo…”

Hiks, dilemma.

I just don’t want to ruin it,, so please,, don’t talk about it.

Dari IP naek angkot sekali, turun di gandok… dia cerita kalo sebenernya pas tanding dia maw meluk gw… :) jujur yah, Lex… sebenernya waktu di GSG itu, gw udah maw nyamperin lo sebelum lo tanding…

~~~

Dari gandok kita jalan… sepanjang jalan, we held hand in hand. Saat itu gw sadar… dalam beberapa menit, dia bakal pergi dari kehidupan gw.

2 hari yang gila ini bakal berakhir….

Sepanjang jalan, kita ngobrol… saat2 dimana gw paling merasa nyaman bersama dia… gw bisa cerita semua hal yang gw gak kepikiran… saat2 dia bisa cerita jokes2 gobloknya, en kalo gw bilang, “Lo goblok banget seh, Lex!” dia bakal jawab, “Iyalah, gw kan IPS…”

“TERUUUUS??? Gw juga!” Hahaha,, sering banget yah Lex…

Dia juga nanya, kapan gw first kiss… Gw bilang, gak pernah… Gw bilang gw mau first kiss gue sama suami gue, trus dia ketawain se-tolol-tololnya. Kurang ajar.

Gw inget every detail semua kejadian yang terjadi 2 hari itu, pas di depan premierre, dia bilang, “Mungkin kita emang jodoh yaa…”

Huhuhu…. iya! Iya! Pasti!

Sampe kosan, dia nelpon taxi… en nunggu di kamar sambil merenung, huaaa,, abis ini kita gak akan ketemu lagi. Dia bakal ke Enhai, nginep semalem en besok siang pulang ke Jakarta.

Dia minta pendapat gw apakah dia harus ngelepasin Voli karena dia sibuk banget sama DKV en kegiatan2 dia… Dia ngerasa gak sanggup kalo semuanya tetep dijalanin. En gw bilang, “JANGAN!!!”

“Kenapa?”

Inget kan Lex, jawaban kita? Kita ngomong sama-sama…

Karena gara-gara Voli, kita ketemu…

Jujur yah, Lex… gw gak pernah bilang ini ke elo, taw gak… Gw suka banget liat lo maen Voli… Penuh semangat, selalu bisa ngebangkitin semangat tim lo. So, jangan dilepasin yaah… Lo menginspirasi gw untuk tetep semangat dalam hidup. Lo yang selalu bilang ke gw kan, apapun yang terjadi, gw harus semangat.

Gw terdiam cukup lama, mikir… apa jadinya hidup gw setelah ini… Setelah gw ketemu soulmate gw, terus ditinggal… Disorder kayak apa yang nanti bakal gw rasain…?

Tiba-tiba… He kissed me.

It just happened.

Dia cium pipi gw. A stolen kiss… Nggak pernah terpikir kalau pertama kali dicium cowok bakal stolen kiss…

Taw gak, saat itu, jantung gw pindah posisi ke perut. GOD, gw gak pernah ngerasain perut gw tiba2 mules banget kayak diaduk2 pake sendok semen! Muka gw pasti cengo banget saat itu. Sekitar 5 detik gw mencerna semuanya, gw pukul paha Alex kenceng banget. “BABI LO LEX!!! Itu first kiss gw yaaaa!!!!”

Alex cengar-cengir aja. “Kan di pipi,, yang di bibir buat suami lo..”

Gw rasa itu lucu banget… hihihi… Alex… Alex… dasar orang gila!

“Lex, lo gila ya?!”

“Gara-gara siapa gue gila?”

Hmm,, gw gak akan lupa every single word that you said, Lex..

Kita berdua gila. Bukan elo doang. Gue juga gila…

Sedihnya, Hpnya bunyi, ditelpon sama Blue Bird. Damn! Kenapa sih sinyal hari itu mesti bagus!! T.T

Gw anter dia ke depan… sebelum naek taxi, gw peluk dia eraaaaaaat banget… Gak maw gw lepasin rasanya… sampe mati juga.

But I had to… And I let him go…

Pcaya apa engga, pas taxi udah pergi, air mata gak berhenti2nya turun selama 10 menit ke depan. Gw kayak orang goblok yang ngegembok pintu sambil nangis, terus ngetok2 kamar Linni. “Liiiin….”

Pas Linni buka pintu kamar dan ngeliat tampang gw yang udah banjir banget, dia langsung shock. “Ya ampun, Maaay! Lo kenapa? Diapain lo sama Alex???”

Diapain sama Alex…?

Dicium?

Ditinggal?

Apa yah?

Hmm…. Dibikin jatuh cinta…

3 September 2006

Call me crazy, pas Alex bangun jam 10 pagi (si BABI emang), gw langsung ngacir ke Enhai, dianter Billy… (THANKS a lot Bil!!!!)

Gw ketemu dia untuk yang terakhir kali… Ngeyakinin kita berdua kalo gak mungkin bisa long distance, so… it’s that last time we said goodbye. Pas jalan di koridor enhai, dia nurunin bando gw lagi… Gw kesel banget karena rambut gw jadi berantakan, tapi gw taw… jailnya dia itu bakal ngangenin.

Gw gak bisa lama2, ditunggu Billy, so gw harus pulang. Dia anter gw ke motor, dan untuk yang terakhir kali juga, gw peluk dia lagi… Lex, lo harus tau kalo saat itu gw nahanin nangis. Entah kenapa gw gak maw nangis di depan lo… Mungkin karena gw gak maw image ‘crayon orange’ gw di mata lo rusak.

Waktu peluk dia, gw ngomong…

“Lex… inget yah…

1. kalo suka sama cewe lain, harus bilang gw…

2. Apalagi kalo sampe jadian…

3. Sering2 telpon gw…

4. Jangan pernah lupain gw… dan 3 hari terakhir ini

5. Kalo lawan atma lagi, menang yah! Hehhe…”

Dan pesan dia cuma satu,

“Kalo lo gak yakin sama perasaan lo, kalo lo gak ngerasain apa yang lo rasain skrg, jangan jalanin hubungan… karena cuma bakal nyakitin.”

Then, that’s it… I went away. Billy, mungkin lo gak taw, sepanjang jalan gw nangis di atas motor… goblok banget. Gw jadi gila… semuanya jadi abu-abu…

I’ve just found my soulmate and I’ve just lost him. How ironic is that?

Pas udah di kosan pun, gw gak berhenti nangis di kamar Cipen… goblok… goblok… gw jadi gila neh, kayaknya….

~~~

Waktu denger cerita ini, banyak tanggepan2 aneh dari orang2… antara, “Aaaaw… I envy you!”

“Alaaaah… itu mah bukan sayang!”

“Easy comes easy goes…”

“Pertahanin dia, May!”

Atau cuma ketawa sinis….

Joan yang paling lucu, dengan wajah pura2 lugu dia nanya, “Ini true story, kan?”

Yup, kalo ada orang yang ceritain gw kayak gini, mungkin gw juga akan ternganga gak percaya. “Ini true story bukan seeeh??”

I know it’s too impossible to be true, but I’ve felt it… with my soulmate… how great is that?

Bwat orang2 yang menanggapi cerita ini dengan sinis, gw cuma bisa bilang… Don’t be so cynical about this kind of love just because you haven’t felt it. Gw percaya kok, semua orang punya Alex-nya masing2… It’s just my luck to find him first.

Don’t look for your destiny, it’ll come to you after all…

Bwat Yoan, *speechless*, abis udah keluar semua pas kelas PerpPol. :P

Bwat Linni, Cipen, en Litta (para saksi hidup), kalo gak ada tarohan itu, gak akan ada ini semua.

Bwat Cupy, gw pengen banget ngenalin dia ke elo!!!

Bwat semua yang baca,, mungkin aneh, mustahil, apalah,, sayang hanya dalam waktu 2 hari… But it happens!!! I felt it! Gak ada yang lebih real lagi deeh!!!

Bwat Alex… Gimana nyong?! Gw udah bikinin blogs bwat lo neh! Gw gak pernah gak yakin sedikitpun sama perasaan sayang kita kok! En gw juga gak pernah nyesel sama semua yang terjadi selama dua hari itu… Cepetan publish komik lo! Biar novel gw happy ending! Inget janji lo di IP! En gw bakal selalu inget kata2 lo… Tetep semangat!!! En… “kalo emang lo jodoh gw… Kita pasti bakal ketemu lagi.” you always said that.

Alex…

Meeting you was Fate

Knowing you was Choice

But Falling in love with you… is totally out of my control.

-May, Septemberollercoaster 2006-

Today, six years after that happened, I finally look back and smile. No, not smile, I laugh!

Come on, it’s a beautiful story and we’re friends now, why not laugh about it? This “falling in love with stranger” thing is like one of my wildest fantasy since I was nine years old! Guess I attract universe to finally give this story for me. =)

FYI, this all happened when Bandi and I were in 3 months relationship and apparently one day before I met Alex, we decided to go “on a break”, giving each other space. Right after I came back saying goodbye to Alex, I went to Bandi’s place and broke up with him.

I should make a point now that I was doing Bandi a favor by really breaking up with him instantly after I gained my conscience back from the fairy tale. However we were on a break. (Not that I agree with Ross sleeping with other woman while he and Rachel were on a break. LOL)

Falling in love with Alex was inevitable. And the least I could do was being fair to Bandi by breaking up with him.
Well, like Kurt Cobain said, it’s better to be yourself and everyone hates you than become somebody else and everyone loves you.

For all of Bandi’s friends who were calling me a slut and people who accused me of cheating and whatever, this might be the answer for you for “Why did you do that to the nicest guy on earth?”

For me, I think what I did was right. I could have just played victim and stepped on the two boats, nobody knows right? (Nobody unless hundred of people on GSG watching me asking for his number. LOL) Or I could just go back to my normal life with Bandi and pretended like nothing happened.

But hey something happened. I fell in love and I will never lie of what I feel. So instead of being so angelic, I became a devil instead. I did let go the two of them.

Because it is the right thing. I was being fair.

You could comment anything and say that technically I was cheating but in my defense, falling in love with Alex was inevitable. He would have done exactly the same thing if he had a girlfriend.

Do you know what cheating is? It is having two or more love affairs in the same time under your conscience!!! (bold and underlined with three exclamation points!)

I wasn’t in my conscience on that time. It was a three days fantasy, and once after I came back to reality, the first thing I did was telling Bandi about it. And when he asked, “so what do you wanna do about it now?” I did the right thing, I said we should break up.

So what happened after Bandi and I broke up? Did I try a relationship with Alex? Hmm, I can’t really call it a relationship because what we did most of the times was arguing over the phone and remember back then inter-city phone calls weren’t cheap. We were only a student then and didn’t have spare money to buy train tickets to visit each other and we were so busy with college life we didn’t have time to console each other’s feelings. We were miserable and I must say everything was really hard with him. Because he was a male version of me. He was stubborn, selfish and crazily romantic.

We were falling in too fast and couldn’t wait to go out as fast. We made a mistake by taking the fantasy to the reality. Alex and me were bad news. In the end we did hurt each other more than we fell in love to each other.

Now the question is, after all this time, if now another Alex comes again into my life, will I do the same thing? No.

1. My feeling now is totally different from what I had with Bandi back then. We had only been together for 3 months and those were boring 3 months. And to be honest, if the Alex thing didn’t hit him that hard, he would stay boring for the rest of his life.

2. Things like this won’t happen twice.

3. I wouldn’t do juvenile thing like accepting a bet for a free lunch and ask a guy’s phone number in my age now. (You see the point? I was just being juvenile and that’s what we did on our college times.)

I knew this would be a controversial post, but I don’t give a fuck. For what it’s worth, everything happens for reason. I believe that.

However Bandi and I are together now, being stronger than ever. When I ask Bandi whether he’s scared of me ever do that again, he said no. “You and Alex were in the same city when I was in US for two years, and you didn’t even have thoughts of meeting him.” Well he’s freakin right!!

“You love me just too much. All you do is thinking about me, you don’t have time for drama.”

The climax for this post would be this:

So, the other night, Alex just showed up on my whatsapp, out of the blue, apologizing of what he did 6 years ago. I know he apologized before but somehow this time, it just felt so right. We talked in the middle of 2 am in the morning and we spent like one hour straight just to chat.

I used to say that he was my darkest hour before dawn and here it is, another surprise from universe, this story really ended in a dawn.

Like Alex said and I quote: “Once again, I apologize to you. I hurt you before and I’m sorry for that. I remembered you told me on 2007 that you feel like slapping my face. You know what? I deserved that.”

Anyway, we did meet again exactly one year after that. I post about it here.

Here’s some peek of the chat. I’ve edited the personal stuffs though.

Alex convo

I told him I already forgave him long time ago and I’m so glad he has grown so much from a very selfish guy to be this wise man and you know what? It’s because of a girl. (It’s always LOVE that conquers all! Yaiy!)

He also said he will definitely come if Bandi and I get married someday and will draw us for free! (He’s a professional illustrator now :)) He said he’s so glad we’re friends now, which we both should become in the first place. Please, Alex was like a male version of me, we should have been bestfriend since the beginning if there were no romance and drama involved!

He said he always knew Bandi was the one for me, that he never gave up on me through all those things and he said he also owe Bandi an apology. Well, that would be an epic moment when he apologize to Bandi. LOL

We agreed on two things: one, that what we felt for those three days was real and let it be just a beautiful fantasy. Two, everything really does happen for reason. That happened to me so Bandi and I would be like today and that happened to him so he would grow up (even he just realized 6 years later) and when he finally met this girl, he knew what love really is. =)

I’m so glad Alex and I talked it out.

For every pain and hurt that we costed each other six years ago, I’m so grateful it happened. It was a part of growing up.

Now is the time for my sotoy philosophy…

The reason why I made this post is that we should not run from our past or pretend it never happened by not talking about it. We have to make closure for every issues that we had in order to move forward. I believe that.

I personally love to have a closure with Alex and finally Bandi is okay talking about it, even though he still doesn’t want to mention the “A” name. haha

Don’t try too hard though to make a closure as it might not the time yet. Just remember everyone has different timeline and different standard of dealing with problems and pain. Let the time heals everything. Don’t lose faith. The closure will come, eventually.

Because time really does heal everything.

May, 17th July 2012.

Geez, It’s kinda weird that I read it again now, my life is so awesome!! Haha! How many people out there get to have an apology from a guy who hurt her so much 6 years before. And this post has been laying there in the draft page for a reason. You know what’s the reason? So I can make an inception post like this. Hahaha! A post inside a post inside a post. If this doesn’t make my blog awesomeness level went up, I don’t know what will.

Anyway, enough with the non-sense.

To comment about the story, seven years after, I just want to say… for all the excuses I made and the argues I tried to validate… I still think it’s the right thing to do even seven years later. What I did was right. (still)

This is gonna be my last post ever talking about this Alex guy. This is the season finale and I like the ending. We’re not best friend anyway like we said on the whatsapp one year ago because it would be weird for Bandi and Alex’s girlfriend if we’re bestfriend, this is not a sitcom.

We’re just a friend who wishes each other Happy birthday and talk once in a while especially when he’s about to show some of his drawing stuffs to me. But we’re cool. He’s living his dream and I live mine. =)

I don’t know what kind of sentences would be perfect to end this series of drama. I have been staring at the blinking cursor for the last 30 seconds and there’s no perfect words to say.

I guess…

Life is unpredictable.

One minute you had it all, the other you lost it. It’s so scary that your life and everything attached to you is mortal.

However life is too short not to fall in love head over heels. To really fall.

To fall in love and then to be heart broken and then to learn and to let go and to move on. That’s okay.

That’s life. Don’t be scared. Time will heal and you will be healed too.

Have your heart broken is inevitable, being miserable is optional. =)

Afterall, It’s always fun to hear a love story, no matter how bad the ending is… And you can always change your point of view and turn it around to be a happy ending.

P.S: For the twenty years old Alex and the twenty years old May: You two are damn cute! I’m glad you guys took the chance. =)

Cheers,

May, 26th July 2013

The paradox of my life

I never finish my novels before. I had written a loooottt of unfinished novel and had so many stocks of plot. I am a quitter, I know that. That is why I never finish my novel.

Until one moment, 7 years ago, I didn’t know why, I finished my “Paradoks”, a teenlit novel in Bahasa, with a very horrible ending. I sent it to a publisher and got rejected. I was so bumped and kept the script somewhere. I ‘ve showed it to some close friends and they said they loved it but then I thought they were just being nice.

The main character of the novel, Raisa, was actually reflection of me. (I was 19 years old, writing my first novel, of course I must’ve written something self centered.) Although the whole story is totally fiction, I took a little of my character and my personal problem to be Raisa’s.

This novel is cheesy, yet I really love. Because I am really cheesy.

Seven years later, a best friend of mine told me that I can publish my book using the own publisher way, through a website she’s found. I dug up my old harddisk and read “Paradoks” again. I fell in love again with Raisa character and I still love her story. a grown up me, still loving a cheesy love story I’ve written years ago. Only this time, I changed the ending.

Three days ago, it is finally published and can be bought online (here). It’s a self-published though and bought by order but I am so proud of myself, for finishing that 200 over pages novel, written with heart and soul, and 7 years later finally publish it. =)

It’s like having a baby. The feeling is foreign, new and overwhelming.

I couldn’t stop smiling when I held the book. It felt surreal and it was probably the most exciting thing I have ever touched.

This is the “thank yous” part:

Then last night my sister texted me and she said she told my Dad and Mom about this. She said my dad was dancing like a kid hearing about this. I told her coolly, it’s not a big deal. But actually I was freaking happy. I could actually make my Mom and Dad proud of me. That’s a strange feeling. Again, something new in my life.

I am so overwhelmed by everyone’s sincere congratulations and their wishes for me.

I don’t know why I have to wait so long to finally make my writings published. I used to think that I’m afraid of criticism, but then why am I such an active blogger? But maybe, seven years is worth the wait.

I remember my boyfriend asked me one time after he was watching me skype-ing with Renny, my publisher and my cousin, “You are one brave person, aren’t you?”

I asked why he said that. He said, “Have you never felt scared of everything you do? You had a band when you were twelve and you let people laugh on you, you made handmade things for people and you’re not scared they laugh about it? You kept telling people you’re gonna meet Cannavaro and you let people mock you, and shit, you really met him. And now you publish your novel, don’t you scare? Don’t you scare people mock you it’s a bad novel? Why are you so daring to dream?”

That is when I realized, I lived my life with my dreams. I may look so skeptical on the surface, having the sour loveless childhood and mental disorder, don’t believe in marriage or those things, but yeah, I’ve dreamed all my life.

I have always dreamed that I’m gonna have a fairy tale true love, and I’ve found that in Bandi.

I have always dreamed to meet Fabio Cannavaro in person, and fuck yeah, I did. (Who would’ve thought that happened, righttt??)

I have always dreamed to go to Europe, to really visit Ennio Tardini, always dream and always try, I’ll never give up on anything, or on whatever people said.

And I have always dreamed to publish a novel someday. And that someday is today.

So let me tell you, Bandi… I’m never scared because, the worst case was only that all the dreams didn’t happen, that won’t kill me. So yeah, people would mock me, bully me, called me idiots and stuff, but again it won’t kill me. But if it happened, that was the second best feeling in the world (after falling in love with you of course) and I didn’t want to let all the fear of rejections, embarrassment stop me for keeping me away from that awesome feeling. And if you planned to stay with me for the rest of my life, I’m gonna pass this value of life to our children too. (And you need to start to learn being expressive and giving more compliments :D)

The paradox of my life, that beyond all my skeptical realist comment, I am a very dreamy person. I never stop believing.

Life without dreams is so boring that they call it death. So as long as I’m still breathing, I always dream high.

I wouldn’t wanna trade my life with anyone else.

Cheers and drink up!

May

I am 25 and homeless.

Remember when you were a little kid and you said “I just wanna go home.” everytime bad things happened?

Why did we do that? Is it because at our home we can do whatever we want to do? Or is it because our home is the most comfortable place on earth?

For me, it is probably because my room was the only place I could be alone and did some major imagination.

Well, actually the first time I got my own room is when I was 15 and it felt AWESOME! From then, I swore I would do whatever I could to live alone, by my self, out of my parents’ house.

I spent my childhood sharing my room either with my sister, my brother, housemaid, or my grandpa. I didn’t do so many things in my room besides writing a diary or daydreaming. I spent most of my childhood times outside the house, chasing kites or playing basketball. Sometimes I feel sorry kids these days spend their times inside playing Nintendo DS. I think my childhood is awesome. I still befriend all my childhood friends until now. I think they are true friends. :)

Anyway, I didn’t have so many “I just wanna go home” feeling until I reached my teenage years, well my high school years to be precise. I moved to another city for the very first time of my life, out from the only place I’ve known since I was born,Jakarta. Ok, I have a love-hate relationship withJakartauntil now but I was only 15! I left all the friends I knew and was being totally alone in this other city!

I used to go to school feeling “I just wanna go home” then I was home alone most of the times coz my mom went to Jakarta a lot and my dad worked at Jakarta. Only when I was 17 my dad was home everyday because he fell sick.

I was starting a quest to find my home since then. I didn’t fell like I was home. But the only home I’ve known for 15 years had been sold. Where is my home?

My journey after that was very exciting, move houses with my parents, finally move out from my parents’ house to another city again, rent a house with bunch of friends, move back to my parents’ house, and finally move out to Singapore. I’ve been kind of a nomad person.

Yesterday I received a very bad news and I felt like crying and this feeling appeared, “I just wanna go home.”

But where is my home? I don’t even have one.

I never think my parent’s house as my home. It’s just a house I could live in (and I refused to) but it’s not my home. I always try so hard to live further away from my family. It’s just the feeling I have since I was kid. I’ve never been close with my family.

So here I am, in a foreign land, feeling wanna go home, but nowhere to turn to. And that’s it, I realized, I’m 25 and I’m homeless.

These couple of days I’ve been feeling sick, and the “I just wanna go home” feeling is growing even bigger.

I told Bandi about the bad news and he brought me cupcakes. Since this girl I told you before moved out fromSingapore, I only have Bandi here. So it’s like him and me against the world.

It is so true that being home is the best feeling of all. And this awesome feeling is the feel that I have everytime I meet Bandi. So I figure this following quote is true:

 Home is not a place, it is people.

We don’t have house here in Singapore. But we have each other. And I’ll go wherever he wanted to go. He’s my home. And I’m his.

We will have our house someday and call it a home, so the next time I feel like “I just wanna go home” I know where I should go.

But for now, my home is not yet a place, it’s a person. Now it’s still one person, but I hope it’ll keep adding people to it.

 

Love,

May

Dreams do come true.

13 years ago, I never thought this would happen. However, I dared to dream.

From my previous post, (here!) it was very obvious how a man named Fabio Cannavaro really helped me go through my unstable teenage life. Almost every night before I slept, I daydreamed about how I would meet him again someday. Some dream was very simple, some was beyond reality, such as he’d take me to outer space or I became his manager and won scudetto together. It might sound silly, but that could be the only thing that got me through my rough teenage days.

I remember my friends used to say I’m delusional or I dream too much. And that dreams will only make you fly and crash you back to hurt you. Well, friends, I just met Cannavaro. This time, LITERALLY.

He retired last month, 13 years from the first time I saw him playing football. Since then, I knew soccer won’t be the same again without him. I kinda felt deeply sad as I realized I won’t ever see him because he stopped playing soccer. How would I ever meet him without going to Italy, buy an expensive ticket and watched him play?

Somehow, dreams do come true. Somehow Universe, once again, do me a favor. From 196 countries, he chose to go to Singapore to promote Soccer. And out of 196 countries, I chose Singapore to runaway to.

So, the two tiny dots on this big earth could finally cross each other. Thank you, universe.

There he is

I was only “Oh my God, Oh My God, Oh my God!” when everyone asked him for his signature. Then he still signed my training pass. He also signed the Italy Jersey that I wore (and now will never ever be washed ever!).

I was a neurotic fan. I was frozen in front of him. I was very happy, I could die! Even writing about it now still makes me shivering a little bit.

Fabio Cannavaro was super awesome! He was friendly, nice and really down to earth. He was just like an ordinary guy, with an extraordinary talent.

He didn’t speak English well. He only greeted us “How are you?” with an Italian accent and said “relax, take it easy…” when people was crazy asking his signature. He waited until nobody asked anymore signature then he left, “no more? Okay then. Thank you! Goodbye!”

I stood exactly in front of him. I just stood there, catching every ion, and taking as many as mental picture since we were not allowed to take picture with him.

I stood half meter in front of my lifetime hero. I must be the luckiest bitch ever existed in this world.

Well, never let anybody in this world to tell you that it’s just a dream. People who’s afraid to dream are cowards and pathetic. Let’s dream! Let’s wish! Let’s ask stupid things! Coz guess what, it might come true. :)

This is a moment to remember. This is one of those stories that I would tell my grandchildren over and over again. Thank you universe, to once again, reassured me dreams do come true.

I got Cannavaro sign my Jersey!

All we gotta do is believe.

We should’ve never questioned True Love

I just watched this movie, “Letters to Juliet” and it was fascinating! The plot was actually very common for a Hollywood love story. I mean, I watched tons of these kinds.

But somehow this movie stole something from me. Maybe it was the setting (the world’s capital love story: VERONA), maybe it was the soundtracks (couple of Colbie Caillat’s, Italian Orchestra and Taylor Swift’s Love Story) or maybe it’s simply because believing True Love isn’t that naïve anymore.

The opening of the movie itself amazed myself that I needed to hit ‘pause’ button and wrote it on my twitter. :p

Well, I’m not writing a review for this movie. I just felt the urge to write right after I watched the movie, coz Sophie (the leading lady) wrote a story from a scratch on her little notebook (not the electronic notebook!) and I felt I was a bitch when I said I didn’t write much just because I haven’t got my new notebook (the electronic one!) From now on, I’ll start a book from a scratch, on an actual notebook. ;) Yes, I’ll sell my PC at this end of the month coz I’m moving abroad. I’m not gonna tell you where to yet, but I was pretty stressed about the whole moving thing. Working permit, will my saving be enough, where to stay and everything. I kinda lost my faith a little bit… well I’m not gonna bore you with this irritating problem, coz it’s not the point anyway.

The thing about Sophie I love the most is she believes true love from the beginning to end, without even questioning a little bit.

Naïve? Not Really.

Why? Because when you really believe in something, it will eventually become real.

I grew up believing true love from Hollywood movies, a stack of Danielle Steel’s novels, along with MTV’s top forty love songs. If I think about it now, I would totally think the teenager me is going to die alone. LOL.

But somehow, however impossible it may seem, when you believe it so hard, it will be real eventually. I believed it hardcore. I should’ve never questioned it.

I never witness true love myself, yet I still believe it. My parents are… well, they are great, but they don’t fit each other. It’s a miracle to see them not fighting and blame each other for a day. I get used to it now, I think it’s kinda pathetic but I concentrate more to the fact I didn’t turn out to be one of those cold woman who doesn’t believe in love. I just don’t believe in marriage. I have my reasons, but somehow now I’m open with that option. :)

As Sophie said in the movie, ’What’ and ‘If’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

Always have

Name all the bravest things you’ve done! Bungee jumping, traveling alone to the stranded country where you don’t understand the language, riding the fastest roller coaster, or whatever. But the bravest thing I’ve ever done is following my heart and believed in it. You’ll be surprised how great the courage you’d take when you love someone so deeply.

I’m a hardcore dreamer. And I’ll always be. But you should know that dreams are evolving too. They are compromising you each day.

My dream proposal is: Paris + diamond ring + romantic walk along the Seine river. My dream honeymoon is: Santorini, Santorini and Santorini.

But somehow, I know that it’s not the what, where and how that matters. As long as it’s with the WHO I love, then I’m living my dream.

So?Always will

Let’s BELIEVE! It’s happening!

May

A sanguine’s gotta do what a sanguine’s gotta do

I’ve always been a dreamer.

And I’ve always been a writer.

Being a teacher is nowhere in my childhood diary.

So, when I grow up and I enjoy teaching so much, I thought I was out of track.

I had to move out from teaching track and have a professional career as a writer.  So, I took a job as a journalist in the greatest magazine company in Indonesia. I owe myself to try my childhood dreams.

I had fun, had lots of great experiences of travelling some places. But yet never wrote anything from my heart. I wrote coz I had to wrote. Not because I wanted to.

And writing with pressures with so many rules is no fun, yet not the best outcomes.

So, suddenly, because I felt sorry with myself and my abandoned blog, for instance I quit my job.

Now, 3 days from the minute I made that decision, I’m so relieved to be filled once again with so many teaching ideas, and finding out that, not doing your childhood dreams aren’t always wrong. Loving other jobs beside your childhood’s expectation is very much okay.

So what if I love writing but not deciding it as my career path? I can always write in my blog or publish a book someday (AMEN!)… But I know I will always love teaching. So excited to be back!

Even though most people questioned and doubt my decision… Yes, I quit from Feminagroup, and I feel okay.

Thanks for everyone who support me for going out of track. Expect the unexpected coz, hey… life is full of unexpected things.

No risk No Fun.

May