Why Christmas is so important for a Buddhist like me?

Lately been busy doing stuffs… *ahem* who am I kidding, okay, I admit, this past one month I’ve been busy playing GTA V. Yes, I know as I feminist I should’ve been offended by a misogynistic game like GTA, but oh maaaan the gamer soul inside of me enjoyed it very very much. I have completed GTA V last week and I still love doing the after-main story activities so that’s the main reason why I’ve been so lazy to blog lately.

But after GTA has been completed, I got so busy with my wedding thingy. Arrrghhh doing wedding preparation while you’re on PMS is a bad combination. I cried for such a stupid problems and come to think about it now, I feel embarrassed.

I don’t have any interesting things to talk about but because I have an oath for “post a week”  (thankfully the oath will end on this end of the year so I can write anytime I want again start next year) so I “recycled” one of my favorite post.

Christmas is very near,  so I re-post a Christmas post I’ve written two years ago. I hope it brings smile on your face as it did to mine. =)

I did spend Christmas’ eve with Bandi in the church ever since. =)

Happy Christmas to all! Be merry!


23rd december 2011.

I grew up having Christmas in my school every year since I went to Catholic school from… err, basically for the whole of my school year, even my college year. I knew best about the story of how Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a home for a shelter when Mary needed to deliver baby Jesus, I took part of the Christmas show every year when I was in elementary, I forget whom I played as though.

I love going to Catholic Church especially on Christmas’ eve just to listen the carols and feel the holy night atmosphere. Not once, I likely to shed a tear (yes I’m that drama queen.) Thus, I received this question a lot, “If you really love Christmas and Church, and plus your boyfriend is a Catholic, why don’t you convert to one?”

Because I don’t believe in god.

I appreciate people’s relationship with their gods. I appreciate my man’s relationship with god. I love to see him praying. I know he believes in god. He has this close relationship with his god that I could never interfere and will never understand, not because it doesn’t exist, but because I don’t believe in god. But doesn’t mean something doesn’t exist just because you don’t believe in it.

If you believed in something, it is what it is you believe. And if you didn’t believe? It will never be existed in your mind.

For a record, no one believe my LDR will work, but ta-daa, it does!

As Buddha ever said,

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

I believe my relationship with this universe and Buddhist philosophy. I believe I am stronger each day because of yesterday. I believe in love and human’s relationship between each other. I cherish what I could feel, such as joy, contentment and comfort.

Everyone has their own joy, contentment and comfort. Some finds in their gods. And a lot of people believe a lot of gods. Why bother to insist someone to believe your god? It’s like insisting someone who can’t paint to take fine art major.

Christmas is an event. For the Christians, it’s the day when Jesus was born. For me, it’s a memory, of my fun childhood, of the warmth of my tiny school, of having an unforgettable Christmas’ Eve Mass with my man before he left to USA, of having hopes and wishes.

He is the only Catholic in his family, while the others are Buddhist. He used to spend Christmas alone, went to Church alone and didn’t get used to having presents on Christmas day. I have a Catholic Dad even though he wasn’t so festive about Christmas. So, five years ago, my man and I went to Church on Christmas’ Eve and since then, I whispered to Mother Mary in his god’s house, “I would like to do this every year with this guy, which ‘this guy’ refers to the guy beside me kneeling towards you, praying. And I hope he prays the same thing.”

The Christmas after was bittersweet. He was about to leave the next week, and that time, I hope his prayer was to come back to me. I was so afraid that it could be our last Christmas together.

Years after that were hard times for us, but having the thoughts of spending Christmas with him somehow got me through everything.

It’s so amazing how memory could make people stronger.

So, this Christmas, after 2 years absent from Christmas’ Eve Mass, I would listen those carols and hold that candle again. After the last two Christmases were spent playing “Merry Christmas Darling” on the ‘repeat one’ mode, buying Christmas card and went to post office and skype-ing and wishing to have the next Christmas with my man, the wish finally comes true this year. (<– I smile while typing this.)

I wish everyone to have a jolly Christmas this year and years after. I wish every wish came true. I wish Christmas Miracles happen to everyone. I wish for more candy canes, louder carols, Santa’s tighter red legging, wetter kisses, warmer hugs and creamier cakes. Coz that’s what Christmas is all about!!!

Can’t wait for Christmas day!

Be merry!

Love, May.


Bonus photos from the past Christmases!

Christmas 2011

Christmas 2011

Christmas 2012, Boxing Day!

Christmas 2012, Boxing Day!

Can't wait for Boxing day this year! Yaiy Yaiy!!!

Can’t wait for Boxing day this year! Yaiy Yaiy!!!


May, on festive mood.

A letter to Universe

Dear Universe…

It took me two days to finally have accepted the fact that what happened to me was indeed not a nightmare. It was unfortunately real, which I later call as a lesson, sadly I must learned it the hard way.

What happened was a proof that you control every single thing in my life. The air I breathe, the water I drink in, the wifi signal, everything! And oh, the wind… Don’t forget you control the wind, and the rain, and apparently my window handles.

I have lost some things because you meant it to happen. And the first thing I must remember is… when you meant something to happen, it will happen no matter what. Sometimes, I, as a human, forgot that you had a better plan for me. I would just get angry and complain. How could the documents put secured inside a box got carried away by the wind? If I told people about this, they would think I used the “my dog ate my homework” excuse. And don’t start with the insurance company.

But again, I know you did this to me because you have a better plan.

I have always asked you for a life that is so interesting if it was a movie, and you did give me the Oscar winning one.

It wasn’t a sarcasm. I meant it. It’s just the way I talk.

Dear Universe…

Thank you for the lesson. I can assure you that the learning is in progress. For now I haven’t really understood the purpose of the lesson, but fear not, I eventually will.

Thank you for only taking the least important thing in my life, my belongings that could be measured by money; and keeping the most important things in my life, my future husband and my friends safe. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have such supporting and comforting friends and a wonderful man who would go upside down for my sake and whose only mission in life is to make me happy.

Dear Universe…

I will never forget what happened last Sunday, the day I lost something and gain back my consciousness that I’m truly blessed, that nothing… nothing could break me, because people around me kept me strong.

I will always remember that in this life, some things that were meant to happen will happen no matter what, and that’s never my fault or anyone’s.

I will always remember that I can always find the money I’ve lost but I can never  find back the time I’ve lost. I can never turn back time.

I will always remember that no matter how difficult the circumstances are, there is always a way.

There is always a way and I’m going to find it. Because I’m a believer.

Dear Universe…

You didn’t make me reconsider about marrying him. You just made me wanting to marry him more.

There’s saying about “the darkest hour is just right before dawn.” I guess you’re so kind to let us walk through our darkest time hand in hand. It was dark but at least I have the love of my life holding my hand.

With that kind of intensity, I guess it would be one hell of remarkably beautiful sun-rise.

Dear Universe…

I hope this letter doesn’t sound like complaints, because it is truly not.

It is a thank you note for trusting me that I could stand tall against the hurricane. Yes, it is a long and winding road to the dream comes true, but nothing can turn me away. I’m a believer.

I will be the most optimistic girl you will ever know. I will stand tall against all odds. After eveything we’ve been through, I believe you know me. =)

Sincerely yours,

A girl who will always have faith in you no matter how hard you shake it.

Effortlessly Beautiful


This is a repost I made back then on June 2012. I feel like bringing this post back to the current timeline because I had done something terrible that I’m not proud of. I just want to remind everyone (and myself) that we don’t need to feel insecure (even though you’re on PMS) of what other people said. This post brings smile on my face, I hope it does the same to you. =)

Growing up, I’ve never been the pretty one. I grew up okay, with crooked teeth and pimples on my face. My skin has always been tanned because I was always out, playing basketball or chasing kites. I was so freakin happy, I didn’t realize I was physically unattractive. My mom never taught me how to take care of my skin or how to do hair and stuff and my sister went off for college. I was growing up with so many guy friends and not so girly girl friends. I never had boyfriends until high school.

I fixed my teeth with braces and tried to comb my hair everyday (Yes I was so carefree I didn’t even comb my hair sometimes) when I reached puberty and I was hopelessly having major crush with a guy in high school. Anyway I never feel beautiful. I only know and feel that I am a very cool girl that guys like to hang out with, talk about football with and of course they would chase my friends instead of me.

Comes to think of it, I’m so thankful with the way I grew up. I never overrate beauty. I always believe it’s what’s inside that matter, that physical appearance can  deceive you. Unfortunately I was taking it too seriously by never taking care of my body, which is wrong. It is true that physical appearance can’t tell who you really are, but it is good to look presentable. But beauty is another thing, it is what’s inside. It is the way you laugh and the way you appreciate what really matters in life. And if no guys could see it, then he’s probably not the one.
I appeared to be a little cynical about love back then. (Come on I was teenage and having fun with my girlfriends was all I wanted.) So having a boyfriend never came across my mind. Seeing so many heartbroken stories and facts that guys were assholes and jerks, I thought I would never meet my prince charming. Until I was 20, there were still no prince charming coming with white horse, but deep down inside I still believed in love like fairy tale. Everynight I was daydreaming and creating love story plot. It changes everyday, but the prince would always the same. The guy who will see me the way I am.
Meeting Bandi was a lifechanging moment of my life. I finally understand the feeling of being beautiful without even trying.

It’s true that make up could make you look pretty, but does it make you feel pretty? I admit I wear make up since I was in college, once in a while. Whenever me and my girls went clubbing or attended a party or special events. Make up does make you look presentable, and yeah realllllly make you look good in the photos. But wearing make up every single day of your life is sad. That way, make up is not something fancy to boost up your presentation points, that way, make up is a mask that you wear everyday because you don’t love the way you look originally. When you’re wearing make up to gym, you know you have a problem.

I can’t judge that everyone who wears make up have a low self esteem. I know for some people doing make up is hobby, while some others do have a problem with self esteem.
So since we talk about beauty  I believe we must have stumbled on make up pep talk. Ok, so beauty is overrated. Why do girls want to look pretty? They are either want boys to notice them, or they want to take photos and post it on facebook.
Let me tell you the moment when I feel pretty the most. It was drizzling and i haven’t showered since morning. I was so tired of working my temp job attending ticket counter. At first I didnt know anyone staring at me from afar. But then I realize Bandi has been standing there (I dont know how long) waiting for my shift to end. He smiled at me when I looked at him. He has this look on his eyes that I can’t describe with words. I felt so beautiful by the way he looked at me. He stared at me like he never see a beautiful girl before. This may sound very stupid, but in my life til date, I never feel prettier than that moment. I wanted to describe more about the moment, but I stopped on my keyboard just now, didn’t know what to type. The bottom line is, I felt so beautiful just by the way he looked at me. It’s something magical and unexplainable. (I know unexplainable is not even a word. So, see? no words can describe I have to make up a word!)
And anyway, since that day, I always be effortlessly beautiful.
After that moment, I never have issue with my self esteem, with my pimples or my crooked teeth. When people comments about them, I just said, it’s how I look, like it or not.
When shallow people I met preach me to buy expensive skin care, or push me to lose weight or ask me to stop playing under the sun because I’m so tanned, I never listen to them. I only smile and nod and sometime say “you think so?” so they won’t feel rejected.
But the truth is, there is only one person out there whose thought of my beauty I really mind. And I know in his eyes, I will always be beautiful no matter what. So why bother of what other people say?

Beauty is overrated. Magazines and E! make people think that being beautiful is about fair skin, perfect hair, flawless make up and skinny body. Well people have to start differentiate between beautiful and presentable. If you’re an actress, of course you have to look presentable so people will enjoy seeing you and adore your beauty. But do we expect normal people to be that expensive-pretty too? No way we cannot afford that silliness, financially and mentally. We’re normal people! We just need to find someone who sees us the way we are. And then, we will always be effortlessly beautiful.

Remember what Dr.Seuss said, …for those who mind dont matter and who matter dont mind. :)

Someday all the pretty girls will be old and wrinkly and all the botox in this world can’t save their perfect faces. But you could always have that guy who always sees you with that sparkling eyes, timelessly.

He will see you, in your late seventies, just as beautiful as when you were twenty. No matter what, you will always be effortlessly beautiful in his eyes.
Once you’ve found that guy, don’t ever let go. He’s the one.
I have always been a believer. Love is what changes my life from a sucky cynical crap to what I am now (still the same crap. LOL)
Written with smile,
May.16th June 2012

How do I get here?

Sejak kecil, gue selalu pengen pindah dan tinggal di luar negeri. Kenapa? Simply karena gue mau actively speaking English. (Because I love love love English)

Pengennya sih milih negaranya, mau tinggal di UK (gara-gara Enid Blyton) terus ganti Amrik (gara-gara semua bukunya Francine Pascal) dan akhirnya jatuh cinta sama Prancis (tapi nggak bisa bahasanya) Hehe. Tapi waktu jaman kita remaja dulu, hanya ada dua cara untuk bisa meng-eksport diri ke luar negeri:

Satu: Lo mesti pinter banget, so dapet beasiswa untuk sekolah di luar negeri dan ujung2 nya kerja di luar negeri juga.

Dua: Lo mesti jadi anak orang kaya, so bokap nyokap lo bisa sekolahin lo pake Dollar (atau Euro)

I was neither. Nggak dua-dua nya.

Ada satu lagi sihh caranya, Lo mesti cantik banget dan tinggi so bisa di-rekrut jadi model. Hahaha ini lebih impossible lagi. So, gue cukup sadar diri, gue nggak cakep, nggak pinter dan bonyok gue kagak tajir. Satu-satunya cara untuk gue bisa cabut hidup di luar adalah dengan kerja keras keberuntungan.

Banyak temen2 gue yang bilang gue itu hoki, tapi nggak ada yang bilang gue itu hard-working, karena emang I am not. Hahaha. (Gue mesti cari temen baru nggak sih?)

Gue itu pemalas, tapi mau banyak hal. Untungnya I am very lucky.

Sebenernya luck is a state of mind. Kalo mau gue liat dari sisi buruknya, gue bisa bilang shit hidup gue crappy banget. Ortu gue better be divorced aja deh daripada perang tiap hari, abang gue on crack all day dan nyusahin hidup gue banget, cowok pertama yang gue cinta meninggal pula! But then entah kenapa, gue grew up with a lot of great friends, yang membuat my teenage years (yang penuh dengan kegalauan kalo kata abg jaman sekarang) turned out to be quite awesome. Entah kenapa juga gue grow up to be a very cheerful girl. Gue lupa sejak kapan, tapi gue selalu consider myself as the lucky one (selain of course consider myself as the sexy one. Hahaha shameless).

Mungkin ini bawaan bokap nyokap gue yang selalu bilang “Ya udah untung kamu nggak kenapa-kenapa” setiap kali gue kenapa-kenapa. Kalo dompet gue ilang, nyokap bilang gitu, sepeda gue ilang dia bilang gitu, gue jatuh ke kandang ayam trus jidat dijait juga bilang gitu. (Woy padahal gue kenapa-kenapa bo!) So I ended up always saying “untungnya…” dan gue selalu merasa gue hoki.

Ke-hoki-an gue ini mencapai puncak nya waktu gue SMA. Waktu itu gue, nyokap dan abang gue tinggal di Bogor dan Bokap gue kerja di Jakarta. Dia pulang tiap weekend doang. Abang gue mulai balik lagi ke addiction nya dan nyokap takut dia masuk penjara jadi nyokap mau kirim dia ke China. Di-ekspor lah jauh-jauh biar nggak berurusan sama polisi. Karena jatah uang abang gue udah abis (dia pindah lima biji SMA bo! Bayangin tuh berapa puluh juta abis buat bayar uang pangkal) nyokap gue pake jatah uang yang mestinya my college fund untuk ship him off to China. Walhasil, I don’t have college fund. So, how am I going to go to College???

Disinilah pertama kalinya I believe in miracles. Gue dapet PMDK dong. Hahaha! Gue kagak pinter deh, sumpah! Gue cuma masukin application itu sekali dan cuma satu Uni, and I am accepted to the only Uni I applied!!! Hahaha hoki abis. Jadi deh duit masuk gue ke College waktu itu cuma bayar sks doang. Hahahaha. Waktu semester 2 akhir, bokap gue kena heart attack, terus dia nggak bisa kerja lagi. Dia balik ke Bogor dan stay sama nyokap di Bogor. Ini artinya both of my parents nggak menghasilkan uang dan I had to quit college. I was so broken hearted and devastated.

Again, my luck has never left me. Sejak semester 3 gue dapet scholarship sampe gue lulus. Again, GUE KAGAK PINTER deh, sumpah! Gue bisa dapet beasiswa karena gue aktif di kampus dan gue jadi ketua organisasi Kakak Asuh gitu. Gue bilang ke admin Jurusan gue kalo parents gue stop working dan gue applied for a scholarship and I got it! =) Sebenernya the whole process is complicated. I make it sound so simple, aren’t I? Yah maksudnya gue mau menceritakan tentang luck-nya dulu nih.

Intinya, gue lulus. Nyokap gue berderai-derai air mata deh waktu gue lulus. Dia bener-bener nggak nyangka gue bisa graduated, jadi sarjana!!! Hahaha. I was so happy too. I reached a phase in my life that I believe in miracles. Faith. And pure luck.

Gue masih tetep mau tinggal di luar negeri, tapi again, gue kagak pinter, tajir atau super cantik. So I hold that thought. Apa gue hook up sama bule aja yah di Bali terus bilang gue hamil biar gue dikawinin terus diboyong kesono? Apa gue jadi flight attendant aja yah? Apa gue jadi imigran gelap?

Banyak deh ide gue buat bisa cabut dari Indo. Bukan karena gue gak cinta Indonesia, tapi simply because gue mau ngerasain hidup abroad (and the fact that I don’t wanna live with my mom). Hahahaha. Nyokap gue sih orangnya asik, kagak pernah ngelarang2 gue, mau gue nggak pulang semaleman juga dia nggak pernah nanyain, terus nyokap kalo lagi lempeng asik diajak ngobrol, dia suka baca buku so kita suka tuker-tukeran buku dan bahas buku. Tapi nyokap gue rada sangat neurotic, jadi gue bisa ribut besar sama dia untuk beberapa hal dan because I love her, I can’t stay with her.

Long story short, gue memulai karir sebagai freelancer di Jakarta. Gue ngajar Phonics ke murid-murid international school dan I was paid quite well, enough to financially support my parents. Ada lah sisa sedikit untuk ditabung.

Mau tau nabung untuk apa? Untuk kabur ke Singapur! Haha. Semua orang bilang gue gila. Lo mau kerja apa woy? Lulusan ilmu politik pula, experience nya cuma pernah ngajar dan jadi jurnalis tiga bulan. Gue sendiri juga kagak tau.

Gue cuma bilang “I believe in my luck.” And they said “Don’t push your luck too far.”

Setelah 2 tahun gue nabung, gue kantongin duit $2000 dan cabut ke Singapore! CAN YOU IMAGINE IT? Tempat tinggal gue pertama kali gue hijrah ke Singapore horrible banget deh! Gue tinggal serumah sama uncle-uncle genit yang suka nggak pake baju! X(

Untung roommate gue baik jadi kita watched each other’s back. Gue denger cerita-cerita anak Indo yang juga mencari peruntungan disini, mereka nunggu 2 bulan atau 3 bulan untuk dapet kerja. Emang duit segitu cukup buat gue? Mereka sih enak dapet suntikan dana dari orang tua nya, nah gue? Kalo gue nggak dapet kerja, emak bapak gue mau makan apa bok? Apa, hah? Apaaa? (jum in jum out)

Gue sempet mikir sih, kalo dalam sebulan gue nggak dapet kerja, gue bakal balik lagi aja ke Jakarta dan mulai freelance gue dari nol lagi. (Saat itu gue udah hand over semua murid gue ke orang lain) Waktu gue bilang ke nyokap gue soal rencana gila gue itu, nyokap gue kagak worried sama sekali loh. Gue bilang ke dia, “Tapi entar kalo aku gak dapet kerja, kita makan nasi pake garem aja ya!” Dan dia cuma ketawa. Nyokap bilang gue itu anak hoki, jadi pasti berhasil dapet kerja.

And she’s right. =)

On the third day in Singapore, I already got a job. (And I’m still in this job until now. Haha) Sumpah gue nggak percaya banget kalo segitu cepatnya dan segitu gampangnya gue dapet kerja! Ini nggak pake koneksi orang dalem atau gimana. Gue cuma happened to stumble on a two weeks old advertisement dan applied for the job. After I applied for the job, gue baru tau kalo itu koran lama. Eh gue langsung ditelepon sama manager nya, dia bilang orang yang di-hired seminggu lalu baru dipecat, dan dia liat resume gue masuk hari itu dan minta gue kerja ASAP.

Kalo bukan pure luck then what the hell was that? My best friend who was in Singapore that time shouted, “YOU’RE LUCKY BITCH!” Hahahaha. I am.

And it happened. I live abroad. Mungkin belum di Prancis. But I do live abroad. Bukan karena gue pinter, bukan karena parents gue tajir melintir, bukan karena gue cantik, tapi karena gue lucky. (And yeah, even though it’s more of Singlish, but I do use my English actively.)

Do you believe in law of attractions? I do. I can’t wait for universe to start another conspiracy to make the rest of my dreams coming true. Full of surprises and exciting.

There was the time when universe surprised me to make one of my dream comes true, and I didn’t even try. It just happened. So yeah, I bet law of attractions is indeed true.

Kadang gue suka duduk bengong sambil minum kopi… mikirin hidup gue yang penuh surprises. Gue suka bertanya-tanya apa hidup gue seru begini karena nyokap gue? Nyokap gue itu… gimana yah. Hubungan gue sama dia tuh aneh banget deh. Kadang akurrr banget, kadang bisa nggak ngomongan ber-bulan-bulan. Tapi satu hal yang pasti, gue seneng nyokap gue udah kasih gue kebebasan bikin keputusan sejak gue SMA. Menurut gue freedom and trust are the value that she passes to me. And I will definitely do the same to my future kids.

Sumpah deh, nyokap tuh nggak pernah ngelarang gue. Dan karena gue kagak pernah dilarang, gue nya jadi lebih hati-hati kalo bikin suatu keputusan, karena gue tau gue yang nanggung semua konsekuensi nya. Gue udah merasa gue jadi orang dewasa waktu gue umur 15 tahun. Gue hidup sendiri sejak umur 18 tahun dan I enjoyed every second of it. Emang mungkin ada negative nya karena gue jadi independent dan sedikit membuat gue cocky dan selfish. Gue selalu merasa gue bisa ngelakuin apa-apa sendiri dan nggak butuh bantuan orang lain, which is I realize now (when I grow more) that it was wrong.

Mungkin kebebasan gue itu juga yang membuat gue nggak pengen nikah. Most of my friend bilang setengah alasan mereka mau buru-buru nikah sama sang pacar karena mau keluar dari rumah. Gue nggak menyalahkan alasan itu krn menurut gue, hidup sama parents lama-lama itu nggak sehat. You have to at least nge-kost bbrp bulan untuk ngerasain hidup sendiri! Nge-kost kek waktu kuliah, home stay ke luar negeri kek, tinggal sama sodara di kota lain kek, yah gimana kek asal ngerasain hidup sendiri. (Atau ini mah gue nya aja yang iri sama temen2 gue yang keluarga nya kompak?! Hahaha)

Nyokap gue nggak pernah sekalipun suruh gue married, nggak pernah nanya-nanya juga apa gue ada planning untuk married. Gue nggak tau juga sih exactly nya kenapa gue gak disuruh married pdhal kan biasanya orang tua kebakaran jenggot tuh kalo liat anaknya pacaran lama-lama, pake tinggal di luar negeri pula bareng pacarnya. “Daripada kamu hamil, lebih baik kamu kawin!” Hahaha.

Waktu si Bandi pindah ke Singapore for good (setelah freaking 2 years of LDR) nyokap gue relieved banget. Dia nanya apa gue tinggal jauh dari Bandi? Waktu itu lumayan lah, 30 menit naik train. Nyokap bilang, cari rumah aja buat tinggal bareng biar kamu aman. Keren banget dah nyokap gue! Akhirnya gue kumpulin temen untuk sewa rumah bareng-bareng biar gue nggak usah repot2 visit each other sama Bandi. At least living in a same roof could bring us much much closer (dan irit duit MRT). Masih ada loh yang nanya, “Emang dikasih sama orang tua lo?” Hahahaha. I am freaking twenty seven years old. Think about that. Terus ada lagi yang nanya, “Eh lo ke Eropa berdua aja sama Bandi, nggak apa-apa tuh?” Nah yang ini gue nggak tau balesnya gimana… “apa-apa” tuh maksudnya apa? Emang gue mesti bayar mahal-mahal ke Eropa untuk “apa-apa”? Di belakang semak-semak juga bisa kaleeee!

Kadang gue suka mikir juga, (ah kebanyakan mikir lo May) kalo gue punya keluarga yang harmonis kayak di film-film jaman 70-an gitu, mungkin hidup gue beda. Kalo bokap gue kagak heart attack yang pertama (waktu gue SD) mungkin bokap gue udah tajir melintir banget skrg, terus kata Bandi kalo gue anak orang kaya gue bakalan jadi tipe cewek-cewek spoiled brat gitu yang kalo turun mobil mesti dibukain supir dan kerjaan gue cuma naik turun pesawat keliling dunia pake koper Louis Vitton. Hahahahaha

But then gue inget, I am a lucky person. That is why universe didn’t turn me into that spoiled brat. Hidup gue yang sekarang itu exactly the life that I wanted. All the tears and wounds had made me what I am today. =)

The luckiest moment in my life is probably the day I met Bandi. He is no doubt the best thing that had (and willl ever have) happened to me. I’ve been sharing fears, dreams and happiness with him all these years and I finally understand what true love is.

One time I sent a letter to my mom, telling that I fell in love with Bandi but I was scared that someday our relationship would turn like hers with my Dad. She said that it won’t and again I must trust her that if she said it won’t, it means it won’t. I did trust her. =)

This post supposed to talk about my luck and my journey to finally terdampar di Singapore, dan seharusnya penuh dengan filosofi2 kacangan gue. Look how nggak jelas this post turned out to be.

Whatever, what do I know, right? I am twenty seven (in a couple of days) and while other woman is planning future for their babies, I am blogging about sotoy philosophy. Hahahaha. But one thing for sure though. Sometimes Most of the times, all you need is a little luck. ;)

"LUCK" ring.

the little luck.

Cheers, May, the lucky one.

P.S: I am writing this to remind myself who has been quite ungrateful lately of how lucky I am.

P.P.S: Dear Colson who probably didn’t understand shit about this post. Don’t worry, sir, you don’t miss a lot. This is just my hormonal crap. Hahahaha!


This is a personal post. Please respect any of my point of view and I’m not asking for anyone’s advise or critics. It’s just one of my personal writing when I wanted to talk and not listen back.

Today is a good Friday, known as the most important day for Catholics. (Yep, not, Christmas, but Easter day.) I have spent 18 years of my life studying Catholics, got myself mostly A for the Catholic subjects on my Catholic school. I grew up with my Catholic dad, knowing that I was born Buddhist but never even once did he try to push me to become Catholic.

I grew up in a mixed religion belief society. My neighbor came from Padang, she’s a moslem and my mom used to ask for her help to look out for me whenever I was alone at home. Sometimes I went to her house and ate the best rendang I had ever tasted in my life. It was the first time in my life seeing someone did Shalat. My sister is a Christian and my mom has a very strong (a little extreme) Buddhist belief. I think I was pretty open with religion and decided not to choose any of them first.

However I got more and more comfortable with the religion I was born with. I grew up to be a logical person and found that my religion made sense so since I was in high school, I started to chant and until now, I’m pretty set for my faith.

I always belief that faith doesn’t have to do anything with religion, but since I’m Indonesian, religion took a very important part of everyone’s life. (Hey, ini ada di sila pertama pancasila kita, how obvious is that?) I wanted my future kids to have religion too, but even though they don’t want to choose any of them, I’ll try to be okay. Then I met Bandi and he was born Buddhist too but he, too, got his freedom to choose and he converted to Catholic when he was in junior high school. He told me that nobody came on his baptism day (and I almost shed a tear writing this). It’s not that his family didn’t support him at all. His mom began to understand and eventually supported him to choose any religion he believed in.

We knew we had different religion when we started going out and not that it didn’t matter at all, it was just not a very important thing for us on that time. We thought that different religions won’t cause any bad things. (we still do, FYI).

So on his Chrismation day, I had a very important (international related) UN meetings (because I studied international politics) so I was really sure I couldn’t make it to the church. He had been taking a Chrismation course for that to finally happen and I didn’t want him to be alone again, like in his baptism day. I blew off the last minutes of the assembly and went straight to the church (still wearing suits and heels!), seeing him being chrismated. And I gave him a handmade Rosario with his name and my name on it. =)

He then admitted to me that he had always wanted a catholic girlfriend, and of course future catholic wife with catholic kids. But having a Buddhist girlfriend who would made him a Rosario was kinda cool too, so he settled for that.

Since then, I told him I would go with him to the church every Christmas day and Easter day. And he went to my Buddhist discussion meeting once in a while to get to know what my belief is about. One of my colleague raised eyebrows hearing this but I told her it’s working, well at least for Bandi and me. It’s been seven years and it’s been going pretty well and I don’t plan to do any changes anytime soon.

So yesterday morning on the Holy Thursday, I was texting with my bestfriend, Strawberry (I talked about her quite a lot) and she told me she was going to the chruch that night with someone else, not her boyfriend. I told her I could read the sadness. Her position is the same as me. She’s a Catholic with a Buddhist boyfriend. Then it hit me, since when we tried to label people, whether my boyfriend is Catholic, and your boyfriend is not or my other bestfriend’s boyfriend is Moslem and blah blah blah.

Why do we make a big deal about this? We used to never label people!

“Because on this age, we’re planning a family,” she said. “That is why Avocado is converting her religion.”

(Avocado is my other best friend. We used to alwaaayyys hang out together. Here is a pic of us for a refreshment. LOL)

Three of us

Of course I thought about having a family and how religion must be one of the important part of it, but I don’t know it would be this serious. I used to think Indonesian made too big a deal about religion, such as PACARAN BEDA AGAMA and the fact that you can’t marry unless you two have the same religion. I do still think it’s not right too, but… I love how Indonesian people have faith.

Since living here, I realize something missing from this country, and from Malaysians as well, which is a religion. They don’t have religion. I’m not against Atheist people, but it’s always nice to have one last place to run to, and that is your god, no matter how you call it. Whether you call it Jesus, Nabi Muhammad, Buddha, or Khrisna, it’s nice to have ‘someone’ to talk to. The kind of relationship that’s only understood by the two of you and no one, NO ONE can interfere. So if you really need to be cut off from religion, please at least be agnostic. Having a faith is kinda awesome.

I probably had a little disappointment when Avocado converted her religion ‘just’ because she was getting married. I always argued with her about it but in the end, she was still converting. However now, I can’t see it plainly black or white anymore. Converting religion is just another choices that people must take and again, it’s not us to judge. If they think it’s right, then it probably is for them.

So, do I want to have a one religion family? Well I don’t know. I know it would easier of course but don’t you think meeting a very strong minded Catholic guy has a reason? So that my kids would see a beauty of differences and having different opinion or perception are not wrong. So that my kids could adopt the logical Buddhist value and also receive gifts at Christmas? Would I confuse my kids, like almost everyone said to me when I told them about my vision? No. Because my kid will be one hell of a smart kid! If a kid couldn’t handle the differences between his/her mom and dad, don’t you dare expect him/her to be a president.

Well, I’m glad I talked to Strawberry the other morning. She got me thinking that it is perfectly right for me to have a Catholic boyfriend and future Catholic husband. I remember my mom insisted that Bandi should convert back to Buddhist and I told her that’s not gonna happen and she said, look how me and your Dad turned out to be.

Well I’m not gonna be like you and Dad.

And I personally think even if my dad was a Buddhist, it will never work either. And I will NEVER throw away what I have with Bandi now just because he doesn’t believe in the same god as me. I met him for a reason and I know we can do this. We’re gonna turn this differences to be a beauty that even my mom couldn’t see, hopefully would be understood by my future kids.

I told Strawberry I know how going to church together and pray together with a spouse is very important in a marriage life, but I’m going to risk it. Just like what I did all of my life, I always took chances. This is a chance I’m willing to take. I will do whatever it takes to make it work. I’m going to the church on Christmas and Easter and he will accompany me praying on Vesak Day and he would strengthen my faith for acquiring the scroll by reminding me to chant every single day. If Bandi and me believe in it, then I don’t see why this is not going to work.

I hope my Strawberry finds her answer very soon and I really hope that she could find the differences as beautiful as I see it. If god created us with such a creativity, I don’t understand why differences would harm us. As long as we love each other and we don’t hurt anyone else, I’m gonna keep it my way.

But however, it’s just me doing my way. It doesn’t mean other people doing their ways aren’t right. There are always million way of perceiving things and it’s time for your own conscience to make the decision.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

Believe nothing

For those who celebrate it, Happy Good Friday! =)


May, without gimmick.

In a (serious) relationship

How many of your friends are in a relationship on their facebook page? Must be hundreds. But how many of them are in a serious relationship that’s actually going somewhere? You know, not the lovey dovey “Honey I love you mwach2”-wall posts but the meet-the-parents kinda relationship.

A friend asked me, if Bandi was just a fling, how did you manage to have a freakin seven years fling?

Well, my friend, of course now he’s not a fling anymore. He’s my boyfriend and we’re in a relationship. Ahem, in a serious relationship. But then I remember that Bandi supposed to be just a fling, how on earth I’m still with him now?! And when was the moment of transition from a casual dry-hump (pretend this is a very funny joke) to a “where do you want to live after graduation?” talk?

I don’t wanna talk about the moment when I knew he’s the one or that I wanted to marry him because that gives me creep . This is the a-ha moment when I knew that he is serious with me, that this is going somewhere (hopefully going to Paris. hahaha. pardon my obsession.)

The A-ha Moments

I asked couple of bloggers and friends and I love how it turned out. They all started to write essays of how the a-ha moment appeared. I agree with every points I’m writing below and I can really relate to every one of them. Every moment will strengthen your feeling towards your partner.

However I also receive a lot of emails saying that they don’t have their a-ha moment, that it is actually a series of personal confirmation of the feeling itself. I guess that makes sense too because everyone has different characters and way of thinking. I, myself, haven’t found a real a-ha moment that could really confirms that he’s the one, and maybe I never will because for me it’s also a series of serendipity. =)

I think that some people only need one a-ha moment for a confirmation, while some others are so self centered they ask for series of confirmation. Hahaha. relax, me too.

So, these are some of the most chosen a-ha moments:

  1. When we believe in the same thing. May it be a religion, a political party or a marvel superhero, people who believe in the same thing usually works for long term, whether it’s a romantic relationship or friendship.
  2. When we shared our dirty laundry. Not literally (Although it also might work literally). This is also the moment when you know it’s a serious relationship because when you share your darkest secret, you knew you can trust this person you share to and what’s better than always having someone you can trust around you? =) That will lead to the future projection of spending the rest of your life with him/her or even serious, marrying him/her.
  3. The sacrifice. This applies both for the sacrificer and sacrificee. (If there were even those words.) Have you ever found out you’re doing something you wouldn’t do normally or something you didn’t like, without even broken a sweat? You’ve done it happily with thoughts that you’re doing it for him/her. You would send her home no matter how far her home is (the further is the better so you can spend more time with her.) Or even more serious, some men would actually die for the women they love.
  4. When we travel together. Always ALWAYS go travel together (just the two of you) before you decided to get married, and not the honeymoon-y kind of travel when you stay at 5 stars hotel and have tour guides all the time but the backpacking kind of travel. Stay in not so good hotel, find out your own path to the museums in the middle of nowhere that you can’t even read the map because it’s written in foreign alphabet. Fight and make up and keep traveling. I have so many friends telling me that they got the a-ha moment when they travel together. SERIOUSLY a lot of blogger friend telling me this. To quote from a man who’s gonna celebrate his 50th Marriage Anniversary soon, “A couple that survives a holiday can survive anything.”
  5. When I’m sick. That is when you wear no make up, grumpy and probably showerless for quite some time. The a-ha moment would probably appear between the times of cleaning up your vomit and feeling happy to see you finally get well.
  6. Distance. I don’t wanna ever encourage this, but sometimes Long Distance Relationship could be your awakening moment when you realize that your life is still going on, but would be much MUCH better with him/her around. And that’s the a-ha moment when you know you want spend more time (or the rest of your life) with him/her.

It gives me hope that now I realize so many people still believe on their guts, and I’m so happy that this question opened a gate of great conversations and great love stories that people shared with me. I’m so touched with how fellow bloggers would love to spend their times writing me long emails about their love story. Thank you Dian, Dea, Wu, Arman, Tantri, and Jerry for the well-written essay attachment. =)

At first I only hoped they would reply me for such short and simple sentence because I guessed they would be too busy or something, so I was so overwhelmed with everyone’s nice replies. And reading their love stories brought smiles on my days.

I ALWAYS LOVE TO READ LOVE STORY. So, random people, you are always welcomed to email me your love story, any kind of story, just to make my day. =)

My stupid a-ha moment

I don’t wanna talk about the scary stuff like whether he’s the one, or something like that. You know I don’t take relationship too seriously so I guess I’ll pick this particular moment as my a-ha moment.

For me, I knew that I started to be in a serious relationship when I first farted in front of him. I think it was about around the 9th or 10th month of the relationship. I did it and he asked, “Did you just fart?” and I was so embarrassed I put a pillow on my face and said “yes” very softly. He laughed his ass off. He later confessed that he was so relieved that I initiated the first fart so now he didn’t need to hold the gas and went to the bathroom everytime he wanted to fart.

And until now, everytime my friend talked to me about their relationship, I would ask, “Have you farted in front of him?” because that’s how you set the bar of how serious your relationship is.

I had a friend who got married only after 6 months of relationship, she hadn’t even farted in front of her husband and I was strongly against the wedding. I told her that you should ever marry someone who never farted in front of you! But I think that came out wrong because she did marry him anyway. =(

When I talked to Bandi about a-ha moment, he would automatically sit up straight and look serious. (Like that would make a lot of difference.) Being the contrast of me, he is very stable with his feeling. He always knew that this relationship going somewhere and he never backed out even I acted all drama about it.

It was when I bought a one way ticket from US to Singapore.

That is why he never doubt about us, that is why he is the stronger one. Because he had his (probably more exploding than a-ha sound) moment when he knew that I’m the one.

Compared that to my farting a-ha moment, I’m so screwed!!!

So, here’s a sharing wisdom… If you have a crush on a non-single guy, try to find out whether he already farted in front of the (stupid) girlfriend, if he hasn’t, you still have a chance!!! Don’t give up! *throw confetti*

Cheers to all the farting couple,


Dreams do come true.

13 years ago, I never thought this would happen. However, I dared to dream.

From my previous post, (here!) it was very obvious how a man named Fabio Cannavaro really helped me go through my unstable teenage life. Almost every night before I slept, I daydreamed about how I would meet him again someday. Some dream was very simple, some was beyond reality, such as he’d take me to outer space or I became his manager and won scudetto together. It might sound silly, but that could be the only thing that got me through my rough teenage days.

I remember my friends used to say I’m delusional or I dream too much. And that dreams will only make you fly and crash you back to hurt you. Well, friends, I just met Cannavaro. This time, LITERALLY.

He retired last month, 13 years from the first time I saw him playing football. Since then, I knew soccer won’t be the same again without him. I kinda felt deeply sad as I realized I won’t ever see him because he stopped playing soccer. How would I ever meet him without going to Italy, buy an expensive ticket and watched him play?

Somehow, dreams do come true. Somehow Universe, once again, do me a favor. From 196 countries, he chose to go to Singapore to promote Soccer. And out of 196 countries, I chose Singapore to runaway to.

So, the two tiny dots on this big earth could finally cross each other. Thank you, universe.

There he is

I was only “Oh my God, Oh My God, Oh my God!” when everyone asked him for his signature. Then he still signed my training pass. He also signed the Italy Jersey that I wore (and now will never ever be washed ever!).

I was a neurotic fan. I was frozen in front of him. I was very happy, I could die! Even writing about it now still makes me shivering a little bit.

Fabio Cannavaro was super awesome! He was friendly, nice and really down to earth. He was just like an ordinary guy, with an extraordinary talent.

He didn’t speak English well. He only greeted us “How are you?” with an Italian accent and said “relax, take it easy…” when people was crazy asking his signature. He waited until nobody asked anymore signature then he left, “no more? Okay then. Thank you! Goodbye!”

I stood exactly in front of him. I just stood there, catching every ion, and taking as many as mental picture since we were not allowed to take picture with him.

I stood half meter in front of my lifetime hero. I must be the luckiest bitch ever existed in this world.

Well, never let anybody in this world to tell you that it’s just a dream. People who’s afraid to dream are cowards and pathetic. Let’s dream! Let’s wish! Let’s ask stupid things! Coz guess what, it might come true. :)

This is a moment to remember. This is one of those stories that I would tell my grandchildren over and over again. Thank you universe, to once again, reassured me dreams do come true.

I got Cannavaro sign my Jersey!

All we gotta do is believe.

When people said you can’t, it means you so CAN!

I should’ve never questioned my luck.

This story started when I rode a trans-Jakarta Bus about one year ago, and got fed up by it. I hated the city so much, people kept staring and saying harassing stuffs to you. I got mad every single effing day, I acted rude to everyone, I was a bitch and i didn’t like the person I became.

I knew complaining won’t ever change anything, so I got this idea. “I should move out from Jakarta!” But there are no other cities in Indonesia that could offer you more money and more opportunities than Jakarta. And I can’t be too idealist either about the money since I support my family now.

So here comes another idea, crazier one, “I should move out from this country!”

But where? how? whom I’m gonna stay with? and so on and so on.

I visited Singapore at the beginning of this year and instantly fell in love with it, thinking it’s a perfect place to run away. The economy is rising, not too far from home, safe environment, high salary, could go to the zoo anytime :p and suits my OCD since it’s very organized. Now all I had to do is surveying my friends who work there. I got positive and negative reviews and long story short, I saved up money to move to Singapore, since living there is not cheap at all! I applied for a working visa, which unbelieveably passed!!! I looked for a room to rent, but no one wanted to rent to somebody who doesn’t have a job yet. But luckily somehow I met this Malaysian girl online and she would like to share her room with me.

So after 6 months preparing, I finally took the flight, the one way ticket to Singapore, daring my luck to surprise me one more time.

And my best friend sent me this picture through email

When Colombus had found America, the first thing he had done was burning down his ship. It means he didn’t have any chance to go back, so he would do ANYTHING to succeed.

And he typed, “Find your happiness there!”

I cried at the gates on the airport, waiting for my planes, looking back at the times I’ve spent in Jakarta. I enoyed the last 2 weeks in Jakarta. I sleptover with my girlfriends a lot, watching Dashboard Confessional concert, had a great talks with my mom and made peace with the traffic jams.

Now I risked everything, my financial stability, the freelance career that I built, my saving accounts. I risked my Mom and Dad, coz I was the one who support them, now I took this effing risk which could probably cost them a financial stability too. I was very stressed out about either I should risk everything or not, so I got a vertigo for the first time. It was beyond ugly! I was throwing up again and again, got a supermassive headache and my mom told me to relax. “Don’t think too much. Everything will be ok and there is nothing more important to me than your succeed.”

I risked it all for something that’s not even real… yet. And everyone told me I’m crazy.

So, it was the moment I commited to pray, every single day. Proudly to say, up until now. :)

I arrived on Sunday, 10 am, 10th October 2010.  Went straight to the rented room, unpack only 10 pair of clothes, couple of instant noodles, and a universe-sized of bravery. :)

On Tuesday I went to my friend’s place to borrow her laptop so I could send out my resume online. She gave me the newspaper and I screened couple of jobs that I might likely to enjoy.

I sent my resume to 3 different companies, and got me to disappointment that my friend turned out to give me the wrong newspaper. It’s a newspaper from 2 weeks ago. An hour after that, I got an email asking for an interview tomorrow. It was shocking, yet exciting!

The next day after that, I got the job. Yep! I nailed the interview and the manager applied my s-pass straightaway. She said, “you are lucky, you know that?!”

I didn’t believe myself either. I am amazingly effing lucky! 4 days here and I got this job already, out of luck. Universe really works in a strange way! I called my mom straightaway and told her how much she’s right about my luck and how grateful I am that she always always believed in me and even though she didn’t, she always showed her calmy face as if she knew it all along.

I remember people saying I was crazy back then, remember people saying “you can’t do that”. Now I get it. Crazy and brave are separated in a very thin line.  I wasn’t crazy, I was just brave. :)

And just remember this,

When people told you, YOU CAN’T DO IT, it means you’re so gonna do it! you’re gonna nail it! Never worry! Universe works in a very strange way. :)

Now I owe myself a credit for being really brave, and definitely will tell everyone that they CAN do whatever they want to do. Live your life to the fullest, everyone! Never worry… Never worry! ;)


We live in a world where good people exist.

Today I complained a lot because it was raining cat and dog. I drove my scooter to the other part of Jakarta and my jeans were soaking wet. I also left home with a frown upon my face.

But universe is so kind to me. I got a very good lesson today.

After 3 hours teaching and a pep talk about resigning, I was ready to go home. It was still rained a little, my jeans were dried already though. Some cars splashed the puddle on me, I got used to it anyway. Just only 500 meters driving, I got a flat tire. It’s not the first time, so I was ok. I was driving my scooter really slow and asked fellow people about the nearest workshop. An old man told me it was only couple of meters away.

He was right. I parked my scooter and let the mechanic examined my scooter’s tire. A middle aged man sat beside me. His motorcycle was dead because some cars splased the puddle and the water got into the engine.

In Jakarta, when the rain was heavy, the puddle could be very deep and when a car went through it, the puddle could splash all over the motorcycles around them. I think it’s really inhuman. Well, I made a promise to myself, when I could finally buy my own car, I’ll always remember this. :)

We had a good talk and it turned out we live in the same neighborhood. The mechanic told me I had to change the entire inner tube because it was broken after multiple patches. I panicked a little coz I didn’t bring so much money today. I only prepared for gas, about 20.000 IDR (2$) and some small bills of 5.000. The tube cost me 30.000 IDR (3$) and the man beside me offered to help. He’d pay the rest of it.

I thanked him million times and he said, “It’s god’s help working through me.”And I replied, “may your god bless you.”

We were stranger, we might believe in different gods, but humanity doesn’t care any of those thing. It feels good to be helped and a lot better to help.

That man didn’t just give me 5.000. That man gave me back my belief and gratefulness I’ve lost in these last 2 weeks.

I am lucky.

Why? If you’re lucky , you didn’t get flat tire at all! I am lucky because I left home with frown and came back with a thankful smile. If it didn’t happen, I might still have that silly frown by now. There’s nothing better than being grateful.

I forgot that I live in the world where good people exist. The universe reminded me today. Now we don’t have to worry anything anymore. We’re all gonna be just fine.

Because… We live in the world where good people exist. So don’t worry! :)May