I received this message this morning:
He cancelled his wedding.
Well, it’s not the first time I receive an ‘exciting’ news about wedding cancellation. Nowadays people just don’t perceive marriage like they used to. Marriage and wedding are no more scared, no more personal, becoming shallow and cheap. It’s a sad truth.
I understand being 26 years old and unmarried in Asia could be depressing when all your peers keep posting photos of their babies in facebook. Peer pressured might be the primary reason why people got married out of rush. They get married because other people do that. So they follow.
The ones who cancel their wedding, I consider as the lucky ones. Because they were brave enough to cancel. But hey, that doesn’t mean you’re not wrong! YOU ARE WRONG! If you weren’t ready or you weren’t sure, why did you say yes at the first place? Don’t talk trash about how the diamond rings were sparkling or the moment was right. Fuck it! Just admit that you were WRONG.
So my bestfriend whastapp-ed me this morning, talking about this ‘big’ news, how on earth somebody cancel their wedding? In this case, the reason was “She’s not ready.” Well, I might said it before girl, but if you weren’t ready why did you say yes FOR GOD’S SAKE?
Then it got us to a long conversation that lasted the whole lunch,
Then, how would we know we are ready for a marriage?
Sure, wedding would be fun. All the free drinks, white pretty dress, and all the attention to you would be a great reward for a woman. But wedding wasn’t just a one night thing, it lasted your whole life!
My bestfriend and I share the same feeling about our parents’ marriage. Their marriages failed. And we found out why.
So, basically, we both compare two guys, which I would call as a candidate.
Candidate A is the guy that you could hang out as friend, having fun with and of course a very nice guy. Let’s call him “Nice Guy“ With him, you could create a perfect future. He likely to put your name in his imaginary future. Thus, he is your vision.
Candidate B is the guy that you wanted passionately, comes and goes to your life, and of course the jerk who we’re deeply falling in love with. Let’s call him “The Jerk”. With him, you have a bunch of expectation, and the imagination to achieve those expectations keep you going with him. Because the feeling of achieving something is good, but the fact is you haven’t had achieved it. Thus, he is still ONLY your expectation.
So, when we are facing options with this two guys, we would choose The Jerk over Nice Guy. Why? Because women are idiot. We make decisions based on feeling. AND FEELING IS A BAD GUY!
So, we decided to be with The Jerk and we keep putting our expectation that someday he would change for me. This expectation is a time bomb. Because guess what? He will never change. And the expectation would never be achieved and what’s left is disappointment.
Starting a marriage with expectation is WRONG. You suppose to start it with vision. And only with the Nice Guy you could share this vision. Get it? So 10 years from now, you are divorced with 2 kids and 1 big disappointment. You look back and see this before your eyes:
“Nice Guy = Vision / The Jerk = failed expectation.”
My bestfriend and I see this in our parent. The failed expectations. And that is so unhealthy.
It’s just our simple theory about failed marriage. How would we know, we are never married. But we have this big hope that our marriage won’t be like our parents. We are trying everything we could so we would marry the right guy, with the right reason.
We are 26 years old. Unmarried. Not even plan to. So I can’t make sure the theory is correct.
You see, I receive news of cancelled wedding and even one news of not-even-one-year-anniversary-marriage’s divorce and that made me think… a lot.
I don’t want to get married just because I have been in this relationship for so long, just because thousand of people have been asking ‘when’, just because his mom, his grandmom, and his uncles said so, just because he proposed, just because wedding seems pretty.
I want to get married when I want every morning of my life feeling “Being Mrs. Cahaya is what I want for the rest of my life.” Sounds a little inception, huh? But it’s true. I will get married when I want it just right.
I might still will be unmarried when your kids go to primary school. I might still don’t want it. But life is only once, and I want to do this right, my way.
Me and him might walk so slow in our relationship, but as Confucius said, it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop. We don’t stop, we’re just walking slow. And we’re enjoying every steps.
I hope people ‘walk’ more slowly and enjoy the scenery. Don’t rush on something. Take your time for every thing. Who would have thought you’ll find a coin on the floor? =)
P.P.S. Hey you, if you read this, please bear with me. Some people might be fast learner. But I’m slow in this thing. I want you. Just you. I know you want marriage. Me too. Just be patience with me.