Today I browsed around the travel websites to find a cheap air ticket for Cinnamon and Apple Pie’s Wedding. I managed to find a perfect timing and price for the ticket yet I didn’t hit the book button.
Yesterday I received phone call from an NDP committee telling a good news that I’ve passed my audition and would be eligible to join a team to perform at NDP this year. I was excited yet there’s this weird feeling when she said “Will you be able to commit a practice every Wednesday and Saturday onward?”
THEN IT HIT ME. I am afraid of commitment. I know it’s an old news but it’s kind of sad to know that I still am. I thought I’ve taken care that. I thought I’ve grown up. I thought I’m settling down.
Why am I still hating the idea of committing and staying put for something? If I bought an air ticket, I knew that I MUST go to Medan on that day, and I was afraid that maybe… MAYBE I’m not in Singapore anymore at that time.
I still love the fact of me living a life of wondering of tomorrow, that next week I will wake up in a different part of the world, or tomorrow I’ll fall in love with a total stranger, or next month I’ll be bungee-jumping off a bridge. I’m still waiting for the impromptu. And I hate it.
I want to settle down. I want to be committed.
I remember the day when Bandi bought our Europe ticket, it was after days of me saying “maybe we’ll do this tomorrow.” Bandi said, “I know why you don’t want me to buy this ticket today. Because you’re afraid that for the next 10 months, you have no other choice than to stay with me.”
I said, “No waaay!”
He said, “Why would it be then if it wasn’t because your silly commitment issue. Geez May, I’m buying you a ticket, haven’t asked you to marry me.” Then he chuckled and hit the book button.
And guess what, now I am so excited about the trip. Sure I was petrified on the day he bought that ticket. It was like a VERY BIG commitment. To save money and keep track for the saving, to keep my job ( I surely can’t resign), to never take leave, and to REALLY fly to Europe eventually, with him. If I wanted to just keep thinking about it, I will never buy that ticket. But Bandi did a little push, and he did the right thing.
So yeah, maybe all I need is a little push.
It’s like when I learned how to ride a bike. I never wanted to let go off my foot from the earth because I was scared.
It’s like when I jumped off the cliff at Boracay. I never wanted to jump ever because I was scared.
It’s like when I learned how to swim, how to drive and how to love… unconditionally. It all was scary at first. Even though I knew it’s gonna be amazing, I was still scared. So I had that. I had a little push.
And I’m glad I had it.
So again, maybe I just need that one push.
May, who is obviously talking about marriage.