Coffeed Series: In Motion

I’ve been wanting to runaway since I knew how to read. Thanks to Enid Blyton’s adventurous stories, I dreamt of going away and creating trouble. Books were my best friends, library was my sanctuary. When you had dream, you started to create plan, when you’ve created the plan, you had goals to tick. I’m so goal oriented, driven and just don’t quit. I remember drenched, riding my motorbike in Jakarta and I thought, just a couple of $$ more til I’ve had enough saving to move to Singapore.
I love every adventures I’ve had, I’m used to moving around and not having a place called home. I questioned what home meant for so long until I knew home was not necessarily a place. It can be feeling or people. Even when I travel somewhere far, I can feel homie, even it’s just a stopover I can feel comfortable.
To sit on the train, looking out the window, passing by meadows or farms, the chugging sound of a moving train is so calming ironically. Taking on a bus ride, or driving on a road trip, fly on a plane somewhere, all of them are amazing feelings. No matter where you go, whether you go to a foreign land, or you go home onto your Mom’s arms. Sometimes when you’re lucky, your mind will wander and imagination comes by.
It turns out… I just love to be in motion. I love going somewhere, whether it’s a new place or the same familiar environment, I love the feeling of leaving things behind, I love the feeling of running away. I know this could be psycho-analysed by some shrink, judging me to have some shitty past or whatever, but you know what? There’s nothing wrong on admitting something weird that you love. And for so long, I thought it was weird, until… I shared this feeling with someone, Bandi.
How lucky I am to be able to share my life with someone who feels as weird as I do, who likes the same things, who makes me feel less lonely, less of an outcast?
I’m getting old and no matter how self-assured I am, I do wonder sometimes, should I slow down a little bit? Settle down? Have you ever wondered why it’s called “settle down” but not “settle up”? Because it’s basically a downgrade from an exciting motion! LOL.
I think it’s not about age per se, it’s just when you’re older, you’ve learned more things in life, you enjoy things differently.
Like the other day, Bandi and I went out on a Friday Night date. We had a couple of drinks, fun conversation and after dinner, we walked around Clarke Quay to check out the street acrobat. It was 10 pm and we both yawned, “shall we go home?” I would’ve thought it’s lame to go home early, but god I so badly wanted to go home early, take a shower and rest.
It’s the same thing with our travel. We no longer travel like energizer bunny who sleeps at 1 am and wake up at 7 am. We take things slower, we actually love having our breakfast slow sometimes. Life is so short, I don’t wanna rush it anymore. I wanna make sure every moments count.
The phrase “settle down” scares me. it seems like stopping forever. I don’t wanna stop, I love to be in motion. But if the high speed is nauseating, let’s be in a slower motion. But let’s not stop.
You can’t change yourself to be who you are not, that won’t be sustainable, that’s gonna break. But you can compromise, be more flexible.
For me, as long as we do not stop. :) What’s the weird thing you enjoy the most?

 

Cheers,
May, literally waiting for a plane in Airport.

Coffeed, Prologue: My relationship with coffee.

This is the first of the many of my coffeed-brain rambling about stuffs.

If I could metaphorically explain my relationship with coffee, it would be Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It started in a very young age, on and off, we make up we break up, and some of the break ups are not pretty. But however, just like Selena and Justin, we are currently getting back together.

To be fair, whenever I break up with coffee, it’s never its fault, it’s always me. Indeed, for my case, “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse is genuine.Image result for it's not you it's me gif

Coffee only does good thing to me, in fact I really think coffee is the only reason why I could be such an interesting person, pretty shameless to call yourself interesting but well… Because I started drinking coffee from a very young age, I didn’t remember how I was before coffee invasion, maybe I was boring and dull, I don’t know.

It was because I needed to watch football at 2-3 am in the morning and went to school at 7 am in the morning, I had to drink coffee, it is known to wake you up. But after so many years living with coffee, I don’t think coffee wakes you up physically, it only wakes your brain, but not your body, thus some people experience coffee crash, where they feel so tired, but can’t sleep.

Everytime I drink coffee, I become interesting, I can tell stories very well, I am animated and I become super smart. I’m serious. I think I am pretty smart in general, but when I drink coffee, my brain turns into baby brain, that can absorb things so quickly, I could maybe even fly a plane! The last one is a joke, but I hope you get what I mean.

So I abused coffee, whenever I wanted to write stories, I drank coffee; whenever I wanted to create something, I drank coffee; painted, drank coffee, hung out with friend, drank coffee; watched football, drank coffee; had arguments with Bandi, drank coffee. I drank coffee pretty much the whole life until… my gastric acid said to stop. Or I just got old, I don’t know. I then spent some time away from coffee and went through a gastric medication for a while. Whenever I felt better, I started to go back to coffee again, just like an addict. Then my stomach hurt again and I suffered the whole night and then I quit again. There was even one point when coffee gave me allergy, because it heat up my body and I’m allergic to heat. The relationship was unhealthy at that point of time; on and off and on and off, and I was tired.

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I know, it was not the coffee that gave me a super power to be smart, it was the caffeine. So, I came to look for a healthier option to be caffeinated. I was in South Korea when I fell in love with green tea, so I started to forget about coffee and drank tea daily to fill in the void of my soul. Tea doesn’t have as much caffeine as coffee (come on, even the name caffeine is pretty much taken from caffe, which means coffee – not sure about this, let’s google later) so I had to drink so much tea in order to keep the brain cells jumping. Some days I even drank more tea than water in a day, I’m serious. But the good thing is, tea doesn’t give me gastric.

So, I was coffee-free for about 5 months, and I thought I could finally sing Taylor Swift’s song “we are never ever ever getting back together!”

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But then I started my new job 3 weeks ago, and this job requires more brain cells than I could ever afford with only tea! I knew it that I had to take my super power in order not to only survive, but to over-achieve. Yeah you guess it right, I crawled my ass back to coffee’s warm and fuzzy love. Baby, let’s have a one night stand, I thought.

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I promised myself, only for the first week, because I needed to absorb all the knowledge, then I would switch back to tea again.

Now, it’s my fourth week in, and guess what? I’m writing this under coffee influence.

Coffee is just so good, it makes me feel invincible, it makes me so smart, so interesting, so fun! When I scroll back to my blog posts, I could literally tell which was written under coffee influence, which was not; and if you meet me in person, you could tell whether I had coffee for the day or not.

One day, I was in the airport alone, waiting for my flight while sipping iced latte and I thought, this brain works like maniac whenever I have coffee, I wish I could document what it thinks of, what it wants to say! I boarded my plane and during take-off, le brain kept talking non-stop to me, and I reminisced my teenage days when I drank coffee and started to day-dream like a crack head. I imagined the unthinkable, I dreamt the highest and I created so many scenarios in my head of how my life would turn out. Coffee helped me to where I am today, a place where I feel content, happy and safe.

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Maybe our relationship could evolve from the chaotic dependency, to be matured and respectful. It will always be there when I need but I can learn to love myself more even without it. So I hope this is how Justin and Selena turn out to be as well.

Cheers,

May, caffeinated.

PS: This series is inspired by Domics, my current favourite youtuber, but unlike him, I can’t make animated video, thus, only the story. :)

Fateful days

The year has come to an end and it’s inevitable not to look back to 2017 and start reminiscing all the good things happened in my life, praising myself for the things I’ve done right and accepting the mistakes I’ve made, each I could learn something from.

I made new friends, gone to new places, worked at Facebook, fell in love with tea (yes I’m serious), learned how to drive a car, and accepting flaws of life.

About giving second chance

First impression is important, I agree on that; however, you could miss out on something incredible if you never give second chances. I’ve been to Viet Nam four times; the first time I came was on 2012 (if I’m not wrong), I tried Bun Cha and I hated it. Since then, whenever I went to Viet Nam, I’ve never had Bun Cha. On the Christmas week, Bandi and I went to Hanoi for our friend’s wedding, we had 2 days extra to just chill in Hanoi. Hanoi during winter is the best! That’s what I call a perfect weather.

I gave Bun Cha a second chance and boy did I not regret it! This was not the Bun Cha I remembered. I figured that maybe the first time I ate Bun Cha, I ate it wrong.

This made me realize that giving a second chance is indeed not a bad idea. :)

About Coco and why humans cry

If you haven’t watched Coco, please do, and if you don’t like spoilers, skip this part. I cried in the theatre during… um, I think almost the entire movie when I watched Coco for the first time. I was so drawn into the movie, I got so emotional the whole movie. The second time I watched, though, I cried twice (yes I watched Coco twice in the movie theatre because Bandi wanted to); first, the scene when Miguel closed his eyes, played his guitar while watching De La Cruz on the TV in his hideaway. That scene touched me so much, I cried. Second, of course the famous  Miguel and Mama Coco scene at the end where they sang ‘Remember Me’ together.

I then had an epiphany of why humans cry. We cry not because we’re sad, crying indeed is an action of love. Miguel loves music so much, it too touches me and I cried. I realised I cry watching movies about passion for something, when you love to do something so much, you become so passionate about it, you’d cry!

We cry because we love someone too much. When you lose someone you love, you cry non stop. But you cry not because of the death, you cry because you love that person but you can’t tell them, because you no longer can hug and kiss that person physically.

Obviously we cry because we get emotional, I know sometimes we cry because we’re angry. But, nobody could make you angry unless you let them, and I personally will only be angry to people I love. I wouldn’t be angry to a stranger, that’s a waste of time.

So, why should we be embarrassed when we cry? Crying is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of love. Sometimes when I’m alone, I think about Bandi, and everything he’s done for me, and I’d cry, just because I get emotional, and it soothes me, because I know I love someone this much. Loving is indeed the greatest action in our life.

About acceptance

On our second day of 2018, Bandi and I received a bad news that’s affecting our life very seriously (I won’t tell what it is coz it’s very personal for us-so please don’t ask); so to be honest, we started this year with tears.

It’s not easy to accept something we resent, and we would question the universe and why bad things happen to us. But, instead of being angry, we chose to accept it. We’ve been through a lot together; and we’re gonna get through this too, just like we always did.

No matter what happens, as long as we both have each other, we’ll be fine.

And someday… maybe, we live long enough to understand the reason why this happened. :)

Cheers,

May, having faith.

Drinking çay in Istanbul

There is no word that can describe the feeling when I first drank my Çay (Traditional Turkish Tea), the taste, the way I held it with my fingertips on the rim of the tulip-shaped glass, and the amazing ambience of Istanbul. I didn’t stop drinking ever since; every hour if possible. I have to be honest, food (and drink) usually plays important role on how Bandi and I end up loving the place we travelled to or not; and Turkey scored well on that department. We were really looking forward to every meal.

We started everyday with scrumptious Turkey breakfast; which just like their tea, is a big deal for them. From this experience, I learned the best way to eat my toast: with butter, cream and honey. Mind blowing. Although most of the recommended dishes in Turkey are meat heavy, there were some pleasant surprise of vegetarian options. I turned into a vegetarian most of the days because I simply couldn’t eat meat everyday. I love love love their Lentil Soup, pairing with Turkish famous bread makes it perfect.

Before I continue rambling about food, let’s talk about the city itself.

I rarely fall in love with cities. Cities are not my most favourite place to travel to and only few cities left mark in my memories; London, Tokyo, Rome. So I was surprised when I grew fond of Istanbul organically. Istanbul is visually beautiful, no doubts, but it also has something unique that enticed me. Maybe it’s the culture, the people or the food, I didn’t really know when exactly I fell in love with it.

I knew it was love because there’s something I hate about it, yet I still love it. Turks smoke like they drink their çay, non-stop; and I hate coming home with my hair smelling disgusting.

Bandi and I visited the Sultan Ahmet Mosque, or famously known as the Blue Mosque. I had goosebumps all over me when I entered, it was the same feeling when I first entered Pantheon in Rome, the unforgettable feeling, the wow-this-is-out-of-this-world feeling. It was BEAUTIFUL. Please take note that you have to dress modestly if you plan to go in, you also need to take off your shoes. There is no entrance fee as this is a functioning mosque.

The exterior of Sultan Ahmet Mosque

The beautiful interior

 

Our second stop was Hagia Sophia, which has a very long history. It was a church during Byzantine period. Hagia Sophia has more interesting stories than the building itself. We stopped for a while before we entered, sat on the park bench, just to read the long history of Hagia Sophia, it’s really interesting how this building has witnessed so many revolutions happened. Google for the story, it could be 20 pages long! The main wodden door in Hagia Sophia has been standing since 6th century!

Super old door!

Bandi and I, in the park between Hagia Sophia and Sultan Ahmet Mosque

The third must-visit place in Istanbul is Topkapi Palace. This place is huuuge! Slot some time to really walk around and explore the place. Bandi and I really enjoyed this place, especially the kitchen museum, imagining how it feels to be the chief cook in that era, leading a team to cook for the whole palace (roughly 4,000 people), it was massive in that era. The museum has a lot of information written all over it, so we could really learn about the palace.

Sadly the 40 Lira entrance fee doesn’t include the Harem (the place where the Sultan spent his private life with his family). You need to pay additional 25 Lira to get to know the Harem.

If you’re a Moslem, or interested in one, there is some seriously important artefact stored in Topkapi Palace, such as footprint of Prophet Muhammad, Moses’ staff, and other impressive collections! You may googling more about the list and its authenticity, but it is definitely a must visit!

Our favorite place in Topkapi Palace is the balcony where you can see the sea. It was such a beautiful day in Istanbul, and seriously how can you not love this city?

My only regret is not to spend longer time in Istanbul. I was so mesmerized by the seabirds that followed us all the way when we boarded ferry from the European Istanbul to the Asian Istanbul. There were thousand of them, hovering above the ferry, while cruising from one continent to another. Everything about Istanbul is visually beautiful.

And the vibe in Galatasaray bridge in the evening, full of people fishing, chatting, hassling… A dad teaching his daughter how to fish, a group of friend hanging out while eating fish sandwich, a couple having fun under the bridge, where the restaurants are, and their pink sunset… This city is really special, their sunset is pink color! I love Istanbul, I really do. I will definitely come back because I’ve left a piece of my heart there. :)

Cheers,

May, with a hair as pink as Istanbul’s Sunset.

The Next Hotspot: Ipoh

Have you heard of Ipoh, a capital city of Perak, Malaysia? If you haven’t, you will soon. With the great theme park coming up, more budget airlines opening destinations there and easy access via bus, Ipoh is gonna booming soon!

Thankfully, I have a good friend who is an Ipoh Mali (a local from Ipoh). The six of us took overnight bus from Singapore around 10 pm and reached Ipoh 8 am in the morning. The bus was so comfortable and costed S$45. We flew back to Singapore with Tiger Air.

In Ipoh, try to rent a car and do self-drive. Public transport is not recommended, according to the local guy. Watch our blog in youtube below about all the food we ate and the places we visited. Kellie’s castle was the star! I also listed down the places below.

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Kellie’s Castle, a beautiful surprise in Ipoh.

The full blog of our adventure in Ipoh:

Food and places in Ipoh:

1. Kellie’s Castle

31000 Batu Gajah, Perak, Malaysia

2. Gua Tempurung

Pusat Pelancongan Gua Tempurung,, 31600 Gopeng, Perak, Malaysia

Come early (before 12 noon) if you want to do caving and get wet!

3. Cave Temple

Sam Poh Tong Temple [三寶佛洞] – Cavern of Triple Gems

Gunung Rapat,  31350 Ipoh

— List of eateries we visited (including the GPS coordinates)—

1. Dimsum Place:

Restoran Yoke Fook Moon San Bhd

No. 65-69 Jalan Leong Sin Nam, 30300 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.596819, 101.086496

2. Ice Cendol:

Ice Cendol Kacang near Padang Kelab Kilat

Jalan Bunga Raya, Taman Pasir Pinji, 31650 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.571068, 101.084247

3. Mochi & Peanut Dessert

Hong Kee Mah Chee 芳记(麻芝与花生糊)

572-580, Jalan Queen, Pasir Penjih, 31650 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.573137, 101.086918

4. The Big Tree (where we eat Sagot):

Chung Kee Famous Yong Tau Foo 忠記兵如港大樹頭炸料粉

652, Jalan King, Taman Hoover, 31650 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.582214, 101.085834

we ate:

– Sagot, some other yong tau foo

– dry curry bee hoon noodles

– assam laksa

5. Snow Beer/ Snowflake Beer:

Kafe Sun Yoon Wah 新元华美食阁

(Some stalls in Concubine Lane

7, Jalan Bijeh Timah, 30000 Ipoh, Perak, Malaysia

GPS Coordinates: 4.596117, 101.078861

6. Ipoh Bean Sprout Chicken (Nga Choi Kai):

Restoran Cowan Street Ayam Tauge & Koitiau 高温街芽菜鸡沙河粉

44, Jalan Raja Ekram, Kampung Jawa, 31350 Ipoh, Perak, Malaysia

GPS Coordinates: 4.597580, 101.085842

Opening Hours: 6.30-11PM (Thu-Sun)

–> I swear by Jon Snow King of the North, this is a must place to visit, their food is crazy delicious!!!

7. Ipoh Hor Fun + Cheong Fun (Morning):

Restoran Ipoh Kong Heng 怡保光興茶室

(Beside Thean Chun 天津茶室)

75, Jalan Bandar Timah, 30000 Ipoh, Perak, Malaysia

GPS Coordinates: 4.596385, 101.077912

We ate:

– Custard Pudding

– Satay

– 3 kinds of Cheong Fun

– Ipoh Slice Chicken Hor Fun

– White Coffee (so good I drank Rickie’s coffee and they all complained!)

8. Ipoh White Coffee:

Kedai Makanan Nam Heong 南香茶餐室

(Original Old Town White Coffee Store)

2, Jalan Bandar Timah, 30000 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.593212, 101.077006

The following is other best coffee that May missed out. lol~~~ (Rickie typed this)

Kedai Kopi Sun Yuan Loong 新源隆茶餐室

(Branch of Kedai Kopi Sin Yoon Loong)

Medan Bendahara 2, Taman Taiping, 31650 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.585366, 101.080190

9. The Salted Chicken:

Ayam Garam Aun Kheng Lim 宴琼林盐焗鸡

24, Jalan Theatre, Taman Jubilee, 30300 Ipoh

GPS Coordinates: 4.594757, 101.083371


I hope this post will inspire you to go to Ipoh and I hope you’ll enjoy Ipoh as much as we did! :)

Cheers,

May, loving Horfun

You don’t

You don’t always get what you want in life. The moment you accept it is the moment you become an adult.

You don’t always get the answer from your questions.
You don’t always see the reason behind every actions.
You don’t always venture from your risks.

You don’t always get the people you love to stay.
Oh honey, I hope you do, but in life, you don’t.
Life is so fragile, so short, so priceless.
All the unknowns and the unsure are the ones that give life meaning, letting you try without insurance.
Sometimes you succeed, sometimes you fail.
Sometimes you try again, sometimes you let go.
You don’t always know, dear and you don’t need to always agree with your heart. But follow your heart as it will never be wrong.

It hurts sometimes, I know. But as long as you’re still alive, the pain is still bearable. You’ll be alright, deary.

You’ll be fine before you know it.

You don’t always get to feel the way you wanted to.

You don’t always understand what’s going on in your heart or your head.

You don’t always agree with what you feel or what’s been filling your mind.

The thing is, most of the times you’re trying to fight what’s uncomfortable, when you should’ve just embraced it. Let it sink in, and if it hurts you, then let it hurt you and it will make you stronger.

Nothing in this life, NOTHING should make you feel less. You are you, just stronger, wiser, better, tougher.

And don’t forget to have fun. That’s the only way life should be. Fun.

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I will be happy again.

“Death is what gives life meaning, to know your days are numbered and your time is short.” I heard this sentence in Dr. Strange movie, a week after my Dad passed away and 10 months after my brother passed away.

I’m not good with grieving. I guess nobody is. Death is certain, but timing is relative. I was still healing my broken heart of losing a brother so early in my life, when I received a news that my Dad passed away so suddenly one night, because of heart attack. I broke down and cry. I was shaky and I didn’t know what to do. The first thing I did was opening my whatsapp chat window with my Dad. He just sent me a video two days before and I did not reply him… because I was such an asshole for not having the time to watch the 3 minutes video. And then that moment, I opened the video. It was an advertisement about a Dad and his daughter. The Dad fetched the daughter to school when she was young, just like my Dad and I. The Dad went to hospital and thankfully, the Dad survived. The Dad then walked the daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. At the end of the advertisement, there was a message saying to tell your father that you love them.

I did not.

It hurt me so so so much because I did not have second chance. I wish I did. Oh how I fuckin wish I did.

I flew back home as soon as the sun rose, and went straight to the funeral home. I met my Dad, he was lifeless. I couldn’t believe how painful it was to see him lifeless. I know he knows that I love him. I’m very very sure he does. I always have loved him and I will always love him. Death doesn’t end relationship. I believe both of us know it.

I don’t want to live my life with regrets, I want to forgive myself for not texting him back. I want to be happy again, because I know that’s what he wants too.

That day, when we sent him away and spread his ashes to the sea, I felt a little piece of my heart dissolved. A part of me just left. I will never be the same, life will never be the same again. You know when you miss someone and you can just call or text or fly home? Now I cannot do that anymore. I can’t just call or text when I miss him, because he’s no longer exist in this world.

And oh god, how difficult it is to understand this concept, that my Dad no longer exist, that nothing… NOTHING could reverse this fact. He is dead. He is no longer there. His room is empty now, there were only his things, his photos, his journals, but not him.

It takes some time (3 weeks) for me to finally write this, to finally let the reality sinks in. I have lost a father, whom I dearly loved so so so SO MUCH, whom sacrificed a lot of things in his life for me, for the daughter who didn’t text him back.

My Dad… was the one who taught me how to write journal, cause he wrote one too. It was the beginning of my love affair with books as well and with writings. My Dad… taught me how to draw, before he had a stroke that paralyzed right part of his body. My Dad… was my hero. My Dad could do anything. ANYTHING.

He cheated death so many times, I thought he would live forever. I took it for granted. I thought I had time.

That’s our problem nowadays. We thought we had time.

We didn’t.

We spent so much time and money buying stuffs, which will not mean anything once we’re dead. I spent the whole day cleaning up my Dad’s room, I threw 90% of stuffs from his room. I only kept his journal, his sketch books, his letters, his birthday cards, and his photo albums. Those are memories. The rests are trash.

My Dad… had taught me a lot of things and passed me values all of his life, even after he was gone.

I will be a better person for you Papa. And I will be happy again. Not now, not today… but I will be.

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After he’s gone

*) Disclaimer: This is very personal, please be considerate before posting comments.

I’ve stared the screen for a while, thinking how honest I would write, and wondering if truth is really what I need now… maybe I should sugar-coat to make me feel better, or if that is actually what I’m feeling for real?

1 year from now, 5 years from now or 20 years from now, when I re-read this post, what I will want to know then? What will I want to remember?

I don’t wanna be bitter. That’s for sure.

I like my life, I got to be the cheerful optimist sanguine who goes wherever she wants to.

I don’t plan to change it.

But…

Of course things changed after the tragedy.

Sometimes I woke up in the morning to a weird feeling, like……. some part of my heart died. A small bite in the flesh, sharp pain for a second. That second when I remembered my brother has died, I could literally hear the sound of my heart cracked.

Nothing could ever prepare me for that. Nothing.

Nothing.

Sometimes a scene flashed in my mind, when he hit me or when I slapped his face and it hurt me even more now because it turns out I don’t have any more time with him, no more chance for redemption. And what a painful thing it is for not having a chance.

Our goodbye was never said.

But of course not everything is dark and blue when I think of him, lately I’ve remembered all the fun things we used to do, long long way before our innocences were taken away from us. When it was just us and toys and imaginations. We used to share imaginations, about having our own version of Kentucky Fried Chicken, our version of Dragon Balls, about playing in the clouds, about creating castles. He was my very first best friend…

… Until drugs have taken him away from me.

And I didn’t save him. I chose to runaway, I saved myself only.

Sometimes I wonder if I could’ve saved him… but I’m sane enough to know I should not feel guilty of anything that is beyond my control. I should not be resentful, should not be bitter and angry with the world being unfair. I may be very far from making peace with my past, but I’m on my way there.

Trust me, reading this, you’ll think it’s that simple. It’s not. I’ve gone through any kind of emotions, what-if-moments, resentment, denials, anger, disappointments and even some suicidal thoughts, but then I’ll remember that it’s all temporary. All the pain are temporary. Nothing is permanent in this life.

Whenever I passed by the alley where I talked to him for the last time, I let the feeling sink in. Maybe if I let it in, it will hurt less. I remember every word he said to me.

And he said… he wanted to come to see me.

He never did. But sometimes I feel he watched over me. I just knew when he was watching over me.

When I went back to Jakarta to check up on my mom, She was devastated and broken hearted in so unimaginable way. I came to Jakarta on a mission, to make her happy. The moment I met her, I knew it was an impossible thing to do. And I will never make her happy. Only she could lift herself up again and be happy, and I will wait. I can only wait.

Nobody can tell her to move on. She’s entitled to her feelings and she can mourn and she’s allowed to willow as long as she wants to. I will just be there.

I want to remember and not to feel hurt. I’m wondering if it’s too much to ask. But Universe always gives me what I need. And I believe this time, I will be able to remember and not to feel hurt anymore.

After he’s gone, that’s a new timeline in my life. There was a time in my life where he was still in the picture, alive; and there is a time now when he’s not in anymore. My life is now divided into 2 time, when he was still there and after he’s gone.

My brother is the only family that reads my blog. He would comment on our personal Facebook chat about what he felt after he read my blog, all of them were happy thoughts. He once said he was happy to know that I’m happy. Some time, he would post it on his Facebook wall, a post about our president, Jokowi and a post about my dream-came-true trip to Parma. So I know he will read this post too. :)

Our relationship doesn’t end just because he’s dead. We’re tied with blood and love, it’s unbreakable. He has a kind soul and his soul will live on for eternity.

That’s all that matters.

Nothing matters in this life but kindness you’ve done and joy that you’ve brought to someone’s life.

I choose to love my brother, no matter what.

And after he’s gone… I will still continue to love. Life is too short to hate, to resent, to be bitter and angry. Our heart will never be full by loving too much or too hard, our heart will expand with no limits, it can’t never be full and rejecting the love it gives and receives.

Love will heal regrets.

May. <3

Til we meet again in the Paradise of free souls

Dear Koko,  
I promise I will not be bitter, because love is stronger than regrets.

I bid you the most loving farewell with what I’m best at, writing.

You’re embarking a beautiful journey to the paradise of free souls.

Where pain no longer exists and sadness is long gone.

There is only love, eternal and pure love.

Where you can play guitar and sing as many Richie Ren’s songs as you want.

And you can dance with our late dogs, Dodol, Coka, Cassey, and the others in the rainbow bridge.

Send my best kisses for them too, I will join you all in my time.

Where you can build a fort made up of pillows and pretended you were a king who made so many non-sense rules, just like when we were kids.

You used to boss me around and I frowned but little did I know, that’s what brothers do.

We have a very unique relationship, that only we understand. The kind that’s truly ours. And it will be continuing, our relationship is eternal, just like my memory of you.

There is no longer grudge, we’ve forgiven each other and we’ve passed all the fights and the sad words said. I will still be tearing up remembering you… You know, all the phrase… Delusion, reminiscent, devastation, resentment.

I’m still on earth afterall, embedded with emotions.

But deep down I know for sure, someday I’ll see you again in the paradise of free souls.

You, with your cheeky grin, will be handing me a playstation controller, “ready for another FF game?”

For now… this is the end of your earthly adventure.

You will always be my brother, for death ends only your life, not our relationship.

When I let go off your ashes in the sea, I knew that wherever beach I will go, I will see you. Our relationship will continue, it didn’t end becuause you died, it carries on. You are in my heart for always.

Til we meet again, Koko. I will always remember you.

 
Your strong and independent sister that you’re proud of,

May.

Cirque du Soleil, Essena Onneil and the good news!

There are no catch from the title, they are exactly 3 things I want to talk about in this post. Circus, social media, and good news!

Circus

Bandi and I went to watch Totem by Cirque du Soleil last Friday and it was amazing!!! I seriously couldn’t express how amazing it was in words! They took insanity to another level! Just as I thought it was crazy enough, BOOM! They did another unthinkable show. Just watch it if you have a chance or if they ever come to your city!

Bandi and I, super excited!

Bandi and I, super excited!

The cast!

The cast!

Social Media

You’ve probably heard about Essena O’Neill, a girl (model?) who quits instagram because she lost the meaning of real life. Oooh… sounds pretty serious huh?

By the way I wrote the sentence you would understand my side of this quitting instagram crap. Yeah, I found her move to be a bit hypocrite. She quit instagram, blamed social media for making her doing what she didn’t want to do.

Geez, to cut my preach shot. Let me give you the same situation of her excuses:

  1. A teenager blames sex (without protection) for getting pregnant.
  2. A person blames the candle for burning her house.
  3. A police office blames his gun for shooting the wrong person.

It’s NOT THE TOOL, people!!! It’s ALWAYS THE PERSON.

Hey Essena, It’s not instagram, IT’S YOU.

It’s not instagram who lies, it’s you who are the LIAR.

It’s not nuclear or gunfire who created war, it’s the fucking politicians.

I know it’s easier to blame the tool instead of sitting down, thinking what went wrong with me and admit it to the world that you did something wrong and you will fix it.

You know why people say facebook is bad? Because people can’t stop comparing themselves with other people when they read the newsfeed.

Oh… my high school friend just got her new BMW car. Why couldn’t I get BMW?

Oh… even the ugliest person I know is having a boyfriend. Why am I single?

Oh… This guy went on another holiday again? I didn’t even go anywhere this year. I don’t have anything to post, nothing to show off!

And there you go, BAM! You become depressed when you were actually perfectly fine, single and happy.

It’s not the facebook, not the instagram, not the tool that you should blame! It’s YOURSELVES, people! Yes, you can blame instagram if that will make you feel better (temporarily) but we know it won’t solve your problem.

In this very very vague yet transparent life, I know it’s not easy to be true to yourself, to be authentic, but try your best to be honest. Honesty is like a jewel now and be that jewel. :)

You will never be happy being somebody that you’re not. Be the real you, even though the real you is narcissistic and vain, just admit it… at least you’re being honest.

We all love to see ourselves in the mirror and adore ourselves, what’s wrong with that? It gives us happiness, confidence. As long as we’re not trashing people down, who cares about being vain?

You can be whoever you want, as long as it’s not fake.

Now you know I’m pro social media. Of course I’m pro! What’s not to like? You gotta be kay-poh on other people’s life leeeh! Xp You can stalk Cristiano Ronaldo’s instragram or your ex-boyfriend’s facebook. LOL.

Good News

I have a good news I couldn’t wait to tell you guys!!! I’ve held it for so many months now I will officially announce that…

Bandi and I are…

finally official resident of Singapore!

Woot!

We’ve been waiting for the verdict for a year and last September it was finally approved. :)

It’s been five years since I moved to Singapore for good. It’s been one hell of amazing ride, looking forward for many more of amazing things happen in this life. =)

Now, I’m sharing one of my favorite quote that always gets me excited about life:

Cheers,

May, always excited.