I will be happy again.

“Death is what gives life meaning, to know your days are numbered and your time is short.” I heard this sentence in Dr. Strange movie, a week after my Dad passed away and 10 months after my brother passed away.

I’m not good with grieving. I guess nobody is. Death is certain, but timing is relative. I was still healing my broken heart of losing a brother so early in my life, when I received a news that my Dad passed away so suddenly one night, because of heart attack. I broke down and cry. I was shaky and I didn’t know what to do. The first thing I did was opening my whatsapp chat window with my Dad. He just sent me a video two days before and I did not reply him… because I was such an asshole for not having the time to watch the 3 minutes video. And then that moment, I opened the video. It was an advertisement about a Dad and his daughter. The Dad fetched the daughter to school when she was young, just like my Dad and I. The Dad went to hospital and thankfully, the Dad survived. The Dad then walked the daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. At the end of the advertisement, there was a message saying to tell your father that you love them.

I did not.

It hurt me so so so much because I did not have second chance. I wish I did. Oh how I fuckin wish I did.

I flew back home as soon as the sun rose, and went straight to the funeral home. I met my Dad, he was lifeless. I couldn’t believe how painful it was to see him lifeless. I know he knows that I love him. I’m very very sure he does. I always have loved him and I will always love him. Death doesn’t end relationship. I believe both of us know it.

I don’t want to live my life with regrets, I want to forgive myself for not texting him back. I want to be happy again, because I know that’s what he wants too.

That day, when we sent him away and spread his ashes to the sea, I felt a little piece of my heart dissolved. A part of me just left. I will never be the same, life will never be the same again. You know when you miss someone and you can just call or text or fly home? Now I cannot do that anymore. I can’t just call or text when I miss him, because he’s no longer exist in this world.

And oh god, how difficult it is to understand this concept, that my Dad no longer exist, that nothing… NOTHING could reverse this fact. He is dead. He is no longer there. His room is empty now, there were only his things, his photos, his journals, but not him.

It takes some time (3 weeks) for me to finally write this, to finally let the reality sinks in. I have lost a father, whom I dearly loved so so so SO MUCH, whom sacrificed a lot of things in his life for me, for the daughter who didn’t text him back.

My Dad… was the one who taught me how to write journal, cause he wrote one too. It was the beginning of my love affair with books as well and with writings. My Dad… taught me how to draw, before he had a stroke that paralyzed right part of his body. My Dad… was my hero. My Dad could do anything. ANYTHING.

He cheated death so many times, I thought he would live forever. I took it for granted. I thought I had time.

That’s our problem nowadays. We thought we had time.

We didn’t.

We spent so much time and money buying stuffs, which will not mean anything once we’re dead. I spent the whole day cleaning up my Dad’s room, I threw 90% of stuffs from his room. I only kept his journal, his sketch books, his letters, his birthday cards, and his photo albums. Those are memories. The rests are trash.

My Dad… had taught me a lot of things and passed me values all of his life, even after he was gone.

I will be a better person for you Papa. And I will be happy again. Not now, not today… but I will be.


17 thoughts on “I will be happy again.

  1. Hi may, sebelumnya, gw turut berduka ya.
    Gw jarang banget komen di sini, mungkin cuma 1-2kali.. gw cuma mau bilang, kalau di lihat dari sisi lain, mungkin lo beruntung (dalam hal video itu) karna mungkin itu adalah pesan terakhir yang ingin papa lo kasih ke elo… (that he loves you). Dan pesan itu tersampaikan ketika beliau udah ngga ada (karna baru lo lihat 2 hari setelahnya dan ngga semua orang bisa dapat pesan terakhir yang seindah itu). Mungkin emang benar selalu ada alasan untuk sesuatu yg terjadi. Sekali lagi, gw ikut berduka ya dan sorry kalau ada kata2 yang salah/nyinggung.

    • Hi Vina, sorry to reply this late. Makasih for the soothing words. Gua ga kepikiran sampe sana karena mungkin memang bawaanya grieving dan nyesel but after you mentioned it, it could be true as well. :) it really warms my heart. Thank you. Really. Thank you for saying it, you have no idea how these words calm me. :)

  2. May, lu beruntung! Beruntung masih ada bokap lu pas lu merit, masih bisa dikasih wejangan langsung sama bokap saat nikah, itu privilege luar biasa yang gue gak pernah dapet. Gue juga sama kayak lu, dulu bokap call gue ke US, dia lupa gue lagi ada di SF bukan di Midwest yang beda waktunya lebih lambat 2 jam. Jadi pas dia call masih subuh banget, dan guenya masih ngantuk, sehingga gue males2an jawabnya. Stupidly gue jg gak call back dia. Rupanya itu terakhir gue denger suara dia. Nyesel? ya pasti ada. Cuma ya mau diapain, kita gak bisa mengharap orangnya bisa bangkit lagi. Dan setelah gue jalanin hidup ini, rasanya Tuhan emang panggil bokap di saat yang tepat. Gue yakin Tuhan panggil bokap lu juga di saat yang tepat. So raise your head high, and make your Dad proud. May the Lord accept him in heaven.

    • Leony, Sorry it took sometime for me to reply. :)
      Thanks for the kind and comforting words. yes, it was indeed a privilege for me to be married when he was still there, to have my father-daughter dance with him, to tell him I love him. Amin Leony, both of our dads are smiling proudly on us from up above. :)

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