The paradox of my life

I never finish my novels before. I had written a loooottt of unfinished novel and had so many stocks of plot. I am a quitter, I know that. That is why I never finish my novel.

Until one moment, 7 years ago, I didn’t know why, I finished my “Paradoks”, a teenlit novel in Bahasa, with a very horrible ending. I sent it to a publisher and got rejected. I was so bumped and kept the script somewhere. I ‘ve showed it to some close friends and they said they loved it but then I thought they were just being nice.

The main character of the novel, Raisa, was actually reflection of me. (I was 19 years old, writing my first novel, of course I must’ve written something self centered.) Although the whole story is totally fiction, I took a little of my character and my personal problem to be Raisa’s.

This novel is cheesy, yet I really love. Because I am really cheesy.

Seven years later, a best friend of mine told me that I can publish my book using the own publisher way, through a website she’s found. I dug up my old harddisk and read “Paradoks” again. I fell in love again with Raisa character and I still love her story. a grown up me, still loving a cheesy love story I’ve written years ago. Only this time, I changed the ending.

Three days ago, it is finally published and can be bought online (here). It’s a self-published though and bought by order but I am so proud of myself, for finishing that 200 over pages novel, written with heart and soul, and 7 years later finally publish it. =)

It’s like having a baby. The feeling is foreign, new and overwhelming.

I couldn’t stop smiling when I held the book. It felt surreal and it was probably the most exciting thing I have ever touched.

This is the “thank yous” part:

Then last night my sister texted me and she said she told my Dad and Mom about this. She said my dad was dancing like a kid hearing about this. I told her coolly, it’s not a big deal. But actually I was freaking happy. I could actually make my Mom and Dad proud of me. That’s a strange feeling. Again, something new in my life.

I am so overwhelmed by everyone’s sincere congratulations and their wishes for me.

I don’t know why I have to wait so long to finally make my writings published. I used to think that I’m afraid of criticism, but then why am I such an active blogger? But maybe, seven years is worth the wait.

I remember my boyfriend asked me one time after he was watching me skype-ing with Renny, my publisher and my cousin, “You are one brave person, aren’t you?”

I asked why he said that. He said, “Have you never felt scared of everything you do? You had a band when you were twelve and you let people laugh on you, you made handmade things for people and you’re not scared they laugh about it? You kept telling people you’re gonna meet Cannavaro and you let people mock you, and shit, you really met him. And now you publish your novel, don’t you scare? Don’t you scare people mock you it’s a bad novel? Why are you so daring to dream?”

That is when I realized, I lived my life with my dreams. I may look so skeptical on the surface, having the sour loveless childhood and mental disorder, don’t believe in marriage or those things, but yeah, I’ve dreamed all my life.

I have always dreamed that I’m gonna have a fairy tale true love, and I’ve found that in Bandi.

I have always dreamed to meet Fabio Cannavaro in person, and fuck yeah, I did. (Who would’ve thought that happened, righttt??)

I have always dreamed to go to Europe, to really visit Ennio Tardini, always dream and always try, I’ll never give up on anything, or on whatever people said.

And I have always dreamed to publish a novel someday. And that someday is today.

So let me tell you, Bandi… I’m never scared because, the worst case was only that all the dreams didn’t happen, that won’t kill me. So yeah, people would mock me, bully me, called me idiots and stuff, but again it won’t kill me. But if it happened, that was the second best feeling in the world (after falling in love with you of course) and I didn’t want to let all the fear of rejections, embarrassment stop me for keeping me away from that awesome feeling. And if you planned to stay with me for the rest of my life, I’m gonna pass this value of life to our children too. (And you need to start to learn being expressive and giving more compliments :D)

The paradox of my life, that beyond all my skeptical realist comment, I am a very dreamy person. I never stop believing.

Life without dreams is so boring that they call it death. So as long as I’m still breathing, I always dream high.

I wouldn’t wanna trade my life with anyone else.

Cheers and drink up!


16 thoughts on “The paradox of my life

  1. “The paradox of my life, that beyond all my skeptical realist comment, I am a very dreamy person. I never stop believing”, i love this part and i love to paste it again HERE to remind u when ur mental disorder visiting :)))
    U go girl! Craving for eloise 7!!! *kabur sblm digeplak* hahaha

  2. I am not expressive and a stingy compliment person but i love you the way i do. It may take me a long haul of train/or jump on the top of the moon to become some expressive person like you. But hey, you love me right? Haha. Don’t worry. Life is full of surprise. Be ready for an elevation of a different level of fear. LOL. I am proud of you like a father to his son but i am more proud of you because you do all of these in your physcotic, impulsive or near to crazy but yet lovable and brave characteristic and attitude since the day i met you. Keep doing what you are doing. My job is only supporting you till the end of your(not mine remember Haha? life. :)

    • Aww,
      This post has succesfully drawn your attention and even more, got you to write long comments!! Oh I’m so blessed! XD
      Thank you for the sweet comment, dear. Thank you for never gave up faith on me no matter how many of my ideas had gone to trashes, how many “This is it” moment of my life that turned out to be “Oh, I didn’t remember that.” Even though you’re fed up with all my changes, you never look down on my dreams. =)
      And I love you for that… and the other thousand nine hundred ninety nine reasons. ;)

      • Just remember when i fed up, Please feed me up with food then it will recharge my power again. hahaha. so sweet that you have thousands of reasons for loving me. but i only have one because its you that’s why i love you. ^.^

  3. I just knew we could do a self-publisihing. woah, thank you for this, someday too, I’d like to have my own book published. We really hv a lot in common don’t we? I had written many unfinished short stories and novels and abandoned for now.. haha. Ini bukunya ga bs shipping ke sg ya? :(

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