Broken heart

This is a broken hearted post. No gimmick.

This is a swearing about how I said I never love again,

About how I woke up every morning with a big hole inside my heart,

About how I cried everytime I heard a love song,

About how I constantly missed his body wrapped around mine and how I deluded myself that I actually slept beside him.

About how I was playing possibilities of how my life turned out to be if I didn’t meet him,

About how I was regretting falling in love,

About how I was angry to myself for letting people in,

About how stupid I felt for still loving him after he resented me,

About how I begged, how I cried my heart out, how I manipulated every scenario, how I broke down, how I was so cynical of everything else…

It took me months to recover,

It took me countless sleepless nights with girlfriends, tons of un-replied sms, and a final morning when I didn’t feel the hole anymore.

No, I didn’t exaggerate it at all. Having yout heart broken is the worst feeling in the world. I have never and will never turn down a friend who needs me to be there when they’re broken hearted. Because all i wanted was a friend, and I remember how it felt so bad… to be broken hearted.

If you think I wasn’t strong enough, you’re wrong.

Every woman or man, no matter how strong, how independent and how awesome they are, would still be fallen into pieces when they were broken hearted.

If you think everything I said was bullshit then lucky you, you never had your heart broken.

Falling in love is a risky and dangerous act. Giving your heart to someone and trust them completely? I always thought it was too much, but then I didn’t realize it until it has already happened.

Did I love again?

Did I finally wake up in the morning without the hole in my heart?

Did I stop crying when I heard the sad song for the thirteenth times?

Did I erase the regrets?

Did I finally sleep alone without my girlfriends?

Did I smile again?

Of course, dear… =)

I remember a scene fromĀ sex and the city the movieĀ when Mr Big left Carrie on her wedding day and Carrie was broken hearted and she said to her friends, “will I ever laugh again?”

I cried…. like crazy.

I couldn’t imagine the feeling of being so heartbroken you thought you would never laugh again.

But hey… she laughed again. :”)

I know, seriously I know, dear… it hurts so so so bad.

I know.

But there will be no rainbow without the rain and there will be no sunrise without the darkest dawn.

Maybe you’ll say “Cut that crap!” but I can’t do much now unless saying those craps hoping to make you feel better.

I just want you to feel better.

Because it’s better to love and to lose than to never love at all.

See, I’m saying those craps again.

Don’t worry. You’re gonna be fine. Trust me. =)

I’ll see you in four weeks. And we’re gonna laugh. I promise.

Love always,

Your very good friend.

The Guy With The Scarf

Here I am staring at the moving clouds through this airplane’s window, moving further away from you, leaving you alone, as lonely as my soul now.

You are as free as your green boots could step, I’m a flightless bird. Try living in a conservative culture with a pressure as a man, which you call it privilege while I perceived as a curse.

I remember you kissed my lips while we were arguing about that. You said our time was too short to be used for arguing.

Arguing the things which used to be very important for us. But not anymore since our future is not ours anymore. Now it’s your future. And my future. In two different sentences.

Your face appears vividly in my mind, every single seconds that I’m alive.

Your voice calling my name keeps repeating itself, convincing that I’m crazy.

I swear I would kill just to kiss you right now.

The memories of undressing you, kissing your neck and touch your skin are killing me slowly.

I love you so much I could kill to have you back. I love you that way. You told me it’s wrong. But if it was wrong, then it was wrong all along.

I know you were lying. It’s just something you had to do. I hate that.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. My life after this is just a social responsibility for my culture and my family. My life was with you, your cheeky smile, your snorty laugh, and your memorable green boots. And my life ended yesterday, at the Orchard Road, by a goodbye kiss and a tear.

I am not a person anymore. I am dead. I am left nothing, but this scent of you on my scarf.

May, Above the Clouds, On the Airplane, January 27th 2012.